Thursday, June 16, 2011

Things that linger-

I haven't posted a photo of Nombie on FB publicly. I created a private album for just my mother, sister, and MIL to see the ultrasounds. The only other people we showed an ultrasound picture with was FIL and step-MIL. And of course, online where I've been getting my support all these years. I've posted about being on bed rest, and that we're pregnant, but we haven't shared any photos yet.

I tried to bring myself to post a photo last night for everyone to see, this morning again, to open the private album up to the rest of our family members to see. But I couldn't do it. Every time I went to click the photo, I couldn't bring myself to click the accept button.

Part of not posting it on FB is me trying to be compassionate to my friends online that have lost pregnancies, or are still battling infertility. I planned on opening that private album up to our other family members so that I'm not spamming the news feed with unwanted ultrasound photos. I would eventually post a photo or two for everyone to see, but I just can't bring myself to do it yet.

I think part of it is knowing that most of them won't be tactful in their comments. That they might see the photos and make the assumption, as most do, that the baby living one day means it will be coming in December. Even knowing all the risks. Because to them, those risks are foreign, impossible. I know all to well how possible they are. A- hasn't even mentioned the pregnancy on his FB because he knows all too well how real these risk are too.

I realized the other day that a big part of it, is the worry of how it will affect some people if we post a photo and I lose it. My little brother is 15, I know that loss is inevitable in life, and I know that he is aware of our miscarriages- but I worry about what would happen if he saw the ultrasound and then I lost it. I know loss is inevitable. I was 14 when I saw my sister's ultrasounds, when I felt her baby kick, when I saw the photos of my niece after she'd been still born. I will never stop mourning my niece, and I'm glad they didn't hide those things from me. But my sister didn't know what was coming, while I have the knowledge of what could happen to me. I know I can't hide this forever, and I know that it seems awful to hide the photos as if that will make things easier... but I don't want any more people to go through hell on account of us.

Then again, I want people to know about Nombie. I want them to realize that if I lose this, that this was real, this was my baby. They so quickly brush off my other losses, but how can you brush off something so beautiful and perfect as this baby? I want Nombie to be loved, no matter what. I want people to know about Nombie.

But I can't bring myself to share an ultrasound photo with anyone else, not even my SILs. I just can't. I want to say "not yet" but I really don't know if I'd ever feel comfortable to share. I feel like maybe I should just post one and get it out there and over with, but I just can't.

I don't know what I'm going to do yet. I guess keep thinking over it.


Celia said...

You will know when and if the time is right. Nothing NOTHING scared me as much as the day we showed the first ultrasounds to everyone. I was terrified that Peter had died while we were in the car on the way to their houses. Do what feels right.

Heather said...

don't feel obligated to share photos if you don't want to. I know plenty of friends who never shared photos of their pregnant bellies or the ultrasounds. You don't owe anything to anyone. this is your body and your baby.

Kristin said...

While I was never in your shoes directly, I do empathize with keeping it quiet a bit longer. I didn't have teh SCH and I still didn't tell my family about Gabe until I was past 15 weeks.

Stinky said...

I hear you on both counts, and what I would do isn't really relevant.

I don't know if people can do this on fb, but can you publicly post it, then hide the post, so that you can cue anyone who wants to see to go to your photos on fb? LIke I say, don't know if its poss, maybe try with a random pic and ask a friend if they can still see it on the feed if you have hidden the post?