Rambling-

- I'm 10wks1day today, if Nombie is still alive. Making it to the double digits is a milestone... but I can't find any joy right now. I'm in pain, I feel like crap, and I'm scared.

- It's 90 degrees Fahrenheit outside. We don't have air conditioning, and our bedroom is upstairs... I'd go downstairs to the couch where it might be a bit cooler, but the only functional bathroom is upstairs too so that just wouldn't work for the whole strict bed rest thing.

It's really hot in here.

- I woke up today with a migraine from hell. And it doesn't seem like it wants to go anywhere. So I'm laying in the hot dark room, don't want to turn on the TV because it will make things worse, and I feel like I'm going to barf any second now. The heat isn't helping that feeling either. Awesome.

- Our families aren't very close, and they aren't really the best at helping one another out. We both come from broken homes. While I can count on my mom for some things... well, she's mentally ill, she lives in another county, she's on a limited income for disability, and I don't like to ask her. As for my husband's family, his mom's boyfriend was just in a motorcycle accident last week and he got banged up really bad (some broken bones, skull fracture, etc...). She's understandably got her hands full right now. She keeps asking if I need anything, but she's really got enough to deal with.

Besides, it's really hard for me to ask for help. Coming from broken homes, my husband and I both learned that the only person you can rely on is yourself. Since being together we've learned to rely on each other, and that's it. We have AAA because we know that if our car battery was dead, even if we called someone for a jump, well they wouldn't come... and if they did? they'd want gas money for doing it. I'm serious, this happened last Christmas. We didn't want to wait for AAA, so we called my BIL (who was 2 streets away at his house)... and had to give him money to do it. I understand that money is tight for everyone, I just think that's ridiculous... but it also wasn't unexpected either. That's just how they work. My husband and I offer to help when we can, give rides when needed, but we've never ever asked for gas money. If it's offered, we decline it. But that's not how our families work.

So I can't ask anyone to come over and help clean, or to help with meals, or anything else. I tried to ask my mom to when I had my surgeries last year, I even offered to pay her to clean my house for me since I was laid up for 3 months healing... she declined my offer. She came over once during that entire 3 months, and when she did she had a mental breakdown and I had to comfort her. My husband's family never called once to know how my surgeries went, they could have cared less. Meanwhile, my husband tended to me and waited on me, and I was reminded once again what an absolutely wonderful man he is.

So we're on our own here. But we're used to it, we can deal with it, this isn't the first time I've been laid up and my husband has had to take care of me.

- My RE tried to placate me the other day by telling me we had a 5% chance of miscarriage at this point, and that things look good despite the clot. I reminded her that we only had a 1% chance of having 3 miscarriages in a row, and we hit that effortlessly enough... statistical odds of success mean very little to me at this point. Doubly so, since I know women who did lose their pregnancies because of subchorionic hematomas. Once you've fallen into the wrong side of low odds, or known someone who has, there isn't really any comfort left in what happens to most women. Sorry.

- I'm very emotional, I keep crying when I think of the baby. I feel so bad for it, my body just keeps trying and trying to kill it... and it's so cute, and I love it so much already. I feel guilty that it's my body trying to kill it, and that my body surely killed the other ones. It's messed up, the way my body acts against everything I've ever wanted in life.

I can't handle going through this again, whether this baby makes it or not I honestly don't think I can ever go through this again. I'm scared for my own health, and I'm scared for any baby I conceive. Every time I start bleeding a lot we have to rush to the ER to make sure I'm not hemorrhaging, to make sure I don't need a blood transfusion... and that's as scary as hell to me, and for my husband. We knew there were risks, but we didn't expect all this. I've been in so much pain from cramps, I've been on bed rest pretty much the entire time, and I've been bleeding almost this entire pregnancy too... this isn't right, or normal, and it's certainly not comforting.