Appointment today-

Nombie was doing good, measuring on track and moving around. (Much better ultrasound photos today too.)

The clot is still there though. (Boooooo! Hisssssssssssssssss!) It might be smaller, but as I said before with this machine (and since it's someone different than my RE measuring), it's just so hard to tell.

One thing that's for sure, is that I get to continue bed rest. Also, I should have another ultrasound in about a week (still trying to schedule that, some people are on vacations though so it makes it a little complicated). By tomorrow night I should know when I go back again.

As for the issues with the pre-pay bill. I did call and talk to them about that, and they said that they give you the option to pay it before hand because often it's easier. If you pay more than the services you receive, then they reimburse you. The amount pre-billed is an estimate of their usual services, more specifically what your insurance says would be your co-pay on it. So then you can pre-pay your co-pay. The lady told me that otherwise, after delivery you have 30 days to pay it all.

O.....kay? The letter they send out does not indicate that it's optional, it makes it sound mandatory. Glad I called. I explained to her our situation, and how this pre-pay thing made me uncomfortable. So she made a note on my file, and told me that I can pay on it when I feel comfortable, or wait until after delivery. If things keep going well I will probably pay on it before, because the payments include all antepartum visits (not just delivery). They do not include ultrasounds, any tests, or the hospitals bill though, that's billed separate- which makes sense to me. So it would essentially be one less bill to worry about after delivery... if we make it that far.

I'm still terrified that we won't make it that far. I'm counting down the weeks, and extremely thankful for each additional day I get. But it's scary, it really is. I'm trying not to think ahead, but then I do, and then I try to stop myself, because I can see both possible futures clearly and I don't want to see either right now because it hurts. I can see me falling into a pit of depression because I lost another one, and I can see me with a baby this December... and it hurts, because what if I allow myself to think that, and then I lose it. I don't want to think about either. I'm going to take it one day at a time, or at least try to, but it's hard not to let your mind wander. And it's so hard to relate to any other pregnant women, unless they've had a loss (or losses) because no one else gets this at all. I mean, my god they're sooooo oblivious. The people around me IRL, pregnant or recently first time moms, or even women who had their children so long ago- they're so oblivious. It makes it harder because they're all assuming, already, that this baby is going to be born alive. And when I reel them in for a reality check, because HELLO I'm STILL on bed rest for complications... they act like I'm being over dramatic or a debbie downer. Screw that.

Okay, okay, I'm going to stop venting/ranting/whining. It's just hard, and I'm trying to figure out what this new normal is. I feel like a huge faker when I say "I'm pregnant." And especially so since my experience is so dramatically different than everyone else.

Back to crocheting some granny squares I suppose.

Results and bills-

My NT scan results came back finally. Nombie's risk of Trisomy 13, 18, or 21 are all 1: +10,000. So that's great news :)

I also got the letter saying how much I need to make payments on to my OB... for the birth.

Ummm.

I'm never going to understand that about OBs. I don't even know if there is going to be a birth at this point, but I'm expected to go ahead and make payments on it.

It's just a foreign concept for me.

I'm still living week by week, waiting to see if my Nombie is still alive.

Speaking of which... why isn't it Thursday yet?

13wks 6days

Nombie is still alive! Saw the heart beating and movement today, but the OBs machine sucks so we didn't get any good shots. Heck, all we saw was the vague outline of the head, abdominal cavity, and a femur. Which, I mean, that all gave the u/s tech what she needed for her measurements... but I was hoping for something more detailed. Last time sucked too. The photos aren't even worth sharing because you can't see squat.

The u/s tech and OB said the clot is smaller... but it was really hard to see anything because of Nombie blocking everything... which is good, it means Nombie is comparable to the clot now and has a better chance. But also sucks because, well obviously, we couldn't really see the clot. Also, did I mention, their machine kind of sucks :/ So it's really hard for me to gauge anything. On top of that, I think the tech was only measuring the active bleed areas, and not the non-active bleed/clot areas. So I really don't know what to make of anything! Switching to an OB sucks so bad. Their machine is just awful compared to my REs. The OB seemed pleased with the measurements... but I'm still hesitant because I don't really trust the measurements. And I don't think I'm completely psycho obsessing either.

