Monday, May 20, 2013

That's a negatve, Captain-

*sigh* Negative this morning. I know it's still early, but I feel pretty despondent. I got out for a walk, bought a consolation iced mocha, now I'm trying to chill at home. It's so hot out right now.

We aren't doing another medicated cycle right now, it's just not in the cards. I can't afford to have more testing done, because our insurance won't cover anything. *I'm going to call my clinic and ask how the SHG would be coded anyway though. Just in case it's not coded as infertility. Not holding my breath. I don't know what to do, or what's going on. I feel at a loss. We did the deed every day during the fertile period the last 4 cycles, so there's no timing issues. I took all precautions I could with the added estrogen and everything else. We had follicles, we triggered, we did progesterone, my TSH is under control... And yet, nothing is happening. I know 4 cycles is just a drop of water in the ocean, but it makes me wonder if we're missing something. If something has changed since my c-section. If something has changed on A's side of things.

I wish infertility didn't have to be so demanding. That so much didn't hinge on financing. I want to have another child, not a mansion or a fancy car, I don't feel like I'm asking for much. I know that I'm extremely fortunate to have V, that there are some women who will never get one child, and I know how close we came to that ourselves. V is our lucky fluke. Who knows if everything will ever align just right again?

I hate knowing what we need to do, and not being able to do it. I know we should re-do all our testing, but we can't afford it. I know we should have jumped right back into injects, but we can't afford that. I would move on to adoption if we could, but I've never had that kind of capital in my life. I hate feeling like I have to pay for the right to have a child. It's like I'm standing in line and someone is just passing out kids, but when my turn comes up they tell me "Okay, that'll be $3,000. And then we'll give you one ticket for the raffle, where you'll have a 25% chance of winning." Except I don't have $3,000, so all I can do is shake my head and slowly walk away.

**ETA: Called the clinic, and I'll need another consult to check on coding and what testing we should get done. The nurse said that it would be coded as diagnostic and not infertility, but that's no help when it comes to checking with my insurance. She said we'd have to get a consult and see what Dr. M says. She's out for the next two weeks though, and I'm in no hurry. We'll just wait until later this summer for the consult and testing I guess.


MrsSpock said...

I POAS at 10dpo this round and it was negative, but positive on day 13 with good high beta.

Rebecca said...

Sweetie I really no how you feel. I have to save up to try again if try again after the WTF appt.

Celia said...

It's always about money. We will be "paying" for our infertility for years because we had to buy a house that we could afford while laying out all that money and worrying about how much we would spend int he future. And now we are stuck here. And it is a horrible house to raise children in, as far as safe places for them to play. And we are stuck here because of the market. And we can't risk our money that we need for our actual children to roll the dice on maybepossiblybutwhoreallyknows. Thank God we got lucky the second time because we could have afforded maybe one cycle a year and I am almost 39. So we all know I might as well have set fire to our money.