I'm getting an early jump on Show and Tell today (Check this blog out if you want to know more about Show and Tell) I figure if I don't get on it now I will not get around to it at all... I've been absent minded lately.
Here I am, camera-faced, reflected in a murky pond. Sometimes my mind feels like this reflection. As if I am displaced, in an alternate world. This can't be real, I can't be going through this shit. I have always felt like I was through the looking glass, looking in. This could never have been my life.
I went to my favorite place this week, I took a good friend of mine. I dream about taking my someday children here too. This place, it's magickal. It makes me believe in the world again. When I have writer's block, I go here. Never mind that when I do go here all I want to write about it magick and Pan. It invigorates me nonetheless.
The man that used to own these 47 acres left his entire estate to the city he lived in, when he passed away. Beautiful expansive garden, mansion, courtyard, ponds, forests. Free for everyone to enjoy. And now I want to share it with you, and share with you my looking glass self.
I go here to clear my head, from time to time. It is so peaceful, so heavenly. It is my happy place. I have many bad places, places I don't want to go to, but this place holds only joy for me. I go here with friends, I take my little brother. My old best friend used to take me here sometimes. It will always hold a special place in my heart.
I wish I had more places like this. I've seen so much ugliness in my life, and not hardly enough good. I look around me sometimes and I find that I am truly that girl in the looking glass. I live in a world where everything is topsy turvy, down is the new up. In my looking glass world you don't have a normal life. Instead of loving parents, you get a mentally ill, apathetic, mother and a physically disabled, and abusive, father. You are both the youngest child, and the middle child. You never settle into a normal life because you move every few months, and the longest you live anywhere is 3 years. You grow up years before everyone you know. You start paying bills before you're out of school. You find your true love at 18, then years later find out you can't have that dream family you both were waiting for. That dream family you swore one day would be yours. That love you missed out on growing up, that love you swore to give to your someday children, instead goes to your cats. And you feel broken, all the time.
I am Alice, except she was able to leave that twisted wonderland.
I've spent years trying to figure out how to cross this great distorted divide.
I keep wandering around, trying to figure out how normal people get by.
I have become strong because of all of my hardships. I don't doubt that, but what I wouldn't give to just once walk that uneven path. Just once to not have to cut down an entire jungle to find my way in this life.