Anyway, I go back Thursday for another check on the clot. C'mon Nombie, keep thriving!

I still haven't gotten my NT scan results from my RE, I left them a message today- hopefully the results are in and my RE can give them to me today. I'll probably just edit this with the results later... since it's been awhile and they still haven't called me back. Or I'll make a whole other post... I don't know. Blah.

(*eta update: RE is on vacation this week... so guess we'll get the results Monday instead.*)
(**eta: My followers/commenter/supporters make me feel loved <3 You are all awesome. )

More bed rest. More waiting. Here we go.

My logic... is probably abnormal-

I bought a few baby things, just because they were deals I couldn't pass up. I reasoned buying them because, well, if my baby dies I can always give them to someone else. So they aren't really for Nombie, per se, but rather for a baby. Someone in our family is always having a baby, so I'm sure it can go to someone eventually.

For example, one of the things I bought I really couldn't pass up; I got two Doctor Suess onesies (one is for SIL2's baby, and the other for a baby) and a necklace online, plus shipping, for only $4. Yeah, that was including shipping. It really was a steal.

But now they're in my house, tucked away still in the shipping package. I'm going to pretend they aren't here. I have them out of sight, and mostly out of mind.

I know some women have bought things by now, but seriously with my issues... I'm wondering if I'm ever going to feel comfortable buying something for Nombie. I know I won't anytime soon, because things really are still up in the air, but I wonder if there will ever be a point where I'll believe in this pregnancy more. Rather than be relieved with each passing week, I'm afraid of losing the baby more and more every day.

I feel like I have that backwards, because most women seem to get more confident in their pregnancies as they progress. All my progression has done is make me wonder what a second trimester miscarriage would be like, what would happen to the little baby's body, to me physically, emotionally, what would I do with myself after something like that? The bleeding and cramping continue, bed rest is wearing on me, and I'm starting to feel very hopeless. This clot isn't leaving me. This physical pain isn't lessening. How can I feel confident that that baby is thriving when I'm curled up in pain everyday, passing clots and losing more and more blood?

Emotionally, this SCH is really taking a toll on me. I find myself crying randomly, just a tear or two, imagining how I'm going to handle a loss today. Because with everything going on, it's hard to imagine anything else. I know that a lot of people aren't going to understand that, but when everyday feels just like I'm having a miscarriage, I can't help but think about the possibility. Because it is a real possibility, and right now I wouldn't be able to tell what was the start of a miscarriage or the clot acting up, because I have every single symptom of a miscarriage every single day... for over 5 weeks now. It's a serious mind fuck! There's no end in sight. Literally, no end in sight. All the clot has done is get bigger, nastier, act up, shift positions, make me bleed more... everything but heal.

I'm just having a hard time dealing with everything.

Don't understand-

Okay, so you all remember that this is my fourth pregnancy right?
Right?

Because no one else does.

Seriously, I don't understand this. After the miscarriages, no one called me. No one asked how I was doing. No one called us on Mother's Day or Father's Day. Most people don't even acknowledge that those pregnancies existed, or what they meant to us.

So I don't understand why they'd bother to tell us happy Mother's Day or Father's Day this year. What, because we have a fetus? Now, NOW they want to acknowledge one of our pregnancies (or rather THIS pregnancy)?

A- didn't appreciate it, he thinks it's inappropriate of them. His mom told him to tell me happy Mother's Day earlier this year, and he tried to explain why it wasn't appropriate then. He probably didn't explain it very well, and I know it's hard to understand... But she did it again today, she left a message for him wishing him a happy Father's Day. He told me he hoped his dad didn't give him another inappropriate Father's Day greeting either. He wasn't mad, but I could tell he was upset.

It's weird how people can pick and choose what they want to believe and see as reality.

To us, those children we lost were everything. Just like this one is. To us, they are the same. Yes, this time we got to see it forming, moving, hear it's heart beating- but we could still lose it, just like we lost all the other ones. We wanted them all, we put so much effort into creating them, they were ours hopes, our dreams, our life.

