Saturday, November 23, 2013

Dreams and rememberings-

Four years ago today we lost our third pregnancy. That's when I just shut down because I didn't have anything left to give. I had known before we even got out the gates with that one, that it would end. It was still a heavy blow.

I went to sleep last night and woke up from a nightmare. I had went to my ultrasound and my old RE told me that the OHSS was worse. As we left I panicked and asked A about the babies. He said they had fetal poles, but no heart beats, and it looked good. I flipped the hell out, because at 7w4d they should have heart beats... and I knew they were gone.

Really subconscious? You couldn't let me just ignore everything until Monday?

Maybe I'm more worried than I let myself believe. Okay, so yeah I know I am. I can't bear the thought of losing them both, and losing one would be bad enough. What are the odds of them both being chromosomally abnormal though, right? Hopefully at least one is still in there. The idea of twins has already been firmly rooted in me, and the loss of one will mean not just mourning the baby lost but the possibility of a set and what that would have meant.

Two more days.

6 comments:

Celia said...

xo.

An Aspiring Mom-To-Be said...

Good thoughts sent your way. I know all the waiting is excruciating... Especially over an anniversary of a miscarriage. Hoping for good news on Monday.

Rebecca said...

Okay I must have totally missed your post where you said you were carrying two babies. Congratulations!

Melis.sa said...

Thinking of you!!

Celia said...

Breathe. This is different, you are different. Everything is different. I am praying for you.

jessiwallace said...

So sorry your brain is being a douche and causing bad dreams. That's not very nice. I hope it gets better soon. I cannot wait to hear what happens today (it is today, right?).