Sunday, May 1, 2011


Ultrasound in less than 10 hours.

I don't think most people can truly understand how very nervous and uncertain we are, I know our family and IRL friends certainly don't. My mom heard that the numbers are doubling better, and now she thinks everything is fine and the danger is over. I've explained to her that's not the case, but she doesn't understand at all. I know that doubling numbers don't mean a damn thing. It's a good sign, and I am thankful that our numbers finally normalized, but I also know that it's ultimately a false sense of security. That doesn't mean I'm not going to grasp at it anyway, but it means I am aware that in the end they mean nothing. I've had great doubling betas before, and it ended just the same. I will not fall for that again. It gives me the strength to keep fighting, because the rising betas mean that my embryo is still fighting... but it doesn't necessarily make me feel more optimistic about this pregnancy.

As soon as I tell people things are going better, they assume that everything is alright now. They've started asking if I have any symptoms, do I have morning sickness yet... no, I don't. I have a bruise covered abdomen from my injections, a sore cervix from the progesterone, occasional spotting, cramping, and lots of side effects from all my medication that I'm pumping into my body. Some of which mirror pregnancy symptoms, I mean the progesterone supplement is a hormone found in pregnancy so of course it mirrors them. But if I try to tell people that, they just don't understand. They act like I'm putting them off. And maybe in a way I am, because their optimism causes me pain. How can they act like everything is fine? It's one thing to hope, but it's something entirely different to assume.

I'm all for positive thoughts, and good vibes, prayers, chants, hope... but assumptions I'd rather not.

We've had three miscarriages... that's a really hard situation to be in, because we know beyond a doubt that the odds are not in our favor. I know that you can do everything within your power, and still fail. I know that pregnancy doesn't mean you're going to have a baby.

We lost so much with our miscarriages. And most people can't even begin to imagine how much. Even I'm still learning the absolute depths of that loss.

My husband used to be an optimist. He believed we would get pregnant and carry to term. He always tried to cheer me up, to reign my depression in. He thought the treatments would definitely work. He thought the risk of miscarriage was much lower... and it is, in a normal situation. But we're not your normal situation at all. Something broke within him after the first miscarriage, and it broke a little more after the second. After the third, all of his optimism died. He stopped believing the treatments would work, but wanted to keep trying them. He didn't believe we'd get pregnant, and even if we did... we didn't believe it would work.

Neither of us are acknowledging that I'm pregnant right now, other than the medications and the time lost from work. We're just drifting through the days, hoping that maybe it'll work out but keeping our feet grounded because we both know the risks... and given our history, we know that it very likely could happen to us again. And right now we need that disconnection from it, it's our only way of protecting ourselves.

I'll update tomorrow, whether it's good news or bad.


Wendy said...

I've randomly stumbled across your blog and just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you tomorrow. I am currently pregnant after a m/c. I'm having my first u/s on Tuesday and I will be a few days shy of 6w then. Like you, Ive been scared to acknowledge this pregnancy because I'm scared it won't last. I've been taking it one day at a time. What you are feeling....I am feeling the exact same thing.

Stinky said...

I could have written most of this. 3 mc's too. By the third pregnancy I was doing pretty much what you are now, expecting the worst but with a glimmer of hope.
Its such a hard place to be, like you say, you know the reality of all this and hearing other people being all positive makes you want to rip them a new one ("please listen to me and what we have been through and stop projecting your ideals and just fucking BE there for us")

Nevertheless I am still holding the hope for you

St Elsewhere said...

I hope that you update back with a positive news.

There are no guarantees anywhere. I know how tough it must be for you to acknowledge the pregnancy.

Just take care and be good to yourself.

Words Like Swords said...

I just want to say good luck and I've got everything crossed for you. I can't imagine how difficult all this is, but I really hope this ultrasound goes well.

Glass Case of Emotion said...

I can completely relate to this post- friends treated me the same way last pregnancy. It's hard. I am hoping all goes well for you, but I will wait and hold your hand with you either way.

Shelby said...

I've been following you and I must tell you that I am wishing the absolute best for you. I want this for you so badly. I can just begin to understand the place the both of you are in and wherever this takes you, I hope healing is a part of that equation.

IDidn'tAskForThis said...

I have just recently starting following you and I come back and check for your posts daily-always holding my breath and saying a little prayer. I truly wish you the very best and hope all goes well.

Bobbi said...

Prayers and hugs. I hope today is a wonderful day for you and your husband!! Always wishing the best for you. You deserve this beyond anyone I know!

Chrissie said...

Sadly I can relate all too well to your feelings. (Progesterone is the devil in pill form) Praying for peace, and hope and for your miracle to happen. Sometimes it is just easier to have hope for someone else so let us hope for you, so you can care for your bruised and broken hearts.
Love, hope and prayers to you today x

Celia said...

I am thinking of you and hoping and praying. I am so afraid for you, because I know that if nothing goes wrong today, while that is joyful- it will also do nothing to alleviate the terrible dread you are living with. I never ever believed we would have a living baby at the end of our road and to be honest, I am still so scared that something will happen to him. I only stopped making my husband creep into his room to make sure he was breathing at 11 months.