Sunday, July 3, 2011

Unfamiliar territory-

It's still weird saying that I'm pregnant. Let alone telling people that I'm 15 weeks pregnant. After 4 years of telling them, no, we can't have children. And you know, maybe we still can't, because this certainly isn't a done deal. Which makes it even more awkward to actually say the words.

But it isn't just saying that I'm pregnant that's weird for me, actually being pregnant is ten times worse. I know what's normal for me, but I don't know what's normal or not for a pregnant woman. It doesn't help that this pregnancy hasn't been, well, normal. I mean, bleeding for practically the entire pregnancy? That just isn't right. All the severe cramping, passing clots, bed rest... it isn't exactly reassuring.

I've been focusing a lot on what's not normal and now I'm finding that, while I have a clue what's normal, I don't know. I can read all sorts of things in books, I can ask other women all sorts of questions, but in the end I'm not the one experiencing it. I don't really know what it's all like- I just know what it was like for someone else.

I started having some cervical/vaginal pain Friday night, and obviously that concerns me. Several women said that they've experienced the same thing, and that it's probably normal. The on-call OB I called to question just kind of told me not to worry about it too unless there's bleeding (hahaha- that's sooo helpful) and severe pain. But I can't stop myself from worrying about it- I'm sore and having some pain. I don't want another thing to go wrong. I can't help but freak out a little. How can I be sure that this is just normal pain, and not something more serious? It just started, totally new, so for me, up to this point, it has not been normal. And suddenly, here it is. It's very disconcerting!

I haven't had any spotting or bleeding since Tuesday (now that I've typed that, I'm sure it'll start back up again... it always does. Ugh.) But you'd think I'd be a little more relaxed about things... no, I am more worried now. I know the pain is up near where my cervix is, it's the same area that hurt when I inserted the Cytotec in 2009 to help my second miscarriage progress. I've been more aware of that area ever since. So this just makes me more nervous. The on-call OB acted like I didn't know what I was talking about because "the cervix doesn't have any nerve endings"- whatever asshat, I know what area I'm talking about just the same. Even if it's not the cervix, it's definitely the area directly surrounding the cervix- and only that area.

I could just be paranoid, given how many things have gone wrong I think I have good cause to be. But there's no way for me to know. It seems like a fine line between paranoia and a gut feeling with valid concerns. How am I supposed to walk that line when I'm always half way over into the realm of paranoia? To me, yes this is pretty concerning. Obviously not to anyone else though. So am I being paranoid, am I being overly self conscious, am I validly concerned... I don't know. I have an ultrasound scheduled for Thursday... I guess I'll just keep an eye on things for now. But it's frustrating not knowing what exactly is "normal."

(And as an aside note, I have a hard time believing that there are absolutely no nerve endings in the cervix. Umm, after all the paps, IUIs, probing of my cervix, the HSG, miscarriages, passing of abnormally large clots and tissues, etc... I can say that if it wasn't my cervix that felt all that shit, well it was just the entire area surrounding it. Because something felt everything.)


Shannon Ivy said...

I had an HSG done too so I think that OB had no idea what they were talking about when he said the cervix didn't have any nerve endings!!!

Stay sane with the bedrest!

MrsSpock said...

Cervix has no nerve ending my ass- I've had an HSG, a foley catheter inserted through there, a terrible IUI where he grabbed only my cervix with a tenaculum (yow!!!), and two babies kicking it- it can hurt!

If what you are feeling feels like knives in the vagina- it is probably round ligament pain. Terrified me my first pregnancy and got me 800 extra cervix checks from my panicking. You are getting around that point, too, where the baby is kicking and may kick your cervix. I felt my daughter move at 13 weeks.

Crystal said...

I've had my cervix burnt out. It hurts. Quite a bit. In fact, I still get random sharp, stabby cervical twinges 6 months later. Paps have always hurt (and made me bleed). So, yeah, I definitely call BS on the no nerve endings.

I have to say, there is no "normal" for pregnancy. Having had one with no symptoms, and one with all of them, and being told for both that they are perfectly "normal" makes me believe that they don't know what normal is. We know our bodies best. Screw any doctor that says otherwise. If YOU feel the need to go in, then go in. You're high risk. I'd say that over-reacting is better than the alternative.

Go Nombie! Kick that clot's ass. We're all in the stands, doing the wave and wearing big foam rock fists for you.

Celia said...

If you instincts are screaming, you FOLLOW THEM. That on call dr sounds totally dismissive. The only way you could be relaxed at this point is if they gave you some thorazine. It is totally understandable for you to be worried. You know what is the most frustrating thing I have found about being a parent? That it is only paranoia if nothing happens. Worried that your kid is running with a stick? Paranoid. Ohhh NO he put his eye out! How could you LET him run with a stick?? etc forever.

Rebecca said...

Funny, I could have sworn I've had cervical pain after two of the three IUI's and the two HSG's and the miscarriage. Must be we women don't know jack? Pain is pain in my book and just because they say it isn't possible doesn't mean they can't be wrong, there are always exceptions to the rules.

Stacy said...

I remember having pain in my cervix area, it felt like a knife stabbing me through the vagina around 15-16. My doc said it was from the cervix stretching. I would also get sharp pains in my hips that would put me in the fetal position from ligament stretching.

I had an incompetent cervix with my son also, and I my cervix started to shorten and funnel at around 19 weeks. That was completely painless, the doc caught it b/c he had been checking my cervical length due to a LEEP and family history of incompetent cervix. I carried my son even with a short cervix and dialation until 36 weeks!

I think if you are still worried maybe you could go to the doc and have them check your cervix to put your mind at rest about it.

BU said...

Here's my 2 cents... You keep analyzing what's happening expecting something bad to happen, which I totally get. Why not analyze stuff hoping for good to happen? I can see how you might think if you analyze for the bad that it will hurt less if bad does happen. But it won't. It would hurt like hell either way. So start being positive and enjoying your pregnancy. :)

Kristin said...

If your instincts are saying get checked than DEMAND to get checked. However, what you are describing sounds normal. {{{Hugs}}}

Lissie said...

Gotta love when the docs don't know what they are talking about. Hang in there! We are all keeping our fingers crossed and sending positive vibes your way!!!

WindDrop said...

I've had zingers in what I believe was the cervix region on and off around 14-18 weeks. Everything is looking normal for me so I wouldn't worry too much about it. "Normal" pregnancies apparently have that too!