Understanding-

Ultrasound in less than 10 hours.

I don't think most people can truly understand how very nervous and uncertain we are, I know our family and IRL friends certainly don't. My mom heard that the numbers are doubling better, and now she thinks everything is fine and the danger is over. I've explained to her that's not the case, but she doesn't understand at all. I know that doubling numbers don't mean a damn thing. It's a good sign, and I am thankful that our numbers finally normalized, but I also know that it's ultimately a false sense of security. That doesn't mean I'm not going to grasp at it anyway, but it means I am aware that in the end they mean nothing. I've had great doubling betas before, and it ended just the same. I will not fall for that again. It gives me the strength to keep fighting, because the rising betas mean that my embryo is still fighting... but it doesn't necessarily make me feel more optimistic about this pregnancy.

As soon as I tell people things are going better, they assume that everything is alright now. They've started asking if I have any symptoms, do I have morning sickness yet... no, I don't. I have a bruise covered abdomen from my injections, a sore cervix from the progesterone, occasional spotting, cramping, and lots of side effects from all my medication that I'm pumping into my body. Some of which mirror pregnancy symptoms, I mean the progesterone supplement is a hormone found in pregnancy so of course it mirrors them. But if I try to tell people that, they just don't understand. They act like I'm putting them off. And maybe in a way I am, because their optimism causes me pain. How can they act like everything is fine? It's one thing to hope, but it's something entirely different to assume.

I'm all for positive thoughts, and good vibes, prayers, chants, hope... but assumptions I'd rather not.

We've had three miscarriages... that's a really hard situation to be in, because we know beyond a doubt that the odds are not in our favor. I know that you can do everything within your power, and still fail. I know that pregnancy doesn't mean you're going to have a baby.

We lost so much with our miscarriages. And most people can't even begin to imagine how much. Even I'm still learning the absolute depths of that loss.

My husband used to be an optimist. He believed we would get pregnant and carry to term. He always tried to cheer me up, to reign my depression in. He thought the treatments would definitely work. He thought the risk of miscarriage was much lower... and it is, in a normal situation. But we're not your normal situation at all. Something broke within him after the first miscarriage, and it broke a little more after the second. After the third, all of his optimism died. He stopped believing the treatments would work, but wanted to keep trying them. He didn't believe we'd get pregnant, and even if we did... we didn't believe it would work.

Neither of us are acknowledging that I'm pregnant right now, other than the medications and the time lost from work. We're just drifting through the days, hoping that maybe it'll work out but keeping our feet grounded because we both know the risks... and given our history, we know that it very likely could happen to us again. And right now we need that disconnection from it, it's our only way of protecting ourselves.



I'll update tomorrow, whether it's good news or bad.