August is almost here again-

Had my baseline the other day. Unfortunately the corpus luteum cyst was still hanging around, boo. However, she ran my estrogen and a beta to check on things- and since the estrogen was low and the beta was negative, we were given the go ahead. We told her what our revised plan was, and she agreed to it.

So I start 200mg Clomid today, and we see what happens. Or what doesn't happen. Next month we go back to Femara.

August is almost here. I should have been due around the first. Ungh.

Also, my niece was stillborn at the end of August. My niece should have been turning twelve next month. That's so surreal. She was so beautiful; her skin was so dark, with black curly hair, and pudgy little cheeks. I still wonder who she would have looked more like, her mom or her dad. My sister's oldest son takes after her, her youngest after his father. I think Amariah would have taken after her grandmother though, like my other niece. I would love to have seen her grow though, I wonder which traits she would have gotten. She was multi-racial, African American-Native American- Caucasian. I think she had her grandmother's cheek structure, my sister and her husband both had black hair so that was from anyone and everyone. The curls were from her father though, because my sister's hair was straight as can be. Would she have been tall, or short like all of us? My sister is only 5' 1", my mother 5', grandma was only 4' 11". We used to joke that we were "breeding our line up taller" since each generation married a taller man, and each new generation got a few inches taller. No one's laughing now. Would she have had my sister's smile? I wonder what her eyes would have looked like- they're closed in the only existing photograph of her. She was born sleeping, time frozen in place. She never changes, she never grows up, she never opens her eyes. I bet they would have been beautiful- beautiful eyes for the beautiful baby girl.

Plans-

After a long talk last night we made some new plans. Still saving money for adoption (not making much progress right now due to some medical bills, but once those are paid off we should be making more progress). But instead of doing the monitored Femara next cycle we are going to ask for an unmonitored Clomid cycle.

We decided we do not want to take a break just yet, mostly because I just had that ovarian drilling done. Any benefits from that only last 6 months to a year, with it getting less effective the further out you get from it. That surgery is not meant to be redone, and it was a lot for me to go through. I don't want to waste any of it's effects, and we're almost 5 months out from it now. Also, I do not ovulate on my own. Which means no chance of having a baby at all on my own... I'm pretty much my own birth control. So while I'm not getting pregnant on treatments right now, at least I have a chance. We don't want to give that chance up just yet.

My husband really wants to keep doing the Femara because I'm responding to it so well- he wants to make the most of whatever cycles we can get now, because we're both so used to me not responding at all. This is something new for us. We've had four tries to get pregnant this year. To put this in perspective... our first year trying to conceive we didn't have any tries, at all, because I didn't ovulate once. We then sought fertility treatments. Our second year I ovulated three times. Third year, I ovulated twice. Four months into our new year of trying to conceive, and I've ovulated four times. Four times in four months! That is a record my friends. Even when I was younger and cycling on my own, I only got my period every 2-3 months. For once, I'm actually responding to treatments and ovulating. No wonder he's getting his hopes up too.

I talked him into the unmonitored Clomid. It'll be a nice reprieve. If the doctor will let us do this, anyway. We know this has worked in the past, because my second pregnancy was from an unmonitored Clomid cycle. We won't have as much pressure because of no monitoring, I can chart ovulation by basal body temperature to see if I respond (which, there's no guarantee that I will), and it will also save us some money. That's my logic at least.

After that we will do 2-3 Femara cycles. And after that, we decided to take a break from November until March. A break would be nice; it would give me time to focus solely on my weight loss and not trying to conceive, time to just recharge, and we don't really want to drive an hour through the snow and ice for monitoring another winter. After the break we will re-evaluate, and most likely try Femara and/or Clomid again.

Plans may change again, but that's where things stand right now. New cycle should be starting tonight or tomorrow, I had a major temperature drop in my basal body temperature today. We'll see what my doctor says about our plans. And I guess we'll go from there.

Blllaaaahhhh-

Still negative. No surprise there.

