Saturday, May 14, 2011

Should be-

Every time I enter a new week of pregnancy, I say "I should be X weeks today. If it's still alive."

The truth is it still isn't real for me, even after hearing the heartbeat. I mean, I know I'm "pregnant" and I'm taking all these medications and doing all these things to try and ensure I stay that way. But... I don't feel like I'm pregnant. My only symptoms can be attributed to my medications. I don't have morning sickness, or any other typical symptoms. Not that symptoms really mean anything anyway. The only reason we assume I'm still pregnant, is because last Monday the ultrasound said so.

So when people ask if things are going well, I say "Well, as of last Monday it was." Because how could I know? Even if I lost it, I wouldn't miscarry right away so there is no way of knowing that I'm still pregnant. So I don't feel comfortable saying that I am. Because I can't know that. I don't have an ultrasound machine in my home that I can use everyday. As far as I'm concerned, I'm pregnant that day, the morning that the ultrasound goes well. After that, it's anyone's guess.

So, my friends. I should be 8 weeks pregnant today. If it's still alive.

In two days time, we'll see if I really am 8 weeks or not.
Until then... I'm waiting patiently and sincerely hoping that my little Nombie is still with us.

13 comments:

blueeyedtawni said...

hope and lots of hugs!

LisaL said...

Good luck! Hope everything measures where it should and your LO is in there for the long haul :)

MWOPWOP Admin said...

Because I had a miscarriage when I got pregnant again I didn't really "relax" until well past 20 weeks. And even then I worried. I think it's natural in those types of situations to just not "feel", not believe it.

So for you I hope everything continues on well and that maybe someday you can relax a bit. But never think you're abnormal for not relaxing!

Rebecca said...

I'll be thinking of you at your next appointment. Keeping hope, sending you hugs, and prayers.

Ducky said...

Will we ever relax? ((hugs))

At some point I want to really celebrate my baby, but I'm not sure when that point will be.

iamstacey said...

I'm so sorry IF has robbed you of the joy you should be feeling. I'm so sorry it's so terrifying. I'm hoping each u/s and each passing week will bring you more confidence and joy!

Kristin said...

Hoping and praying...

BTW, have you thought about getting a doppler in a couple of weeks?

Celia said...

I am thinking of you. And I 100% agree that a doppler will be something you need to have so that you don't go crazy.

starfishkittydreams said...

I completely understand your fears here. After so many losses how could you mentally prepare for anything else. It seems almost unimaginable to me still to be able to think of any pregnancy resulting in an actual live birth. One day at a time, that is sometimes all we can process. Each day you are getting one step closer. It may feel very uncertain right now, but if you think about it, all pregnancies even the healthy/successful ones start with exactly where you are right now. You are on that path and progressing and that is awesome!

St Elsewhere said...

To 8 weeks and beyond!

Go Nombie!

Carolyn said...

Wow, I could have written soo many of your posts. I'm on the other side now (thankfully and so very very grateful). My first loss was in 2004, then another in 2005, and yet another in 2009. And then somehow I was extremely blessed with twin daughters at the end of 2009. I still feel the loss of my pregnancies (I feel they are children) every.single.day. I NEVER relaxed during my pregnancies and I had such a hard time with people talking about the future. I wanted it sooo badly to work out and end up with a living child but my heart was so damaged and people just don't understand. I very much hope that your u/s today goes well, and I know that feeling all to well that once a day has passed after an u/s you are worried all the time, nothing is a given.
Feel free to email me if you'd ever like to chat. csoellinger@yahoo.com
Carolyn

WindDrop said...

Symptoms mean nothing. I've been tired, boobs sore, and that's mostly it! I know that I'm 13w pregnant, saw the baby 2 weeks ago and will see again this week. I don't really feel prenant. I'm just hoping that will change when I can start to feel the baby move.

I haven't had losses but years dealing with IF. You want and try for something for so long that it doesn't seem real even when it happens. Not to mention if you've had losses and can't trust that now that it has happened that all will be ok.

I would 100% recommend the Sonoline B 3mhz doppler. I'm a big girl and was able to hear the hb the first time I tried at 9w. It has brought me so much peace. BUT you have to remember that sometimes it can be hard to find and can't think something has happened if you can't find it.

I hope all is well again this week.

Celia said...

It's Monday, I have been checking on you all day. I hope there is good news.