I bought a few baby things, just because they were deals I couldn't pass up. I reasoned buying them because, well, if my baby dies I can always give them to someone else. So they aren't really for Nombie, per se, but rather for a baby. Someone in our family is always having a baby, so I'm sure it can go to someone eventually.
For example, one of the things I bought I really couldn't pass up; I got two Doctor Suess onesies (one is for SIL2's baby, and the other for a baby) and a necklace online, plus shipping, for only $4. Yeah, that was including shipping. It really was a steal.
But now they're in my house, tucked away still in the shipping package. I'm going to pretend they aren't here. I have them out of sight, and mostly out of mind.
I know some women have bought things by now, but seriously with my issues... I'm wondering if I'm ever going to feel comfortable buying something for Nombie. I know I won't anytime soon, because things really are still up in the air, but I wonder if there will ever be a point where I'll believe in this pregnancy more. Rather than be relieved with each passing week, I'm afraid of losing the baby more and more every day.
I feel like I have that backwards, because most women seem to get more confident in their pregnancies as they progress. All my progression has done is make me wonder what a second trimester miscarriage would be like, what would happen to the little baby's body, to me physically, emotionally, what would I do with myself after something like that? The bleeding and cramping continue, bed rest is wearing on me, and I'm starting to feel very hopeless. This clot isn't leaving me. This physical pain isn't lessening. How can I feel confident that that baby is thriving when I'm curled up in pain everyday, passing clots and losing more and more blood?
Emotionally, this SCH is really taking a toll on me. I find myself crying randomly, just a tear or two, imagining how I'm going to handle a loss today. Because with everything going on, it's hard to imagine anything else. I know that a lot of people aren't going to understand that, but when everyday feels just like I'm having a miscarriage, I can't help but think about the possibility. Because it is a real possibility, and right now I wouldn't be able to tell what was the start of a miscarriage or the clot acting up, because I have every single symptom of a miscarriage every single day... for over 5 weeks now. It's a serious mind fuck! There's no end in sight. Literally, no end in sight. All the clot has done is get bigger, nastier, act up, shift positions, make me bleed more... everything but heal.
I'm just having a hard time dealing with everything.