Blogger messed up and I went to publish some comments and it deleted them... grrrrr. So if your comment isn't on the last post, I didn't mean to delete it. Blogger is being a jerk.

I've been having a pretty bad weekend. Personal crapfest that I won't go into.

But the cold front finally hit, so that's good at least. Up until a few hours ago my husband, my little brother, and I were kinda just sitting around looking like we were going to melt. My cats were all laying around like deflated balloons, the poor babies. Of course, the heat is better than a blizzard... I hate snow.

I'm in a kind of crappy place at the moment because of the crappy weekend. I sort of feel like just yelling, "Fuck it all." to life right now. I'm just really angry about something, and it happening on top of my negative and my back pain and the amazingly high heat index for the past few days... yeah. Angry, upset, annoyed, sad, depleted, numb, blah.

I have some decisions to make about what we're going to do after this next Femara cycle. It's either keep going, switch back to Clomid for a cycle or two, take a break until spring, or go ahead and quit like we keep saying we're going to. Obviously we're not totally ready to quit, since we're still doing treatments- mostly because it's going to take us a long time to get to where we can afford the adoption fees. Partly because, apparently, a small part of hope is still alive. Not much, but it's there. I think the fact that I've been responding to treatments has contributed to the latter... I've never ovulated this much in a year. It's really weird.

Bitter-

I tested earlier today than I intended, mostly because my back really fucking hurts. And I really wanted to take something stronger than acetaminophen. It was negative, and I took some Naproxen Sodium. It probably won't help, I'm pretty sure I know what I did to my back (or rather my spine) again. Spinal inflammation sucks. It sucks bad. Sitting hurts, standing hurts, walking can hurt, and even laying the fuck down hurts. Getting up hurts. Everything I do hurts. I had spinal inflammation before, for a very long time until I got a proper diagnosis, and it felt just like this. Not cool.

I am pissy about the negative test, because honestly- I had no problem getting pregnant before, it was ovulating that was the issue. Now? What the hell?! I've ovulated 4 times in a row with intercourse timing (an IUI this time) and NADA. Nothing. Not even the hint of a fucking line. I know, I know, other women go much longer... but I managed to get pregnant on every other ovulation before. Now, nothing. It just makes me worry that something else is broke now. Even though all testing, surgeries, etc... showed nothing else being wrong.

Deep breaths. Whhheewww.

I'm in pain. I'm pissy. I'm most likely not pregnant. Again. And the heat index for today is 105... and I'm in a Northern state of the USA... so that's HOT for us... especially since we don't have air conditioning at my stupid house. I'm sad, angry, and melting... ungh.

The countdown-

I am holding out to test tomorrow at 11dpo (days past ovulation). I know, it's early- but I got my positives at 11dpo for the first two pregnancies, and 10dpo with the last one. My body seems to like that time line. If it's negative, I'll retest at 13dpo to confirm the negative. Then I will stop my progesterone supplements. But if it's negative tomorrow, I will feel confident that it is an accurate result.

But the waiting is hard, not just because I want to know (but also don't want to)- but also, my back hurts, and I would really like to take something stronger than acetaminophen. But I'm being a good girl and toughing it out. That's one thing I won't miss about trying to conceive- living your life like your pregnant, even though you aren't. If I was pregnant, I'd be fine and happy to do that. But I'm not... so it just pisses me off. I know, wah wah wah.

I really hate being in the homestretch for testing, I get antsy. I feel like I'm chanting to myself, "I will not test today. I will not test today. I will not test today."

If I click my heels while I say that, do you think that will help me make it come true?

Feeling blah-

I am halfway through the two-week-wait. Whew. Time has sure slowed down though.

I've been utterly exhausted lately, and sleeping is not helping. I think it's because I'm working graveyard shift two days a week, and the nights I get regular sleep... well, I don't. I keep waking up during my R.E.M. sleep every single freakin' night... for like two to three weeks now. It's bad. I wake up still exhausted and sore- as if I'd only slept a few hours.

