Wednesday, May 11, 2011

And yet-

Everyone already believes that this pregnancy is going to make it.
Except me, my husband, and our doctor. Even she's hesitant.

We have a heartbeat; we've reached 7 and a half weeks.
And yet... that doesn't really mean anything.

My sister is visiting from across the country, so we went out to lunch with our mother today. It was nice, until they started talking about this pregnancy. And they started talking about it as if it were going to succeed, wondering if it's going to be a boy or a girl, going on about how amazing it is they start so small. It was like an ordinary conversation, and yet... I was fidgeting, hoping they'd change the subject.

But they kept talking... until my sister asked if were were going to find out the gender, and I answered "Yeah, if it's still alive."

Everyone keeps saying "this one is going to stay, I know it," "this is it," "you're going to have a baby," and yet... when we're done talking, and we say our goodbyes, I start crying.

Not because it's amazing, or this is "finally" happening... but because this can end. Because all the others ended. Because I can never share in their naitivity. Because it hurts, their joy hurts, their assumptions hurt.

People talking about pregnancy has been hard on me for a long time, who'd have thought that conversations about my own pregnancy would be so hard for me too?

I can take joy in today, sure, but I can never take joy in something that hasn't happened yet. Getting excited about finding out the gender or having an actual baby? Sorry, I can't do that. I just want to get through today.


kg said...

i think about you all the time. you are always in my prayers.

Stinky said...

Completely understand this. Have you got a point in your head by which you want to reach before you believe its happening (ok, birth, I know).

Self-protection, huh? Your family don't need to protect their heart as much as you right now


'Murgdan' said...

I can't even imagine. Early pregnancy was filled with such doubt and fear for me and I never even experienced a I can really only imagine how terrifying it must be to be where you are right now. I'm thinking about you and search for your updates the minute I log in...and am hoping for all the best...and that against all odds this will be it.

Celia said...

hen I graduated to the OB and went for my first appointment there, the receptionist told me congratulations- with basically unicorns and puffy hearts. I told her to congratulate me when we got to viability. I just could not allow myself to believe it would work. I was afraid till Peter was in my arms. It is completely understandable that you feel this way. If they can't respect it, maybe give yourself a break from them. I panicked the first time we went into BRU and we had to leave. The same thing happened when I went shopping for maternity clothes.

blueeyedtawni said...

until people walked a mile..
the scaredness the resentment will be there . happiness may be moderated in small bits. but how to stay happy , when every lil thing makes you worry.
many hugs and sticky thoughts to you all

Miss Conception said...

I recently just got a BFP that, medically speaking, was not supposed to happen. I am currently almost 5 weeks and I COMPLETELY understand what you are going through. We may be strangers, but I am sending you LOTS of love. Hang in there, lady.

Rebecca said...

Just take it one day at a time. Try to not think about tomorrow. I know its not that easy but just find some small joy for the present time in your condition and explain to those around you that you only want to think of now and not the tomorrows that might not be.

It probably doesn't sound all that good what I wrote above but know that I do understand. I'm hoping that this baby does stick for you.

Do I Have to Be a D.I.N.K.? said...

I totally understand and make the same kind of comments! Hang in there! Take it one day at a time!

LisaL said...

I totally understand.
I miss having that naitivity from my first BFP. Getting excited and planning for my future baby.
And then it all came crashing down around me.
I couldn't even get excited for my 2nd BFP and for good reason apparently b/c it also ended.

I'll never experience that pure and utter joy from a BFP ever again. I'll always be scared to death that at any moment, it will end.
It's heartbreaking to think about and it totally sucks that any of us have to feel this.


MrsSpock said...

One step at a time...

Courtney said...

I hope that they are all right.

I hope that the day comes you can eat your words.

I hope a day comes that you are able to relax and enjoy.

Praying they are all right.

Ed said...

Before my last miscarriage people said the same types of things to me. Even when I knew I was miscarrying people were like, oh probably not! I borrowed a line from Joan on Mad Men. People kept telling her her husband would be fine in Vietnam. She responded, "People like to say that."

Kristin said...

I remember feeling that terrified that yet again there would be heartache. I'm praying hard for you my friend.

Queenie. . . said...

Been 16 month old is now snoozing beside me. It's all about finding a balance between protecting your heat, in case anything goes wrong, and hoping, dreaming, planning for a baby. Initially, I was probably 90 percent cynical and 10 percent hopeful, butgradually as the pregnancy progressed, that equation reversed. Be kind to yourself. This can be hard, even when things are seemingly good. No one tells you that.

Holly Curtis said...

It's called self preservation, Steph. Yuo can't get too excited, because you know how devastating the loss is multiple times over. I really do think this is your time, but I know you are scared and I know it could end at any time. It's hope that this is your time, hope that you have experienced enough pain and loss, hope that this is your take home baby when I say those things. I hope you know that. ♥

Meghan said...

After 3 losses, I couldn't trust my body either. Everyone else (once we told them) was so sure, and I was so unsure that I couldn't think beyond the day I was in. She was born via planned induction--with no name, because I was afraid to choose one. Her room was ready, but it was only prepared in the last two weeks. I regret that, in a lot of ways--I feel like I missed the joy of expecting her--but it was the best I could do. Remember that a lot of people who DO understand are surrounding you with love.