So I don't understand why they feel like acknowledging one pregnancy, but they never bothered with the others.

Oh that's right- because they don't think anything could possibly go wrong at this point?- Because this one is an 'actual baby' to them? Because we're pretty much in the second trimester and they think that means we're 'safe'? Because they don't understand anything that's going on right now?

(*sigh*) I said it before, and I'll say it again: Ignorance is bliss.

OBs are... different-

I met with the new OB today. It went better than I expected, she agreed to keep me on all my medications. So that's great. After discussing the clot, she decided for me to have weekly ultrasounds to monitor it- which is exactly what I wanted. I would feel much better if we knew just what was going on with that thing. She did say about how with the clot things could happen, which we are already aware of all the risks with it- from miscarriage, to placental abruption, to preterm labor, etc... I'm freaking out over this thing for a very good reason. We discussed the driving distance between my rural area and their affiliated hospital, and she said it was something they would keep in mind closer to the end. Despite being on bed rest and eating horribly, I've actually lost a pound or two this pregnancy- that's fine by me.

The hospital had expectant mother parking, and I was tempted to have A- park in it since I'm supposed to be taking it easy and I am pregnant... but we couldn't bring ourselves to park there. We parked in the same row, but we just could not park in one of those spots.

It was scary, and different. It felt weird walking down the hallway and seeing a sign that said "Expectant Mother's" and an arrow pointing towards the door you have to go through. My husband and I laughed all all the ridiculous magazines and their stupid articles that littered the office. Seriously, an article to make stroller shopping stress free? I didn't realize it was stressful- conception and gestation are the only things in my life I've found so stressful that I needed a guide to get me through it. Thanks infertility and pregnancy loss. There was an article about how to "prepare him for the new role as daddy" or some crap like that, and I turned to my husband and snickered, "Do you really need to prepare for that? And do I need to prepare you? Ha." My husband saw one that said, "How I found out I was pregnant" and he said, "Don't they know how that happens?" And of course, all I could think... oh yeah, I remember. I was bleeding and took a test, then sighed "Oh shit." and thought, "Here we go again."

Waiting in the room was weird, the whole time I felt like an imposter. The couple next to us was gushing because they just found out they were having a girl. Several women were obviously pregnant and fidgety. My husband and I were making sarcastic comments about every parenting and pregnancy magazine in the room... yeah, we fit in awesome. The nurse talked about how every time I come in I'll have to pee in a cup, and I just stared at her and sort of nodded... I don't even know if there will be an every time. Life is very fragile, pregnancy isn't easy, even more so for me. I feel like I could blink, and it'll be over in an instant.

At the fertility clinic we never waited long, our visits were as long as we needed and then we were free. Today the time just dragged on and on, we had to wait and wait to be called back. Then we had to go back to the waiting room while we waited on the ultrasound, had the ultrasound, then went back to the waiting room to wait and talk to the OB again. It felt tedious, and took well over an hour. I think I'll just have to get used to that though. The last OB I saw for a PAP, I had to wait in the waiting room for an hour just to go back for the exam. Maybe next time it'll be quicker since we won't have to talk so much.

I should be 13 weeks tomorrow, and I can hardly believe it. I'm still not in the clear, I still can't relax, and the future is still very much uncertain. Seeing the baby on the ultrasound machine is hard, because it's so adorable and I'm so scared. The further along I get, the more scared I get of losing the baby. I'm so scared that I almost cry at every ultrasound, and I have to stop my tears.

My husband and I started to talk about names today, and for most couples the thing that spurs that conversation is because they believe they are going to have a baby and it needs a name. Our conversation started, "At this point, whether the baby makes it or not, I feel like it should have a real name." Sigh. I named the other ones we lost, just guessed at their gender and named them- except the last one, I never could find a name for that one. So we ate our lunch after the appointment, and we talked about names in case our baby lives or dies. I had already decided on a girl name last year, when we were deciding on adoption, donor embryos, or more cycles. Either way, I had planned on having a child, so picking a name felt okay. Luckily, A- has no objections to it. So if it's a girl, I have a classic first name picked out and the middle name would be Elizabeth (after my niece who was still born). I had three names for boys I sort of liked, and A- shot two of them down. So I think we have our boy name settled... he didn't like the middle name I liked though, so we'll have to fine tune that one.