I worked myself even more sore Friday doing home repairs, which is rewarding but painful. I installed a few screens for some of the windows that needed them. I replaced our broken ceiling fan, which would have been such a simple task, if our ceiling wasn't so damn high. I guess we need a taller ladder, but I barely reached the wires, and one of us had to hold the fan while the other one spliced the wires together... so, uuunnnggghhh. But I got it all hooked up, and it works lovely! I am proud of my handiwork. Of course, the light on it is different. At the store I thought it looked nice and fit the woodwork and decor of the living room better... but when I got it up, my husband had to point out that I had bought a boob light. You know the ones I'm talking about, they are round with a metal piece in the middle. Yeah. Oops. Oh well. If your mind isn't in the gutter, it's elegant. If it is... it at least provides you with a good laugh, right?

Did I mention time seems like it's slowed down? Yeah... only halfway there. But still.. halfway there! I may start testing on Friday. I don't know. I'm pretty indecisive, and in the end I have to fight myself from testing early. I'm bad. I usually cave in.

Did I mention how much I hate waiting? I've had to wait so much for so many different things over the past 3 years... it's tiring.

I'm not really feeling it- but then again I never am. I'm just so jaded by everything. Not getting pregnant. Having miscarriage after miscarriage. I expect the worst at every turn now. Maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised one day. I'm not going to hold my breath on it, but it'd be nice.

Just gotta remind myself-

I already thought my expectations were pretty low for the new ob/gyn's office... but, they weren't low enough.

I gave the nurse my history and went back... waited forever too, I might add. I'm sitting there and I hear them outside the door... clear as day.

"Is this the next one?"
"I think it is."
(chart is taken down, hear papers shuffling)
"What's an IUI?"
"I don't know."
"IUI... it stands for something. Intrauterine..."
"She doesn't see Dr. BlowsSunshine at @#$!~, I don't know who this doctor is."

(*sigh*)

There was a lot more to it than that, but that's the gist of it.

When they came in I said, "You know, you guys could have came in here and asked me about that stuff. I would have been glad to answer any questions."

Yes, they did mention my old incompetent doctor while they were in the hallway wondering what exactly an IUI was. Yes, I did have to explain everything, IUI especially, to her when she got in the room. Yes, I had to assure her that paps were okay this soon after an IUI- since, you know, the sperm and any possible embryo are, you know, in the fallopian tubes/uterus and not in or on my cervix. And no, as I had to explain to her, my RE didn't need me to do a pap before allowing me to do an IUI, and she did not give me one- since those are done yearly, and that's not what I'm paying her for. Thanks.

I was not impressed with their basic knowledge. I know they aren't experts, and I'm not seeing them or paying them for that... but damn, I would have liked them to at least know what an IUI was or about basic fertility treatments. Especially since their office brags that they "specialize" in reproductive problems and infertility (which, trust me, I already knew was a crock of shit... it always is, and I think it should be illegal for them to say they do when they so obviously don't). What scares me though is that these people do say they specialize in this stuff, they tell people they can diagnose and treat reproductive issues... (*shudder*) and so people go in there and expect to be treated by knowledgeable people, and they aren't. Things don't get diagnosed, treated properly, get over looked... just, scary.

Yeah, they don't have my vote of confidence. But, for the purposes of just seeing them for a yearly pap... well, they'll do I guess. I don't like them too well, but I'll live. After all, I'm just seeing them for one reason and one reason only... I think they can handle that at least.

eta: I knew they didn't "specialize" since they aren't REs of anything, although they claim they do, I was really just hoping they had a basic understanding of PCOS (since so few ob/gyns seem to) and that I wouldn't have to explain EVERYTHING. You know? It was annoying! And concerning. And... just, blah.

