Starting to get real-

My baseline appointment is on Monday... so 4 days from now. Time to break down my infertile-psychosis for you, because I need to lay it all out somewhere:

1) First worry? Gas prices. Yeah I'm worried how the government shutdown will affect the gas prices if this goes on for long. I already have to spend $20 on gas for one visit to the clinic- simply going there and back! Will it affect the gas prices? Maybe not. But I've seen them fluctuate a lot over smaller societal happenings, so I wouldn't bet against it. I may be a worry wort, but this has crossed my mind.

2) Second worry? When to stop my BCPs, and when/if I'll get the withdraw bleed. These pills say that some users won't get a withdraw bleed. I didn't get one with the Natizia before we began TTC again in February, although I did ovulate 14 days after stopping them. So, there is a chance I won't get a bleed, or it'll be late, or what if it comes after my scan and mid cycle, or... I don't know.  So far this pack I had one day of mid-cycle bleeding, and a couple days of spotting, which is a HUGE improvement over all the other brands! Which makes me think I might not get a bleed at the end of the pack.

I'm sure she can assess my lining if I don't get a bleed, so I don't think it'll be the end of the world- just another potential complication. I think I'm going to stop them tonight, with hopes of getting AF over the weekend, or at least being ready to go on Monday.

Okay, I think we need a brief intermission. Enjoy this photo of my dog hating the coat I made him:

3) Okay... what else... oh, my limited funds. I have enough money saved to do one cycle that mirrors my previous cycles. I already bought the Bravelle (5 boxes anyway), so those are ready to go. I have Crinone and I even have some Lovenox. However, I only have enough money for roughly 5 scans, one trigger, and one IUI. If I need more meds Dr. M mentioned she might be able to get me some samples, but there's no guarantee of that. If I need more scans, or more meds... well, we'll probably have to cancel, unless we can borrow the money or get an expedited loan (psshhh yeah right). We don't own credit cards because we don't use them, so this is one of those instances that could bite me in the butt. So, I have to go in Monday and lay all this out for Dr. M.

With V I had 4 scans, stimmed at 225iu for 4 days, dropped to 175iu for 3 days, then 50iu, and triggered. My third pregnancy I had 5 scans and stimmed at 225iu for 8 days straight though. I don't know how I'm going to respond- my response last time was a lot better for some reason, and we don't really know why. That's the thing about injects, you have more control but the cost is so hard to predict! I've stimmed for as little as 7 days, or as long as 25 (yeah, first cycle I stimmed until CD freakin' 28! I'm still bitter about that wasted cycle and all the wasted meds, can you tell?!)

Why does this all have to be so complicated? I know some women can get away with paying $1,000 (or less somehow) for an inject cycle, but mine cost anywhere from $2,500 to $3,500. Heck, could be even more than that... you never know. Definitely not less though. That's a lot of leeway and uncertainty. It makes planning hard, especially when you just want to get things underway.

Ugh. Yeah, we need another intermission. How about this? A photo of V as a newborn:

4) On to the next worry: overstimulation! When Dr. M looked at my chart we briefly went over my last cycle and she looked at my E2 and follicles and said it 'gave her heart palpitations'. She looked shocked. Obviously we were at risk for high order multiples- we know that- but I really don't think we were at that high of a risk, given my history. She wants to start us back at 225iu, which I want since we can't play around too much with lower doses given our limited funds. However, if this coming cycle goes like last time I'm worried she'll cancel me.

The other thing is that I'm 50lbs less than last time. Which my infertility isn't dependent on weight, as I still didn't get regular cycles even at a healthy BMI, I was hoping it would help me respond to treatments. I just hope it doesn't make me respond too well. I just want to find the happy median, is that too much to ask? It might be.

5) Not related to TTC, so a random everyday intermission/worry, but I decided to try bangs out again. WHY DID I DO THAT?! I seriously had bangs all through high school and grew to hate them, and then it took me an ENTIRE year to grow them out. I really don't know what got into me, I just wanted to try something new so I started cutting. Bangs, for me, are something that always sounds good in theory but never in practice. I'll have to wait for it to dry to figure out how it looks, but I might need my hairstylist to rescue me from myself before this is over.

6) I haven't been feeling well, liken I have some sinus congestion and a ton of pressure. I'm really hoping it's just allergies or something stupid, because it feels like a sinus infection and that would be no good right now. I've never had good cycles when I was sick, I either didn't get pregnant or my luteal phase would be shorter than normal, it's just never a good combo. I don't want to be sick and lay all this money down, then blame myself for moving forward when I already felt it was doomed.

Yes, I am all doom and gloom. Sorry! It's ingrained. Call it pessimism, self preservation, blame it on my depression and anxiety issues... it's just how I'm wired. Which is why I'm letting it all hang out here. None of this is easy regardless of how I feel about it. It's complicated, it's a major gamble, an expensive risk, a fleeting hope... it's the reality of the situation.

My husband, A, is much more laid back. I tell him all this and he says, "There isn't anything else we can do, so why worry? It's out of our hands." Ahhh, yeah. That is true.

But I'm just gonna worry anyway, and plan for every single possible (no matter how improbable) possibility anyway, because that's how I am. I have very little control over how things go down, but at least I can prepare for them.

That's one of the things I hate the most about all this, and I always have: How very little control we really have. How everything comes down to dollars and cents, available options and what we can consent to, never what we need or what we want. And then, we don't have control over how we respond, how things turn out, whether it'll work or not. I don't like feeling helpless. I don't like having such a natural, personal decision- expanding my family- taken almost completely out of my hands.

This is the hand we were dealt though, so we better make the best of it.

I'll prepare for the worst, and continuing hoping for the best. And right now I'm hoping that Monday goes smoother than anticipated.