I still don't feel pregnant. Physically I feel like crap, and technically it's all "pregnancy related" but it's not what you'd normally think of. I have bruises all over from my pregnancy sustaining medications, I'm achy and crampy from the SCH, bleeding like a stuck pig, I've had to wear a pad every day since mid-April, I'm sore from the bed rest, and I royally fucked my shoulder/arm up the other day from sleeping- it wasn't even the arm I was sleeping on. I have an appointment Monday to check it out, but if it keeps hurting like this I am going to the ER. I took two of my V.icod.in this morning just to function because it hurt so bad. I don't know what happened, but it's horrible. I didn't get morning sickness (just bad nausea and an aversion to meat), I'm not showing or anything- but I have all this other crap going on instead. Awesome.

[RANT]

I'M SO SICK OF BLEEDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


[/RANT]

Things that linger-

I haven't posted a photo of Nombie on FB publicly. I created a private album for just my mother, sister, and MIL to see the ultrasounds. The only other people we showed an ultrasound picture with was FIL and step-MIL. And of course, online where I've been getting my support all these years. I've posted about being on bed rest, and that we're pregnant, but we haven't shared any photos yet.

I tried to bring myself to post a photo last night for everyone to see, this morning again, to open the private album up to the rest of our family members to see. But I couldn't do it. Every time I went to click the photo, I couldn't bring myself to click the accept button.

Part of not posting it on FB is me trying to be compassionate to my friends online that have lost pregnancies, or are still battling infertility. I planned on opening that private album up to our other family members so that I'm not spamming the news feed with unwanted ultrasound photos. I would eventually post a photo or two for everyone to see, but I just can't bring myself to do it yet.

I think part of it is knowing that most of them won't be tactful in their comments. That they might see the photos and make the assumption, as most do, that the baby living one day means it will be coming in December. Even knowing all the risks. Because to them, those risks are foreign, impossible. I know all to well how possible they are. A- hasn't even mentioned the pregnancy on his FB because he knows all too well how real these risk are too.

I realized the other day that a big part of it, is the worry of how it will affect some people if we post a photo and I lose it. My little brother is 15, I know that loss is inevitable in life, and I know that he is aware of our miscarriages- but I worry about what would happen if he saw the ultrasound and then I lost it. I know loss is inevitable. I was 14 when I saw my sister's ultrasounds, when I felt her baby kick, when I saw the photos of my niece after she'd been still born. I will never stop mourning my niece, and I'm glad they didn't hide those things from me. But my sister didn't know what was coming, while I have the knowledge of what could happen to me. I know I can't hide this forever, and I know that it seems awful to hide the photos as if that will make things easier... but I don't want any more people to go through hell on account of us.

Then again, I want people to know about Nombie. I want them to realize that if I lose this, that this was real, this was my baby. They so quickly brush off my other losses, but how can you brush off something so beautiful and perfect as this baby? I want Nombie to be loved, no matter what. I want people to know about Nombie.

But I can't bring myself to share an ultrasound photo with anyone else, not even my SILs. I just can't. I want to say "not yet" but I really don't know if I'd ever feel comfortable to share. I feel like maybe I should just post one and get it out there and over with, but I just can't.

I don't know what I'm going to do yet. I guess keep thinking over it.

12wks4days

Nombie was measuring right on track at 12 weeks 4 days. CRL was 6.24cm

I saw one of the doctors at the practice that I'd never met before, he's the one that does NT scans for all the patients.

The scan was really quick, he just measured everything and then left. I was pretty bummed. I didn't get to see any movement, hear or see the heart beat, and I didn't get to see how the Clot of Destruction is doing. Yeah, bummed may be putting it lightly. I know the scan was just for the NT purposes, but he could have taken more than a minute with it all. Seriously, it was over in a minute.

I would have loved a little more reassurance that my baby was alright, other than the fact that it's measuring on track.