3 am, we meet again-

I blog a lot from work now, the graveyard shift here is usually pretty uneventful. It's an interesting feeling, because most of the time I am in a sleepy fog and by the next day I've forgotten what I wrote. It's like shaking my brain and dumping out the contents before I go to sleep. Sometimes I just write the thoughts down, save them as a draft, and don't publish them at all. And that's good too. They aren't usually very coherent anyway.

Of course, the shift being so quiet does mean that I'm left with time to research, wonder, and stew. That is, right now mostly I read my adoption books, I wonder if this treatment cycle will work, and I stew about my situation. The book I'm reading is still giving me lots to think about, and I'm still considering older child adoption. I'm almost done with it actually, and I have a few more at home to get through someday. I have plenty of time, since we won't be doing anything anytime soon anyhow. No rush.

My ovary area is kicking still, I am still pretty sure ovulation happened yesterday. And it's just still sore today, is all. Who knows, my basal body temperature is totally unreliable this cycle... again. That is one thing I'm going to chalk up to as being "super annoying" on Femara. But I felt it, I had the trigger shot, and I know that last time I did. So I'm going to try and stay calm this time around.

Stewing... hmmm. Well, with my last miscarriage I would have been due in three weeks. I realized that today... and while I know I wasn't as expectant with that pregnancy, already knowing it was over before it began, well... it's still hard. I still wanted it, very much. I mean, otherwise I wouldn't have used injections and had an IUI. I very much wanted it. But I knew it wasn't meant to be. I knew from the spotting, from the low beta, from the start. It was my shortest lived pregnancy yet. I had resigned myself to it's inevitable end before the nurse even told me. But the upcoming due date has still caught me off guard. It's still difficult for me.

I miss my babies. I don't get to say that very much anymore, because people expect me to be over them. And it gets awkward if I say anything. Especially after three. Apparently the more you have, the more you should be used to it- and over it. Which, I gotta say, is not the case. Each was unique and wanted, each loss was felt for what it was. A loss. But people get really awkward if I say anything, and sometimes they stumble over what to say and get a case of foot in mouth disease or I get the silent treatment... so I don't mourn them as publicly anymore. It's easier in some ways, but harder in others.

I'm getting frustrated with myself, because just as I started resigning myself to never getting pregnant again... I find myself thinking about what it would be like. I find myself looking ahead and wondering what it would be like if this cycle worked. I actually have a chance at pregnancy again, because I've ovulated 4 times on meds since my surgery. And I might keep responding the the medicine even... there's a chance. The more times I respond to the medicine, the more times I have a chance at pregnancy. Hope creeped back in... and it makes me feel pretty masochistic.

Now I know that it can be wonderful, and we need hope- but after everything I've been through, this isn't something I want hope in. I don't want to care anymore. I don't want to keep going through this. I want a definitive exit date. And I know I can't give myself one if I keep having chances to get pregnant. At the same time, I still want to get pregnant (but only with a viable pregnancy damn it!). I still want that experience. I still want to know what a baby with both our genes would look like- whose eyes, whose hair, whose smile...

I'm just very worn out from all this, and I want the journey to be over. That's all. I want a resolution to my infertility. And I can't make a conscious decision to end it, not quite yet. In a few months, maybe. But not yet.

See, sleepy me is all discombobulated and probably not making much sense.

That's how I feel sometimes- like nothing makes sense anymore.

Thanks-

While handing him the specimen cup, I said offhand, "Happy Anniversary."
He took it and raised an eyebrow at me, "Isn't this my gift to you?"
"Not until you fill it."

Ba-dum-chink.

It's the little things.

Count was 22 million with 70% motility. Not bad, but not anywhere as good as last IUI (but we didn't abstain from intercourse before this one, so that might have had something to do with it). Regardless, the doctor said it was within normal range. I can feel some ovary action as I type this, so hopefully that's a good thing. I start progesterone on the 14th I believe. And we are under the two week wait as of tomorrow.

Wooooo.... finally.

Our anniversary has been wonderful, despite the early morning run around with the clinic. We spent most of the day perusing the zoo, and enjoying life. I am exhausted and a little sunburnt, but again- it was a lovely day and totally worth it.

