Tuesday, June 21, 2011

My logic... is probably abnormal-

I bought a few baby things, just because they were deals I couldn't pass up. I reasoned buying them because, well, if my baby dies I can always give them to someone else. So they aren't really for Nombie, per se, but rather for a baby. Someone in our family is always having a baby, so I'm sure it can go to someone eventually.

For example, one of the things I bought I really couldn't pass up; I got two Doctor Suess onesies (one is for SIL2's baby, and the other for a baby) and a necklace online, plus shipping, for only $4. Yeah, that was including shipping. It really was a steal.

But now they're in my house, tucked away still in the shipping package. I'm going to pretend they aren't here. I have them out of sight, and mostly out of mind.

I know some women have bought things by now, but seriously with my issues... I'm wondering if I'm ever going to feel comfortable buying something for Nombie. I know I won't anytime soon, because things really are still up in the air, but I wonder if there will ever be a point where I'll believe in this pregnancy more. Rather than be relieved with each passing week, I'm afraid of losing the baby more and more every day.

I feel like I have that backwards, because most women seem to get more confident in their pregnancies as they progress. All my progression has done is make me wonder what a second trimester miscarriage would be like, what would happen to the little baby's body, to me physically, emotionally, what would I do with myself after something like that? The bleeding and cramping continue, bed rest is wearing on me, and I'm starting to feel very hopeless. This clot isn't leaving me. This physical pain isn't lessening. How can I feel confident that that baby is thriving when I'm curled up in pain everyday, passing clots and losing more and more blood?

Emotionally, this SCH is really taking a toll on me. I find myself crying randomly, just a tear or two, imagining how I'm going to handle a loss today. Because with everything going on, it's hard to imagine anything else. I know that a lot of people aren't going to understand that, but when everyday feels just like I'm having a miscarriage, I can't help but think about the possibility. Because it is a real possibility, and right now I wouldn't be able to tell what was the start of a miscarriage or the clot acting up, because I have every single symptom of a miscarriage every single day... for over 5 weeks now. It's a serious mind fuck! There's no end in sight. Literally, no end in sight. All the clot has done is get bigger, nastier, act up, shift positions, make me bleed more... everything but heal.

I'm just having a hard time dealing with everything.

10 comments:

mommacommaphd said...

I won't tell you to cheer up. I can't say you should be more optimistic. I'm pretty sure if I were in your shoes, I'd feel the exact same way.

I will say you're doing your best to cope and move forward and that is commendable. You need to be forgiving of yourself and your feelings- you are doing your best.

I'm a biologist- I know all the things that can go wrong with a pregnancy. My husband and I were blessed/lucky that we were able to conceive our daughter without trouble. However, the entire pregnancy I was apprehensive.

I was reluctant to announce we were expecting. I never spoke to the baby, never played music, didn't make many purchases until the last minute, etc. I was always worried I'd jinx something.

Fortunately everything worked out for us and we have a healthy toddler now. We're trying for a second now. I love my daughter so much that it is odd to remember back to the apprehensive time.

Looking back I think my apprehension and worry prevented me from bonding with my daughter. I didn't feel much of a connection to her before she was born, and really don't think I bonded strongly until she was about 4-6 weeks old.

I wonder if I had let go of my fears and worries if I would have been able to bond with her more quickly. Maybe being bonded right away would have helped me to deal better with her as a newborn?

I won't say let go of your fears, blah, blah. It's a very hard thing to do, and I'm certain you would like to, and would if you could.

Just know what you are not alone in being apprehensive/fearful. I think a lot of women deal with that.

Know that people are thinking of you, wishing you well, and hoping for the best. I do pray that you are able to find peace during your pregnancy, to find some enjoyment, to be in awe of the miracle without the shadow of fear.

Stinky said...

^awesome response^

we have a little t'shirt hidden away somewhere but its for us, no-one else, and if there is no baby for us, it still goes nowhere.

Sounds realy really hard what you are going through. Not that I only just realised that, but you're right, a serious mindfuck

K said...

I was on bedrest for more than half of my first pregnancy, because my daughter's placenta kept partially detaching and I would start hemorrhaging if I moved at all. I felt like a ticking time bomb. It was hell. I do believe the bedrest saved that pregnancy, though, and the outcome would've been different without it. So it wasn't exactly the same, as it wasn't a bloot clot per se, but I do have an idea of what you're going through. I can see why you find it so hard to have hope, but I will hope for you. Bedrest can really do amazing things, so you're doing all you can for the baby. I won't tell you to cheer up or feel optimistic; I'll just say I hope that *&^% clot goes away soon so that you can feel some peace and maybe even at some point feel hopeful about this pregnancy.

Carolyn said...

I've been there and it sucks big time. The bleeding really is freaky, I was lucky that I was able to use the doppler early on (and I'm a plus size person). I had weekly u/s that helped ease my worries, my SCH was 8cm which was pretty large from what the MFM said. The bedrest is exhausting and emotionally draining like nothing I've ever experienced before.
BUT, on the buying of things. Since I had been thru prior miscarriages such as yourself, I allowed myself to buy things like I hadn't in the past. I thought that no matter what happened, these babies deserved to have something bought for them whether they lived outside my womb of doom or not. And that helped me out alot after I decided that. I was lucky that they did get to use the things I bought this time.

Lissie said...

I totally agree with both of the comments above! Lets us be optimistic for you. You do whatever you need to do to make it and we will send our positive thoughts and prayers out there for you. You have TONS of people rooting for you!

Glass Case of Emotion said...

You've had some great responses here, better than I can put into words... but just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you. And that your feelings COMPLETELY make sense. I can't even imagine the mindfuckery you are experiencing. Hugs.

Rebecca said...

Nothing wrong with buying baby clothes. In the past I've bought baby clothes and put them aside, not necessarily for my own someday but because there are so many pregnant women in my neighborhood and I get invited to their showers. I do have a single onesie and a free beechnut baby bowl put away with my sewing supplies for a "hope" chest.

By the way I mentioned you in my blog today and am awarding you with the "sweetest blog award". You inspire me to keep trying to conceive.

Celia said...

Boo. I think of you so often. I carry you and your baby in my thoughts every day. I wish I could help you find some relief. If you are looking for something to do, I suggest organizing all your addresses if they are not already done. This is a pain in the butt, tedious project that takes a long time but once you have it all entered in the computer it is right there when you need it. It makes sending cards really easy since you do not have to wonder where Great Aunt Fruitcake's address is.

birdsandsquirrels said...

Wow, that is a total mind fuck, having the symptoms of a miscarriage every day. It must be so stressful not knowing for sure what is going on. I wish I could make it easier for you. I hope that you can get reassurance with your doppler and the frequent ultrasounds. If nothing else, you are 1/3 of the way through the pregnancy now. Thinking of you and Nombie...

Janet's page said...

I just stumbled here and WOW!! A scary situation, for sure! Bed rest sucks but a second trimester miscarriage (stillbirth) sucks way more!! I get your mind, I get the bleeding every day for weeks on end!!! It sucks so bad and is such a complete mind screw up that when you do in fact deliver this healthy child your mind will tell you it's not and that it's all wrong until the wonderful nurse says "HEY_____ look at what you've worked so hard for" ...........anyway...... hope that bleeding stops and you just "rest" for the next few months.....