Just like with V's pregnancy, I can't escape this pregnancy after loss brain. The day of an ultrasound? Oh, I'm okay. Peachy. Everything looks okay today.
It's the tomorrow you have to look out for.
I'm feeling pretty optimistic about things. And I hate that. I really do. Illogical, I know. I feel optimistic, then I worry and remind myself how much worse it would hurt to lose them now after allowing myself to believe they might make it. Even if just for a moment: just imagining a cute announcement, or hanging two little stockings next to ours (like we did with V while he was still on the inside). It's going to hurt if we lose them anyway, but how much worse after allowing myself to imagine them sticking around? Ugh. Stupid brain.
The next 12 days are going to take forever. This is why I wanted to wait to go in, when we would see more. When we would know more.
I can't stop worrying, or preparing for the worst... some people cope better going in believing, but not me. This is how I cope. I have to remind myself that nothing is set in stone. I don't think a lot of people get that. I have to keep myself grounded. I've been burned too many times before not to. Hopeful? That's fine. Optimistic, bordering on believing? Oh no, not cool. I know... I know...
One day at a time.
8 comments:
Thinking of you! Seriously, since you told us about the BFP, every day I say a little prayer for you and the babies. I know you're in the middle place between joy and pain and I'm here to be optimistic and think of you and all the goodness. :) Are there any good books that will help pass the time?? That's my best defense against reality..
I do have a few I could try diving into... I have a hard time focusing on them sometimes.
chants ..stick stick stick!!!! and hugs :)
I know dude. At least my ob and her staff are used to my Eeyore mentality by now. I say protect yourself. My POV is that I can't afford to break down because I have to children to take care of already. So I am kind of removed from it. I think I am also extremely disassociated because I have an anterior placenta again and I can't feel anything but at this point with James had been feeling movement for 2.5 weeks. You do what you have to do with the emotional resources you have. I like to watch stand up comedy when I can't focus. There's no plot so if you stop paying attention it doesn't matter.
How much longer until the ultrasound?
Rebecca, 11 more long days!
Thanks everyone. Hopefully I can find some good distractions...
Sending prayers your way! It is SO hard to move out of pregnancy after loss brain. With this pregnancy it took until 24 weeks to really believe it might actually be happening. Hoping you can find peace.
Oh how I know what you mean. Even now at 28 weeks, I get very apprehensive going into an appointment until they tell/show me that everything is okay with the babies. I have a feeling it will be that way until they are born and I get to hold them in my arms and not in my belly. Then it will be an entirely different set of worries! Lol. Congrats on your twins. I hope the u/s shows nothing but two healthy babies and continues to stay that way for an uneventfull pregnancy.
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