Saturday, March 12, 2011


Two years ago was the worst night of my life. I've been mourning off and on all week, since last month... since it happened really.

Two years ago I finally miscarried our second pregnancy after a very long drawn out process. I started bleeding on February 17, and the ultrasound showed a gestational sac like it should. My beta was right where it needed to be, and it rose. But after a week on bed rest, there was barely any growth. A week later, no growth. My doctor confirmed my miscarriage. And almost two weeks later, my body still wasn't letting it go. I took medication to induce, which led to the absolute worst night of my entire life. That night still haunts me.

Today, I am just chilling at home away from the world. We did venture out earlier, we tried to catch a movie... missed it... planned on catching another one, and missed that too. So we gave up and went home. It wasn't a total waste though, we did hit the book store and I got some books that made me happy; a cook book, a large book of Alice in Wonderland illustrations (to be framed and placed in my art room... and maybe someday in a nursery, should we ever be so fortunate), and a crochet book called Creepy Cute Crochet. I have a feeling I will fail miserably when I try to make any of the little cuties, but I'm going to try anyway. It was good to get out, but just as good to be home now.

I've been bawling off and on all week, and today I've found a strange calm. Grief is weird like that. It hits you hard and you get knocked to your knees sometimes... and you cry until you have nothing left to give. But then you pick yourself up again, shaken and hallow, but you get back up just the same and go on. Maybe it's just me. I don't count on this mood lasting, and I don't count on it not, but right now I am sad but okay. Well, as okay as anyone can be given the circumstances.

I should feel good today, by all rights. I got some nice books, I'm down 18lbs, I put on a pair of shorts that were really snug last summer and they're loose today, and it's truly a beautiful day out, the sun is shining, the sky is clear, it's almost springlike... if it were any day but today, maybe I would feel good about today. I'm not feeling horrible, but over all this there is a heavy memory that still haunts me. This sadness that I can not dislodge from my soul.


Celia said...

18 pounds is afreakingmazing!

I think about the baby that wasn't every time I see my best friend's son because our baby would have been a few months younger- oddly it would have been the same age spread between their second child and Peter. I was miscarrying while she had her baby shower.

MrsSpock said...

Down 18 pounds- woot!