Sunday, November 3, 2013

Hanging in there-

So far I haven't had any bleeding or spotting... knock on wood, positive thoughts, prayers, chants, meditations, good juju vibes. We're 17dpo, or 4w3d right now. I started losing both the first and third pregnancies around 18-19dpo. The second I made it until around 5.5wks. I'll feel better if we get past those milestones, but getting there is the hard part. In my heart I can hope, but I can't believe. I'm clinging to my hope, trying to allow myself to day dream, to think about happy announcements (something I never got), and making my own maternity clothes, to hope that this time I'll have an easier time... no bed rest, no bleeding, and no loss. And most importantly, a new baby or babies to love on sometime next year.

For the most part I'm okay. Until I think of something, like how we're going to a niece's birthday party today... we were getting ready for a nephew's birthday party when my first one started. I don't want to go through that again, I don't want to go through that again, dear god I don't want to go through that again... Or I start cramping, which is totally normal in early pregnancy, but my mind shuts down and I decide I should just drink a ton of water and rest on the couch. Overall, I'm doing okay... I chase V a little less, and I haven't been cleaning as much, but I play with him, I get online, I spend time with A, we go about business as usual. I don't feel pregnant, but it's starting to sink in that, yeah, I am. And I don't know for how long: another day, a few weeks, or nine months? It's completely out of my control. Then I stop worrying about it because it really is completely out of my control. I'm doing literally everything I can, so what's the use of worrying?

Getting past the second loss milestone is going to be the hardest part for me. I just need to make it through about another week. Sounds so simple, right? What's a week?

For me, it's like climbing Mt. Everest. Some people make it look like the easiest thing in the world, but here I am freaking out over every step of the climb. Why is that small part so hard for me? We never really got an answer for that, and that adds to the anxiety.

After that we have the milestones from V's pregnancy, while successful terrifying in it's own right.

Always another milestone. Pregnancy after loss isn't easy, everything is shadowed by the past. This being my 5th pregnancy, it can't exist in it's own happy bubble, instead it shares it's existence with all that was and all that is. While different, and unique (no doubt) I could never shake the past.

I can't even seem to settle on a nickname. Part of me wants to call it my little blackbird (from one of my favorite Beatles songs) but part of me leans towards my nightingale.

When referring to it so far, all I can seem to say is, "I hope it's a keeper."

For now, I suppose I'll leave it at that.

1 comment:

Celia said...

I like blackbird. Nightingale is a lot of syllables. I cannot overstress how much the pregnancy with James healed us. With Peter I felt like my body was a bear trap and I wanted him OUT. It was so scary. A horrible miscarriage and then all of the problems with that pregnancy. I felt like I was getting slapped around.