Well, I guess it should say, "Why I shouldn't make plans..."
In my life making plans has been like locking the door to bar depression, while secretly opening a window for disappointment. As much as it makes me feel like I am doing something proactive, I am actually damning myself.
At least, it feels that way.
I had planned on getting my visit from mother nature between the tenth and the fifteenth. My body had other plans, and thought yesterday would be a good day to stomp all over my plans.
Why did I plan that specific timing? Well, first my work schedule, then because of when my husband and I get paid, and of course more time to prepare and be at the ready for this coming cycle. Now, I don't know if there is going to be a this cycle- that's what I get for planning.
I have yet to have my blood work back, I still need some drawn on cycle day three when I get a baseline (Which, oh by the way is a Holiday, and I still don't know if the REs office is open.) I still need to have some prescriptions filled, and I am just freaking out a little right now.
It feels like I was shot down before I even began. Granted, I may still be able to move on with this cycle... but I am not very hopeful at this point. Maybe I'm having a bad day- or maybe the universe is out to get me. Either way, I feel stupid.
Why make plans? It feels good to have a heading, but when you get lost at take off... it's not so good.
I'm spinning in circles, I'm getting dizzy. Where there was once possible hope (what a demon bitch) there is now a crushing weight. I hope (gah!) we still move on with this cycle, even if we don't use my leftover medications... because all I want is to have the chance to ovulate.
I'm not even asking to ovulate, I just want a chance at it. Cycle after cycle after cycle of not ovulating takes it's toll on a person, it's a destitute kind of hopelessness. It's like knowing month after month, that there is nothing- nothing- you can do. Except save money, save money, and keep looking at all options. But nothing gets you closer to what you want. Small increments of money here and there, but it feels like nothing. There is no proof that you are getting anywhere, because it's just a drop in the bucket.
I guess I'll wake up first thing tomorrow, and give them a call. Maybe they'll be open, maybe they won't. Maybe we will get to use the leftover injectables, maybe we won't.
Maybe, maybe, maybe. I am so sick of maybes.