I know, I sound a little whiny... but damn it, after everything I've been going through? I think I have a little bit of a right to.

I meet with an OB this Friday. Hoping that goes well... but not holding my breath.

Another one of those days-

Been having some bad cramps the last few days... so of course I woke up to a lot of junk again. Like a lot, nasty dark brown/red thick stuff. Yuck. I'm glad I'll be having an ultrasound later today... just wish it wasn't so much later. What's 4 and a half hours though, right?

Today marks 4 weeks since I ended up in the ER the first time. All the stupid clot has done in that time is stretch out and gotten bigger.

I really hope it hasn't gotten bigger again.

My body is a practical joker-

And I don't really find it's jokes all that funny.

I can go for a few days with no spotting or bleeding, and then wake up with a bunch of junk... I don't even know what to call it, dark brown with clots, and sometimes it's red, but it's always a lovely morning surprise. Gag. And with the junk comes painful cramps and a sore uterus, which makes me really glad my RE prescribed me V.ic.odin... because on some days I need it.

This morning was one of those mornings (*sigh*)

I can't begin to describe this to people in my life. I don't feel like saying, "Oh yeah, I'm REALLY anxious today because I woke up to a puddle of junk and clots down there, accompanied by uterus shattering cramps." They know I have a clot, I've been on bed rest, I take injections daily, but they don't know what all that entails. As far as they're concerned, the baby is still alive so everything must be fine... right? I'll gladly put up with all this if the baby comes out alive, but I have less faith in that outcome than everyone else.

I am VERY thankful I haven't had any recurrent incidents like when we ended up in the ER those two times though. I can't even begin to convey to anyone how scary that was.

But it's still hard, not having any clue what tomorrow is going to be like.

Just a few more days... Wednesday will be here before I know it, right?

Swamp Castle-

Sometimes, when I think about my pregnancies, my mind links to the first part of this clip:



Watching the movie, you feel like laughing at the absurdity of why they'd keep trying to build the castle in the swamp. It's so absolutely ridiculous, and you can't understand why they'd bother trying again and again

Sometimes I feel like that swamp.

It took so much effort to create those pregnancies, so much time and money, and we kept losing them. One after the other: we lost the first one, then we lost the second one, then the third one.

We have yet to see if the fourth one is going to stay.

We should be 12 weeks today, if Nombie is still with us. I am really anxious for Wednesday, I hope so badly that I see a strong heart beat and lots of movement. That Nombie is still thriving. That this one doesn't end in disaster again.

Random bits-

- Step-MIL is sick of having grandsons... so it's fitting then that SIL2 is having another boy this time. I'll admit, I gave a cruel chuckle when I imagined Step-MIL's reaction to that news. I don't understand how she can't just be thankful that it's healthy and there haven't been any complications... but whatever. If this one survives and we find out the gender, I am really thinking about just not telling anyone until it's here, or much later in the pregnancy. Because I am still really miffed by that woman.

- Our car is still down. I don't know when we'll be getting it back, but I hope it's before my appointments next week. I feel really grateful to my mom since she's helping us out with all this, but she's also driving me a little nuts. She's trying to talk to me about my pregnancy like it's a normal pregnancy, trying to tell me when I'm going to start showing or feeling movement based on when she did... and I keep trying to explain things to her medically that all that is too soon. Besides, I have the classic PCOS gut with an anterior placenta, I probably won't be showing or feeling anything for awhile. I mean the placenta could move, but my fat belly is like wearing a giant pillow and probably won't change that much for awhile yet. I have had quite a bit of discomfort from jeans and non-stretchy clothes, and I tried to explain to her it's because my belly and ass are covered with bruises from my injections, but she didn't hear a damn word I was saying.

