Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Anxiety and stress-

- I'm still cramping off and on, and that makes me very nervous. I'm hoping it the "normal" pregnancy cramping, whatever that is. I've already had three miscarriages, I really couldn't tell you what "normal" is. The cramping early on this time was bad cramping (worse than your typical period cramps) accompanied by lots of blood... so obviously I worry at every twinge, cramp, sore uterus feeling.

- I'm taking a temporary leave of absence from work (I was going to quit, but my boss suggested I just go off the schedule for now and come back when I can). It just made sense for a lot of reasons. My only regret about that, is losing my extra income each month. Not only are we out that money, but my medicine to keep this pregnancy is expensive. We went from paying $20 on medication a month, to paying about $350. That's not including our co-pay for each visit with our RE. Will it be worth it? If it works, of course! It's just hard right now. I'm trying not to think about it. The guilt of not going into work when we needed the money was eating at me, but I'm just going to push that aside for now and enjoy being a couch potato.

- Determining what OB to call, or when to call, is going to be the death of me. I believe the stress from it yesterday was causing me to have weird chest palpitations (I say this because it got to the point later in the evening, that every time my phone rang I jumped and I felt the palpitations). I'm only 8wks4days... I don't want to think about this yet. I mean, yes, most "normal" women have already scheduled an appointment with their OB and it's no big deal... but it is for me. I've had three losses. I've scheduled an OB appointment before and had to cancel because of losing the pregnancy. I've only had to deal with an RE for the past... 2 or 3 years. I get good care from my RE, I know what to expect, I know that she's on board with all my treatment right now and is taking me seriously... what if I can't find an OB up to my level of care?

I mean I saw a local OB/GYN practice last year for a pap test, but that practice scared me so bad I couldn't get out of there fast enough! Seriously, they didn't know what an IUI was and she kept asking me if I was SURE that it was okay to do a pap two days after having an IUI. Then she was surprised about my uterine septum resection, since they just leave them in there no matter how severe they are (she even told me a story about a patient with a complete one... and I was absolutely horrified with this practice by the end of the story).

The local OBs scare me. I honestly don't know if I could find one here that would keep me on my meds, or that would monitor me properly on them. That's a big concern of mine right now, finding an OB who is willing to let me stay on Lovenox and the Synthroid. The OBs here just don't seem very educated... which leaves going closer to the bigger city for a better OB... and unfortunately that's an hour away.

The local hospital... well, it scares me too. Their answer to anything the slightest bit complicated, is to ship the patient off to the big city hospitals. I know a few people who delivered there with no issues, but these were "normal" women, with "normal" pregnancies, who only took prenatals the entire time. Yes, the hospital is convenient (a less than 5 minute drive) but I don't know if I'd feel comfortable there regarding the level of care I'd be receiving.

We're kind of rural, so to see a good practice or go to a good hospital, we'd have to drive all the way to a bigger city an hour away. Which, let's face it, that's a long drive. If I stay pregnant, I don't know if I'll be induced because of the Lovenox or not, what if I went into labor and had to drive an hour? In winter? What if the drive wasn't possible, and I had to go to the local hospital who didn't know my history or understand it? Just so many "if's" right now. I mean, seriously, I don't even know if I'll stay pregnant at this point... why do I have to think about this right now?!

(*sigh*) I think we're going to meet with a practice in the big city, where I think we might get better care. We'll have to talk to them about my issues, concerns, the distance, etc... and just go from there.

Still, I'm feeling very stressed about this. I don't want to leave my RE, but she can't keep me past 11 weeks. I have to be sorted with an OB by then...

if I make it to 11 weeks.

Just... really really scary, and I'm very nervous, and this is stressful... and I feel like screaming... just a little bit.

- And yes, even seeing the heartbeat, the little arm buds, I'm still scared as hell about losing this pregnancy. And I'm feeling distant from it, like it isn't real and it's going to end any time now. I feel abnormal and scarred beyond repair.

- Everyone IRL is still assuming I'm going to have this baby... I'd like to question their source of this information, because I'm apparently missing something. I personally haven't been notified that we're in the all clear yet, and I know I haven't told them we are. As a matter of fact, I'm sure I keep phrasing things to them like, "well, if I'm still pregnant," or "things look okay for now, but we're still not out of the woods," "as of Monday it was okay."

I'll have to work on my communication skills... or, you know, they could work on their listening skills.

I know, I know, they're just excited. But, to me their excitement is misplaced. If I were a normal woman, who hadn't went through three miscarriages, or 4 years trying to have a baby, it would be a different story. For a normal woman, yeah things look good and they'd probably stay good. However, I am not a normal woman. And they know this. When they act like this, it seems like they forget it though. Like they forget all the pain, and all the uncertianty, that my body is messed, that things are not the same for me and most women.

I don't know. It's just hard for me, and I'm trying to deal with it rather than approach them. I understand that they want to be excited... it's just really hard for me. Especially when we're the ones pregnant, and we're not excited... but all these other people can be so carefree with their emotions.

I suppose it's easier for them, since they didn't actually live through the horrors we did in the past 4 years... they can forget all that, because they weren't the ones in pain, screaming, sobbing uncontrollable, fighting over grief.

I don't know. Just trying to sort my thoughts. I'm a mess right now... and no one seems to even see it.


Christina said...

There is nothing I can say that will make you feel better about things, but just know we are all rooting for you and this baby!

As for the OB, could you see if your RE knows of a good one they can refer/release you too? I'm sure if you tell them your fears and concerns, they'll be able to help you.

Celia said...

You know I would not bullshit you, my personal feeling is that this baby is for real. I think ( based on nothing but reading your posts) that whatever your body does wrong was finally conquered with all that extra progesterone. HOWEVER, I completely and totally understand that you cannot and most surely will not relax. How could you when the medical community has done nothing but fail you?

What I did was ask my RE for an ob recommendation. And I LOVE my ob. And I drove an hour to them. My hospital was an hour away too, even though we have a local yokel hospital within two minutes of our house. I was not trusting my baby to THEM. hellllll no.

But it was hard, especially at the end when I was terrified I would go into labor at home alone or that my blood pressure would spike( it did, but I was already at the hospital) and I would be forced to use the locals.

be upfront with the receptionists. I told mine that I was scared and paranoid and were they used to handling IF patients? And they were. And I could not have gotten better care.

UpperBottom said...

hi! first time visitor here. so yeah, you don't know me or anything but i was just blog hopping around and i admire you for sharing your story. i bet a lot of your followers are really inspired by all of this.

again, this is the first post i've read of yours but i'm like, whoa.

saying a quick prayer for you and your little one.


claire said...

Maybe I am cautiously optimistic but who is to say that things will not even out and you could go on to have a normal pregnancy and a normal birth? I think keeping those things in your minds eye and staying positive even though past experiences dictate otherwise would really help.

Best of luck finding an OB!

I know this is probably one of those really annoying you can do it comments! But you have been through SO MUCH heart break that don't you deserve a tiny bit of hope right now?

Lisa said...

I just stumbled across your blog, and I just want to let you know that I understand what you're going through. I know nothing can ease this anxiety for you, but I am hoping for the very best for you. Hang in there.

Kristin said...

Oh honey, I remember feeling scared and I think it would be multiplied by never having had a successful pregnancy. {{{Hugs}}} and prayers.