The darker side

Just feeling the hopelessness that goes with another failed cycle.

No response.

My P4 on CD20 was 1.4, so nothing by then. Nothing now.

I'm on cycle day 33 now, my BBT shows nothing. Nada.

I want to hold on to some hope that maybe my BBT didn't work this cycle, maybe I did ovulate and just can't see it. That maybe, just maybe, I am wrong.

Yeah, right. BBT worked for me before, doubt that it just stopped working. I'm giving it until Saturday, if nothing by then... I am starting the Provera again. I can't take much more of this cycle.

I always feel so empty, so hopeless, at the end of a useless cycle. I mean, if I at least ovulated, and just didn't get pregnant, I could live with that a little better. But this not even responding shit is getting old fast.

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And I'm now officially looking for a part time job. Not that I want one, especially with the quarter about to start back up at the good 'ole university, but I think I need to. Oh, what joy.

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By the way, the photo is from a lunar eclipse we had in February. I went out and stood in the snow, in my pajamas, to snap it with my zoom lens and tripod. It failed to capture the true beauty of the eclipse, but, meh.

Show and Tell

I'm getting an early jump on Show and Tell today (Check this blog out if you want to know more about Show and Tell) I figure if I don't get on it now I will not get around to it at all... I've been absent minded lately.

Here I am, camera-faced, reflected in a murky pond. Sometimes my mind feels like this reflection. As if I am displaced, in an alternate world. This can't be real, I can't be going through this shit. I have always felt like I was through the looking glass, looking in. This could never have been my life.

I went to my favorite place this week, I took a good friend of mine. I dream about taking my someday children here too. This place, it's magickal. It makes me believe in the world again. When I have writer's block, I go here. Never mind that when I do go here all I want to write about it magick and Pan. It invigorates me nonetheless.

The man that used to own these 47 acres left his entire estate to the city he lived in, when he passed away. Beautiful expansive garden, mansion, courtyard, ponds, forests. Free for everyone to enjoy. And now I want to share it with you, and share with you my looking glass self.

I go here to clear my head, from time to time. It is so peaceful, so heavenly. It is my happy place. I have many bad places, places I don't want to go to, but this place holds only joy for me. I go here with friends, I take my little brother. My old best friend used to take me here sometimes. It will always hold a special place in my heart.

I wish I had more places like this. I've seen so much ugliness in my life, and not hardly enough good. I look around me sometimes and I find that I am truly that girl in the looking glass. I live in a world where everything is topsy turvy, down is the new up. In my looking glass world you don't have a normal life. Instead of loving parents, you get a mentally ill, apathetic, mother and a physically disabled, and abusive, father. You are both the youngest child, and the middle child. You never settle into a normal life because you move every few months, and the longest you live anywhere is 3 years. You grow up years before everyone you know. You start paying bills before you're out of school. You find your true love at 18, then years later find out you can't have that dream family you both were waiting for. That dream family you swore one day would be yours. That love you missed out on growing up, that love you swore to give to your someday children, instead goes to your cats. And you feel broken, all the time.

I am Alice, except she was able to leave that twisted wonderland.
I've spent years trying to figure out how to cross this great distorted divide.
I keep wandering around, trying to figure out how normal people get by.
I have become strong because of all of my hardships. I don't doubt that, but what I wouldn't give to just once walk that uneven path. Just once to not have to cut down an entire jungle to find my way in this life.

Composure

Composure.

I need to learn how to do that, compose myself and hold myself together.

I'm going to visit my brother's kids soon.

I don't mind the visiting part. I love spending time with them...

It's the after that I worry about.

I always walk away empty, hallow, with this vague knowledge of what I am missing, and it hurts.

Reminders

So, on the 28th it will have been ten years since my sister lost her baby. Amariah, lost at 42 weeks, silently born.

You know, my sister never did get a clear answer to why it happened.

They said maybe it was her Rh negative blood, maybe she has Lupus, maybe they waited to long to deliver and that if they had induced a weeks earlier she'd be fine. The doctors never told her, "Yes, THIS caused your baby to pass away." No, they juggled her around, told her one thing, then another.

I sent her a card to let her know I was thinking of her.
I said, "I know how hard this month must be for you." and I told her that I miss Amariah too.

I hope that gives her some small comfort,
knowing that someone else is remembering Amariah too.

She lives on the other side of the USA than I do, so I never get to see her. And I wasn't sure what else to do, and I really wanted to do something. So I hope this is something.

