OBs are... different-

I met with the new OB today. It went better than I expected, she agreed to keep me on all my medications. So that's great. After discussing the clot, she decided for me to have weekly ultrasounds to monitor it- which is exactly what I wanted. I would feel much better if we knew just what was going on with that thing. She did say about how with the clot things could happen, which we are already aware of all the risks with it- from miscarriage, to placental abruption, to preterm labor, etc... I'm freaking out over this thing for a very good reason. We discussed the driving distance between my rural area and their affiliated hospital, and she said it was something they would keep in mind closer to the end. Despite being on bed rest and eating horribly, I've actually lost a pound or two this pregnancy- that's fine by me.

The hospital had expectant mother parking, and I was tempted to have A- park in it since I'm supposed to be taking it easy and I am pregnant... but we couldn't bring ourselves to park there. We parked in the same row, but we just could not park in one of those spots.

It was scary, and different. It felt weird walking down the hallway and seeing a sign that said "Expectant Mother's" and an arrow pointing towards the door you have to go through. My husband and I laughed all all the ridiculous magazines and their stupid articles that littered the office. Seriously, an article to make stroller shopping stress free? I didn't realize it was stressful- conception and gestation are the only things in my life I've found so stressful that I needed a guide to get me through it. Thanks infertility and pregnancy loss. There was an article about how to "prepare him for the new role as daddy" or some crap like that, and I turned to my husband and snickered, "Do you really need to prepare for that? And do I need to prepare you? Ha." My husband saw one that said, "How I found out I was pregnant" and he said, "Don't they know how that happens?" And of course, all I could think... oh yeah, I remember. I was bleeding and took a test, then sighed "Oh shit." and thought, "Here we go again."

Waiting in the room was weird, the whole time I felt like an imposter. The couple next to us was gushing because they just found out they were having a girl. Several women were obviously pregnant and fidgety. My husband and I were making sarcastic comments about every parenting and pregnancy magazine in the room... yeah, we fit in awesome. The nurse talked about how every time I come in I'll have to pee in a cup, and I just stared at her and sort of nodded... I don't even know if there will be an every time. Life is very fragile, pregnancy isn't easy, even more so for me. I feel like I could blink, and it'll be over in an instant.

At the fertility clinic we never waited long, our visits were as long as we needed and then we were free. Today the time just dragged on and on, we had to wait and wait to be called back. Then we had to go back to the waiting room while we waited on the ultrasound, had the ultrasound, then went back to the waiting room to wait and talk to the OB again. It felt tedious, and took well over an hour. I think I'll just have to get used to that though. The last OB I saw for a PAP, I had to wait in the waiting room for an hour just to go back for the exam. Maybe next time it'll be quicker since we won't have to talk so much.

I should be 13 weeks tomorrow, and I can hardly believe it. I'm still not in the clear, I still can't relax, and the future is still very much uncertain. Seeing the baby on the ultrasound machine is hard, because it's so adorable and I'm so scared. The further along I get, the more scared I get of losing the baby. I'm so scared that I almost cry at every ultrasound, and I have to stop my tears.

My husband and I started to talk about names today, and for most couples the thing that spurs that conversation is because they believe they are going to have a baby and it needs a name. Our conversation started, "At this point, whether the baby makes it or not, I feel like it should have a real name." Sigh. I named the other ones we lost, just guessed at their gender and named them- except the last one, I never could find a name for that one. So we ate our lunch after the appointment, and we talked about names in case our baby lives or dies. I had already decided on a girl name last year, when we were deciding on adoption, donor embryos, or more cycles. Either way, I had planned on having a child, so picking a name felt okay. Luckily, A- has no objections to it. So if it's a girl, I have a classic first name picked out and the middle name would be Elizabeth (after my niece who was still born). I had three names for boys I sort of liked, and A- shot two of them down. So I think we have our boy name settled... he didn't like the middle name I liked though, so we'll have to fine tune that one.

I still don't feel pregnant. Physically I feel like crap, and technically it's all "pregnancy related" but it's not what you'd normally think of. I have bruises all over from my pregnancy sustaining medications, I'm achy and crampy from the SCH, bleeding like a stuck pig, I've had to wear a pad every day since mid-April, I'm sore from the bed rest, and I royally fucked my shoulder/arm up the other day from sleeping- it wasn't even the arm I was sleeping on. I have an appointment Monday to check it out, but if it keeps hurting like this I am going to the ER. I took two of my V.icod.in this morning just to function because it hurt so bad. I don't know what happened, but it's horrible. I didn't get morning sickness (just bad nausea and an aversion to meat), I'm not showing or anything- but I have all this other crap going on instead. Awesome.