I needed that.

Thanks for all the anniversary and IUI well wishes- I greatly appreciated reading them, you are all so kind!

Taking a chance-

Today's appointment went well enough- the 15 grew to a nice 19.6 on the left- so we triggered. Lining was a lovely 11 something. After much debate we decided to go ahead and add the IUI for tomorrow, our anniversary.

One of my favorite nurses was working today, and as we left she told us, "May the force be with you!" Haha, I love it.

So, first thing tomorrow- hopefully- we'll head out and drop off the specimen. And then go out to an anniversary breakfast, then head back for the IUI itself.

Afterward, we're going to have a nice evening out- our anniversary is a threefold anniversary actually, so we usually try to do something extra special for it. It marks 7 years since we started dating, 6 years since we got engaged, and 4 years since we got married.

I love him more than ever, and am so glad that he's been there for me through everything.

Not quite-

Well, the appointment could have went better. I did have one follicle, but it isn't quite ripe for the plucking yet. It's only a 15. So, I go back Sunday and we'll see if things are looking better then.

I am glad my body tried to do something, and one follicle is certainly better than none- but I still find myself bummed out. Because, there is only one follicle again. And it's growing slowly at that, which makes me worry it will either a) Crap out and give up, or b) Be bad quality and make this cycle useless anyway.

If we end up triggering Sunday... big IF there... we'd have the IUI on our anniversary. Which, I have mixed feelings about that. It's our anniversary and I would like to have the day to just be about us... not about a doctor with a catheter of sperm and us. I don't want to remember that we had a failed IUI on our anniversary. I mean, if it didn't fail then that would be quite the memory- wouldn't it? But we all know what my track record holds. I know the odds. I already have a bad memory of conceiving on my birthday and losing that baby- and I realize that at this point every month almost holds some bad memory related to infertility and loss, but do I want to make a conscious decision to add to that list?

So now, I'm second guessing our decision to add an IUI this cycle. Of course, I'm getting ahead of myself since we don't even know if we'll be able to trigger anyway. But it's something we need to process and think about, just in case it does pan out that way.

So... this cycle remains up in the air.

I know- one follicle is pretty normal for Femara, and also ovulating on cycle day 16-18 can also be normal (especially with PCOS). I think I'm just finding things to fret about at this point... but I don't trust my body at all. She's a trickster.

Reigning myself in now, and trying to calm down.

My heart is breaking-

A Decade of BFNs is a good friend of mine- she's been there for me on the forums, my blog, and even FB since my first loss. She, like me, has also been fighting PCOS. She has also suffered repeat miscarriages.

She was one of the people I was so happy for when I heard about her recent positive test... over the moon, and begging the universe to let this be it.

She recently had an accident and it looks like she's lost the pregnancy. Please give her some kind words and support- she is such a wonderful lady, and it's so unfair.

Are they trying to tell me something?-

I usually buy the three pack pregnancy tests- better value considering how pee obsessive I am. So, I opened it up last time and was like- well there's the three pink pregnancy tests, and what's this fourth green thing?

Oh yeah, they went and did it.

First Response decided that I might want to try their new fertility test.

Ummm, are they trying to say something about us avid consumers of pregnancy tests? Like, since most normal women only need one test, maybe two, to confirm their fears or desires? Hmmm. But three tests, well, then you might have a problem. And while they like your money, they think you should make sure you're not fertility challenged at this point?

Those fertility tests are about useless anyway, since if I'm not mistaken it just checks FSH. And it's not like you're getting the entire picture, and even so it's not exact. It's a line or faint line or no line test- not a quantity value, which is kinda important with this. Also, taking it at the wrong time gives inaccurate results.

And really, it is best to just see a specialist if you are concerned. Just my two cents though, from all my wonderful years of experience being eaten up and spit back out by the beast known as Infertility.

(*cough*)

Thank for the surprise free test First Response- I shall treasure it always.