It's still weird saying that I'm pregnant. Let alone telling people that I'm 15 weeks pregnant. After 4 years of telling them, no, we can't have children. And you know, maybe we still can't, because this certainly isn't a done deal. Which makes it even more awkward to actually say the words.
But it isn't just saying that I'm pregnant that's weird for me, actually being pregnant is ten times worse. I know what's normal for me, but I don't know what's normal or not for a pregnant woman. It doesn't help that this pregnancy hasn't been, well, normal. I mean, bleeding for practically the entire pregnancy? That just isn't right. All the severe cramping, passing clots, bed rest... it isn't exactly reassuring.
I've been focusing a lot on what's not normal and now I'm finding that, while I have a clue what's normal, I don't know. I can read all sorts of things in books, I can ask other women all sorts of questions, but in the end I'm not the one experiencing it. I don't really know what it's all like- I just know what it was like for someone else.
I started having some cervical/vaginal pain Friday night, and obviously that concerns me. Several women said that they've experienced the same thing, and that it's probably normal. The on-call OB I called to question just kind of told me not to worry about it too unless there's bleeding (hahaha- that's sooo helpful) and severe pain. But I can't stop myself from worrying about it- I'm sore and having some pain. I don't want another thing to go wrong. I can't help but freak out a little. How can I be sure that this is just normal pain, and not something more serious? It just started, totally new, so for me, up to this point, it has not been normal. And suddenly, here it is. It's very disconcerting!
I haven't had any spotting or bleeding since Tuesday (now that I've typed that, I'm sure it'll start back up again... it always does. Ugh.) But you'd think I'd be a little more relaxed about things... no, I am more worried now. I know the pain is up near where my cervix is, it's the same area that hurt when I inserted the Cytotec in 2009 to help my second miscarriage progress. I've been more aware of that area ever since. So this just makes me more nervous. The on-call OB acted like I didn't know what I was talking about because "the cervix doesn't have any nerve endings"- whatever asshat, I know what area I'm talking about just the same. Even if it's not the cervix, it's definitely the area directly surrounding the cervix- and only that area.
I could just be paranoid, given how many things have gone wrong I think I have good cause to be. But there's no way for me to know. It seems like a fine line between paranoia and a gut feeling with valid concerns. How am I supposed to walk that line when I'm always half way over into the realm of paranoia? To me, yes this is pretty concerning. Obviously not to anyone else though. So am I being paranoid, am I being overly self conscious, am I validly concerned... I don't know. I have an ultrasound scheduled for Thursday... I guess I'll just keep an eye on things for now. But it's frustrating not knowing what exactly is "normal."
(And as an aside note, I have a hard time believing that there are absolutely no nerve endings in the cervix. Umm, after all the paps, IUIs, probing of my cervix, the HSG, miscarriages, passing of abnormally large clots and tissues, etc... I can say that if it wasn't my cervix that felt all that shit, well it was just the entire area surrounding it. Because something felt everything.)