- One of my aunts stopped by when we over at my mother's to drop my car off, and she said I didn't look like I'd gained much weight yet... umm, first of all I'm still in the first trimester. Secondly, I haven't gained ANY weight. Not a single pound. As a matter of fact, before getting pregnant I lost about 25 pounds and I've been maintaining it well. I told her I hadn't gained any, and the plan is to not to really gain any, to keep it at a minimum. She just kind of looked at my mom like I'm being insane... but I'm OBESE. The goal is to gain as minimal weight as possible, if I gain too much weight it's dangerous. I know what my body needs and doesn't need, and I don't need women who weren't obese when they were pregnant, and haven't been pregnant in the last 26 to 30 years, trying to tell me what I need. Weight gain of 10 or so pounds, fine, but I shouldn't gain anything really in my first trimester. Maybe a pound, but what the hell did she expect? Me to get pregnant and blow up like a balloon overnight?

She also asked if it's really necessary for me to be laying down all the time... uh, it is if that's what hurts less, yeah. I'm going to listen to my body, especially since I'm on BED REST and have a GIANT CLOT in my uterus. After three miscarriages and all my complications, I'm certainly not going to be doing jumping jacks.

- Is it Wednesday yet? The time between appointments is scary, and filled with doubt. I keep wondering if Nombie's still alive, what the clot is doing, and knowing that really there's nothing more I can do anyway. So worry is kind of useless... but I'm going to do it anyway.

- Here's a brief summary of some of the family drama: I had to go through and hide a bunch of my info and photos on FB from my own brother, because he's dating (and living with) a girl I blocked on my FB last year. For a good reason... she's a psychopath that I didn't want anything to do with. I was friends with her a long time ago, and ended the friendship for a good reason (she tried to physically assault me on more than one occasion). I know for a fact that she hasn't changed, because just last year she sent me a nasty email because I declined her friend request. That's when I blocked her. And now, here she is living with my brother. Awesome.

- I'm really bitchy right now. Sorry for all the swearing and angry posts. I'm just really annoyed, I'm trying not to let things get to me... but it's hard not to.

- I'm really glad I'm far removed from everything right now. I mean, it's still there, and I might still have to deal with it... but I don't have to today.

- I still can't get the doppler to work. I think it's because of the anterior placenta. I think I keep finding that, since it's a "whoosh whoosh" noise that's about the speed of my own HB. For a second the other day I think I caught a galloping noise, it might have been the baby, but it was brief, my doppler didn't get a reading on how fast it was, and I couldn't find it again. So who knows. I wish it'd work, that'd really help with my anxiety right now, but I know it's still early and I do have some extra padding anyway. Who knows.

- I think I'm done bitching and moaning for the day. Sorry, I hate to be so whiny but I'm stressed out about situations around me, people being completely oblivious to how my pregnancy isn't "normal", and the constant overlay of worry about the well being of this baby. I'm really scared, and it doesn't do any good to focus on it since there's nothing I can do about it. I'm just feeling very frustrated and helpless right now, and I don't like it one bit.

You know what I could do without right now?

All the drama! I have a decent amount of family drama going on right now, not to mention some friend drama. I'm going to be taking a break from the affected parties... we'll see if it's temporary or permanent. But I am not dealing with their crap right now- screw that. I could write a novel about the issues I'm having with these people right now, but I'm not going to. Let me just say it's very disappointing, and also very frustrating. It has nothing to do with the last post either, this is whole new drama. (*sigh*)

Then, there's the issue with money. We'll survive but I'm really not comfortable with how tight it is at the moment. My medical expenses right now are pretty hefty, not to mention I haven't been working so we're out that money too. I mean normally with me not working it's not a big deal, but add on all my medication and appointments in addition to the loss of income? And we've lost about $1,000 a month in total. Ouch.

On top of that, we had to take our car in to get it worked on. Thankfully my mother is helping out with the cost of that, and loaning us her car until we get ours back (hopefully by Friday!) but it still sucks. We never have to ask anyone to help us, we either work something out, cut back, or do without... but we always figure something out. I don't like asking for help. But in this I had no choice- we need our car. I'm hoping there's nothing serious going on with it right now, because that'd just be the icing on the cake.

So everything feels like it's falling to rot with the drama, the car issues, the money issues, the Clot of Destruction... but I'll live, and everything will be okay just as long as I have my husband and we don't lose the baby. I really really hope we don't lose the baby.