Check

I got my prescription of Metformin filled today.

I took the first dose earlier... and other than a little intestinal issues I feel great. I'm not to worried about the intestinal issues right now. I get those off and on, my body freaks out sometimes. Seriously. When I get too stressed out I get physically ill. I don't think that's normal, but it is for me, soooo. The intestinal issues the Met is causing is very similar to my bodies induced discomforts, so I am thinking that I can handle it. We shall see.

Just thought I'd share this: I just jumped and gasped while typing this because one of my cats walked up behind me and started licking my leg for no apparent reason. What a little oddball.
Do your pets ever do weird things like that? Or is it just mine?

Maybe, maybe not.

So I got a "borderline" PCOS diagnosis. My doctor prefers to see a LH:FSH ratio of 3:1 as opposed to my 2:1 for an official diagnosis. Oh well. He prescribed me the Metformin, so I am okay with the "borderline" diagnosis. As long as we are treating it as PCOS I am satisfied.

I am going to wait a few more weeks to see if I Ov. I am on CD20 now.

So much fun.


I am feeling blah, and a little sad.
An old friend of mine (Who I haven't spoken to in 5 years) recently lost his little brother and sister in a car crash. They were 18 and 21.
I can't begin to imagine how painful this must be for him and his family.

I just feel so bad for them.

I saw in the obituary that this particular person I used to be good friends with has a 2 year old little girl. I can't even picture this guy as an adult, let alone a father.

It's strange how life passes us by. In our minds we like to picture that everything stays the same. We can see the school, it's concrete exterior, it's faded linoleum halls. We see the teachers all stuck in time, our friends in amber. But time never stands still. All the while we are imaging that it does, it's actually buffeting around us, a whirl wind. Neither the building, the people, or ourselves stay in this place. We all change, our world shapes us. We don't even put a dent in it, but it can change us down into our core.

Life is so strange.

Ack

So I set up an appointment with my doctor to discuss the possible PCOS.
And hopefully will either get tested for insulin resistance, or be given Metformin without testing.
I don't know, but something at least I hope.

If he says no, well... I will be doctor shopping. Oh how fun.

My ovaries have been tender for the past couple of days, but no ovulation. No temp rise, no positive OPKs, no nothing. I'm on CD19 (oh boy, how fun).

I wonder what's up with that.

Last cycle I had some mild ovary discomfort as well, but no ovulation. So... who knows. Maybe nothing is going to happen, just like last time.

But boy are my ovaries kicking.

Fun fun funnity fun.
Stupid ovaries.

Hello, Ovaries?

Dear Ovaries,

I have found myself talking to you of late. Sometimes I wonder if you're alive, awake, insane; if you are spiteful vengeful bitches.

What have you been up to the last few days? You've been making me uncomfortable, a little sore, a little angry. Are you pulling my chain like you did last cycle, where you felt like you were going to do something- and then didn't. Or are you really going to obey me this time, and stop making me punish you with the Clomid? Because if I have to spank you with the Clomid again, I will.

You don't really want more of the Clomid- do you?
Cause I know I don't.

Why I think I have PCOS, and my doctors are butt munches.

A history of my craptastic reproductive history:

I started having periods at 15, at random intervals.
They were heavy, clotty, and sooo random.
I mean every couple of months random.

I started gaining weight at 16, rapidly. In my midsection mostly. Not my thighs, butt, or arms/legs. Nope, my belly got huge.

I started growing unwanted hair at 16. Facial hair, on my toes, etc... Very annoying. By the time I was a high school senior I was the only 17 year old girl I knew with a mustache.

I started getting 'bacne', plus acne on other parts of my body.

I started growing skin tags.

My period started taking longer intervals of absence.

BCP solved all my problems.

I go off BCP, and suddenly AF is all over the place again within a few cycles.
Then she disappears completely.

I do research, think I may have PCOS.

I go to doctor, stop TTC (Not like I was really trying, I was just feeding my own delusions.) I go on BCP for a few cycles. This doctor suggests I have PCOS based on my appearance, she has PCOS and is familiar with the signs.

I've been treating my problem as if it is PCOS since then, because it fits the glove.

I have been anovulatory for 1 year and 1 month by the time I magically ovulate after stopping BCP. It always regulates me for one to two cycles coming off of it.

I get pregnant at this time, and miscarry.

I go on with being anovulatory.

Get infertility blood work with a new doctor, find out my FSH at 5.4 and my LH at 11.2. Hmmm.

