Tuesday, October 29, 2013
I keep going between several emotions/worries.
Part of me worries this will end in another miscarriage. I mean, look at my track record. So far things are going well though: no spotting, no major pains, the lines are even nice and dark. But sometimes things are too good to be true, and I know that too.
Part of me thinks this is going to be okay. That since V worked well, we seemed to have a winning combination, that maybe we can repeat that. Since having him I know that it's possible, but that doesn't mean the same as probable. I feel like I'm being overly optimistic sometimes, like I actually think this could be a take home baby. Then I feel stupid, because I know I shouldn't get my hopes up. I know that the first trimester has always proven to be the hardest part of all this.
Mostly I just feel detached. I don't feel pregnant. It doesn't seem real. And I'm okay with staying here for awhile, in this place of disconnect. It sure beats worrying or making plans that may never come to fruit. I know it's early and that it's normal to feel disconnected, but this is stronger than that. This is where my losses come in. This is where I can't feel joy, or excitement. My hands shook when I handed my husband the test, and I said, "Looks like I'm starting my Lovenox tonight." No talk about having a baby, no talk of how he's going to be a daddy again, or I a mommy. I guess the fear just makes me go numb. My walls of self protection construct themselves quickly, efficiently, after much practice.
So I'll stay here, waiting and hoping.