Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Sinking in-

12 days past ovulation now, and the test was still positive. There really isn't much point in continuing to check, but I need too. I'm waiting until tomorrow to call the clinic for a blood draw. I am technically 14 days out from my HCG trigger now, so they shouldn't have a problem with doing it now... but I'll just wait a day. The only thing getting a beta right now would do is get them to prescribe me Lovenox, but I already have some here at home. I've also got Crinone to hold me over. Maybe I'm just putting it off because I like being ambivalent to things right now.

I did start my Lovenox last night though. I braced myself for the familiar burn, and surprisingly felt nothing until the very end. Then it burned for a bit after. I do have a tiny red mark where I injected, but no big deal. At least it doesn't feel bruised and look terrible. May the rest of my injections go so smoothly.

I keep going between several emotions/worries.

Part of me worries this will end in another miscarriage. I mean, look at my track record. So far things are going well though: no spotting, no major pains, the lines are even nice and dark. But sometimes things are too good to be true, and I know that too.

Part of me thinks this is going to be okay. That since V worked well, we seemed to have a winning combination, that maybe we can repeat that. Since having him I know that it's possible, but that doesn't mean the same as probable. I feel like I'm being overly optimistic sometimes, like I actually think this could be a take home baby. Then I feel stupid, because I know I shouldn't get my hopes up. I know that the first trimester has always proven to be the hardest part of all this.

Mostly I just feel detached. I don't feel pregnant. It doesn't seem real. And I'm okay with staying here for awhile, in this place of disconnect. It sure beats worrying or making plans that may never come to fruit. I know it's early and that it's normal to feel disconnected, but this is stronger than that. This is where my losses come in. This is where I can't feel joy, or excitement. My hands shook when I handed my husband the test, and I said, "Looks like I'm starting my Lovenox tonight." No talk about having a baby, no talk of how he's going to be a daddy again, or I a mommy. I guess the fear just makes me go numb. My walls of self protection construct themselves quickly, efficiently, after much practice.

So I'll stay here, waiting and hoping.


Anonymous said...

If I could give you a big hug right now I SO would!! I hope your body remembers how to keep the baby in and keeps it!! I have a beta today, expecting a BFN.

Melis.sa said...

Thinking of you.

I felt very detached while pregnant with M. It's still surreal to me. I think I'd rather be detached than anxious which is how my pregnancy with C was. I think having had losses it's a million times harder to accept it may go well :)

Do I Have to Be a D.I.N.K.? said...

What a wonderful sight! Congrats and try to enjoy!

Celia said...

I never allowed myself to be attached to Peter or James until after they were born. It was too scary. I never wanted to be as hurt as I was the first time. I would hug you too, and then feed you warm cookies.

AnotherDreamer said...

Thanks again ladies. I appreciate all the support and understanding- more than I can say!

Shannon Ivy said...

I really hope everything goes smoothly with this pregnancy. (And congrats!) Thoughts and prayers are with yal!

Glass Case of Emotion said...

Sending you lots of good thoughts!!!

Rebecca said...

Hopeful that this wee one won't be difficult.

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh! squeeeee! (I did small letters so we don't scare it away) I'm so, so, so happy for you guys! I can't wait to hear giant happy beta numbers!!!

The costumes are adorable!!! You are so creative! Take lots of pics! :)

Sorry about the sick, too. :( Seems like it's going around! Even in the blogosphere! Toddlers and mommys everywhere have the crud. Hopefully everyone will be perked back up for Halloween!