11wks2days and freak outs

Ended up having a minor freak out this morning, so had them let me come into today instead of Tomorrow. Nombie is okay, although it is measuring a few days behind right now. Heart beat was good though, and Nombie kept doing a lot of flips. Like a lot. We didn't get any really great ultrasound photos because it was moving so much. Which is good... but still worried.

The second photo is of the clot (and Nombie's head arm, like it's waving and saying "Somebody help me!!!"). The clot is now 7.46x3cm. Great. It's grown yet again. And a big part of it is up by Nombie. Fantastic... UGH. Placenta and everything is fine, but it still sucks. I don't think this thing is going anywhere.... (*sigh*)

Before we left today, the office gave us this. Our appointment today may very well be our last one with our reproductive doctor... unless I have a major freak out before the NT scan on the 15th, and I NEED to see her. Which could very well happen.

She's been amazing, willing to go above and beyond for us, and just super understanding... I'm going to miss her so much :(

Should be 11wks 1 day-

So, yes, I should be 11wks 1 day today... if Nombie is still alive. Still terrified that it won't be, and still trying my best to take it one day at a time.

I didn't have any spotting/bleeding at all for four blissful days, but then Friday it came back. Go figure. Still on bed rest, trying not to move too much (trust me, with this heat that's not hard. Gah!), and just waiting for Tuesday to get here so we can see if it's still alive or not.

I purchased a doppler, and got it in the mail yesterday. I couldn't find the heart beat. I'm hoping it's just because it's too early, or I'm not using it properly... and not that the baby is dead. Because that'd really suck,

Did I mention how scared I am about losing the baby? Yeah.

Is it Tuesday yet?

Ignorance must really be bliss-

I feel like screaming at some people...
Screaming to remind them that this is our fourth pregnancy, not our first.

SIL1, the young one who had her first baby last year, with a perfectly routine uncomplicated pregnancy and birth, is trying to give me advice. As if I don't already know some things, you know, having been pregnant three times before and having tried for four years. Yeah, you do tend to pick up on some things, and have plenty of time to make decisions about them. Not to mention, I'm under the care of a recurrent loss specialist. I don't really need advice about what tests to do or not do, thanks. Also, if I was going to ask anyone for advice, it would be my own sister... who has been pregnant three times, resulting in a stillbirth, and two live births, who also has a clotting disorder, was on Heparin for her last two pregnancies, and also happens to be a nurse. Yeah, who would you turn to for pregnancy advice if you were in my shoes?

My husband told his dad and step-mom about the pregnancy, and everything that's going on with it. They don't seem to think it's very serious. Although my husband kept stressing that this was a "potential" grandchild, since we don't know if it'll survive, they still weren't quite grasping it. Step-mom even dared to say that she hoped it was a girl because she was sick of having grandsons... my husband replied with, "I hope it's a baby." Who fucking cares if it's a boy or girl?! As far as I'm concerned, it'll be a miracle if this thing comes out alive! Talk about seriously not grasping the situation! They both know that we had three miscarriages before this pregnancy, but they're completely oblivious. Must be nice to be so utterly ignorant, huh?

If this baby does stay with us, I'm tempted to find out the gender and just not tell anyone. Screw them.

It isn't just that, but lots of little things here and there that remind me how easy it seems to be for everyone out there to forget that this is our fourth pregnancy. That we lost three before this. That we've been struggling for four years. That we aren't ignorant. And that nothing is certain.

If we stay pregnant, I'm going to keep reminding them. Because, you know what, so sorry, too bad, maybe they can forget the lives we lost but I can't. This is not our first pregnancy, and we aren't going to pretend that it is like they are. They'll probably think I'm being crass, or rude, but if they keep choosing not to listen to what we're saying, well they're just asking for it anyway.

Yeah, I'm a little bitchy right now, sorry. My husband just got the "sick of grandsons" comment today. I don't really like my step-MIL (honestly, only FIL seems to like her), but that comment was just too far. I expected it, because she fed the same line to SIL1 last year (and much to their dismay, SIL1 had a boy... boo-fucking-hoo). But given our situation, you'd think she would have the tact to shut her trap. But, no, she apparently lacks that ability.

Okay, okay... vent over.
But seriously, ignorance must really be bliss.