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Here, I'll lay out my results, in case someone with more knowledge than me would like to analyze and relay their findings to me:

LH-11.2 (Seems high, especially compared to the FSH.)
FSH-5.4
T4-0.8 (This seems on the low side.)
TSH-2.37
Prolactin-10.8
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Yet I am not "officially" diagnosised with PCOS.
I am not "officially" diagnosised with anything except infertility.
Have not been checked for insulin resistance, but sure plan on doing it soon.

My new doctor fails to mention his concerns of PCOS with me.

So I had one that wanted to write it off as PCOS without testing, and another who wants to test for stuff but not write it off as anything?

I am on my second round of Clomid.
Didn't respond to 50mg. I'm on CD17 and haven't responded to 100mg yet.
Fun fun.

Next step, a new doctor?
Maybe more Clomid, maybe Femara.
Maybe Metformin.
Who knows.

Maybe the 100mg will work and I'll ovulate, get pregnant, and not have to worry about it all... HA ha ha ha. Good joke, I know.

You know what else I know?
Doctors are butt muches.

Thanks for nothing?

I had blood drawn at the beginning of June to check my hormone levels.
Yesterday I found out that the lab never sent my results to my doctor.
Go figure.

So, after all that my doctor gets the results. They tell me that the results are all "normal." I request copies for my own records.

I get my hands on them...
and my LH is a little high, especially in comparison to my FSH.
This points to possible PCOS (Which I have already been told I may have. So this further says, "Hey, this could explain everything.")
The doctor put "?PCOS" by my LH results.

That's it.

Maybe I need a new doctor.

I mean, I'm on Clomid so that would be one of the first steps if I have PCOS anyways. So I don't feel like I've lost time in my treatment, but I don't understand why my doctor can't be more forthcoming. Why can't he just say, "This does seem a little off." and finish diagnosing me. My insurance covers diagnosis, just not treatment.

Yeah... might just need another doctor.

Show and Tell

I've saw other people's show and tells before, but never participated... so I am going to give it a try right now. Curious about show and tell? Check out this blog.

I lost my baby in May, I had a really hard time dealing with it. It took me a year to get that positive pregnancy test, and a week to lose it. I shut off, I broke down.

A few weeks later we found out my grandmother's cancer had come back in the form of a tumor next to her heart. They said she could live another year. A couple of days later I found out the cancer had also spread to her liver. They gave her a couple of months to live. The next day she was in a coma, a couple of days later she had passed from this world.

The month started out with me losing my child, and ended with me losing my grandmother.
I was hysterical at the end of the month. I was screaming at god, "Please, please! Why can't this month end. I don't want to lose anyone else, why can't it just end."

I was getting scared that it wouldn't end.

I bought a tree in memory of my baby, my lost one. At my grandmother's funeral I was given a lily plant, from her service. I planted the tree, and a few weeks later the lily plant was still in it's pot. It was dying. The tree was dying. Their leaves were drying up, withering, falling off.

I was losing everything all over again.

I planted the lily with my tree, I figured if it was going to die it would go down fighting.

I would give it a chance.


And soon I found hope.



These leaves sprouted from the base of the tree.

And the lily plant perked right back up too.



If they're willing to keep fighting, so am I.

The waiting game

People trying to have a baby do nothing but wait.

I feel like I am always waiting, people with infertility have it bad. We are more focused on our cycles, we have them pegged down, we analyze, we have pills, blood tests, waiting, waiting, waiting.

I wait to start my provera to medicinally bring on a period because I don't do that on my own.
I wait to start my Clomid, because I can't ovulate on my own.
I wait to see if I respond to the Clomid.
I wait to get blood work to see if I responded.
I don't respond, then I get to wait for the provera to do it's thing so I can start it all over. If I do respond, well, that's fantastic. Then I have to wait to see if I caught the egg. I don't, then I start all over again. I do catch it... I wait around to either miscarry or carry to term. Always on my toes.

Currently I am waiting for ovulation, if it is going to happen.
I'm not optimistic.
Stupid ovaries. Why can't you do what you're told?

I called my doctors office today, I wanted copies of my medical records. I wanted to research what my lab results were from my infertility blood work. The doctor said he's call me if anything was off, and he never called back. So I was to assume that everything came back normal.
I called today and left a message asking them to call me back, and I told them what it was about.
They didn't call me back.

I was thinking yesterday, how can you have normal blood work and be anovulatory?
I just want to see the results to look them up online.
I mean... damn.
Guess I'll call them again on Monday.