Progress-

I was so anxious in the waiting room I almost threw up. It wasn't pretty.

My RE had a hard time finding the second one because of the angle and positioning, I was really happy that the one was growing but starting to panic that the other one wasn't in there anymore. It was, it's just really good at hiding! So the photos aren't that great and we had a really hard time seeing them both., BUT they are both still there and appear to be on track. Both had heart beats.

Huge sigh of relief.

I go back in two more weeks. Really hoping they both keep growing and I don't develop a SCH in the meantime. I'm 7w4d today, and I was 8.5wks when I developed one with V. I really really hope nothing happens next week.

One day at a time!

Dreams and rememberings-

Four years ago today we lost our third pregnancy. That's when I just shut down because I didn't have anything left to give. I had known before we even got out the gates with that one, that it would end. It was still a heavy blow.

I went to sleep last night and woke up from a nightmare. I had went to my ultrasound and my old RE told me that the OHSS was worse. As we left I panicked and asked A about the babies. He said they had fetal poles, but no heart beats, and it looked good. I flipped the hell out, because at 7w4d they should have heart beats... and I knew they were gone.

Really subconscious? You couldn't let me just ignore everything until Monday?

Maybe I'm more worried than I let myself believe. Okay, so yeah I know I am. I can't bear the thought of losing them both, and losing one would be bad enough. What are the odds of them both being chromosomally abnormal though, right? Hopefully at least one is still in there. The idea of twins has already been firmly rooted in me, and the loss of one will mean not just mourning the baby lost but the possibility of a set and what that would have meant.

Two more days.

Realization-

I just realized my ultrasound to check viability is the Monday before Thanksgiving.

We confirmed my third miscarriage the Monday before Thanksgiving in 2009.

Yeah, that's not exactly the most relieving realization.

These next three days need to hurry up, I need to get this over with before I start to lose it. I'm still doing pretty well coping with detachment, because frankly it still doesn't seem real, but I'm starting to get a little panicky now.

Still no spotting or bleeding. Symptoms come and go. Some cramping, and I did overdo it a little yesterday at a holiday Christmas light show, but I made sure to take frequent breaks so that shouldn't have been out of my realm of physical capabilities. I think the OHSS is starting to subside a little because I don't get as excruciating pain when my bladder is full. I'm sick of drinking Gatorade. I'm sure my ovaries are still huge though by the pulling/tugging I get if I'm not careful enough.

I just want to see what's going on. I hate being in the dark like this, waiting to see if things are going to fall apart or come together. This really is the hardest part for me.

Still here-

I'm still here and as far as I know everything is still okay. No spotting or bleeding, a new pregnancy symptom, cramping off and on, just waiting it out until the next appointment.

Maybe once a day I allow myself a little freak out. Mostly I just let myself forget I'm pregnant and live in denial... it's a lot easier that way. I am worried that we'll go in Monday and find that either one or both are no longer growing, either scenario is pretty crappy- I'd much rather go in and find them both thriving.

These two weeks have been incredibly slow.

I have a few plans over the next couple days, so I'm hoping that they'll help make the time go faster.

Four more days.

Lovenox and OHSS-

So my OHSS is pretty mild, but it sucks. I'm chugging Gatorade and trying to get plenty of protein. I'm trying to take it easy, but sometimes my ovaries get twisted the wrong way in their massive state which hurts and ques worries over ovarian torsion. Fun times. I'm bloated and it's tender, when I have to use the bathroom everything starts competing for space and it causes pain. I've gained 5lbs since trigger, but it looks like a hella lot more. I don't mind the appearance, let people think I've regressed on my weight loss (which I have, obviously) but my pants don't button. I could force them, but then we run into problem #2- My lovely Lovenox bruises. And I'd be in SO MUCH PAIN.

Liquid gold, but also torture in a syringe. The first few injections were easy enough but as the space has filled with bruises, needles don't want to go in, and increased sensitivity to everything that touches it... well, they haven't been going smoothly. Allow me to present exhibit A- I put my thumb there for scale reference. This baby is on the left side of my belly button, at the waistline... it's darker than in the photo, and yes... it hurts as bad as it looks.

Exhibit B- Here's what the other side looks like:

The things we do for love and hope.

Between these two issues though, I had to buy some more loose things to wear around the house. We hit up the thrift shop and I had no luck with stretchy skirts (winter anyway, brr) or pajama pants... so I said screw it and bought some maternity pants. The stretch is perfect for my tender belly. I got a few things, and was pretty happy about that. At the same time, I'm just over 6 weeks pregnant and I have in the back of my mind, "please don't let this jinx things." But damn, I can't go around with my pants held up with a hair tie- it still digs into my belly that way, it's just not as bad. I had to do something.

Here's to hoping I get to use them for the long haul, eh? And that this is all worth it in the end. Please please please... I hope the 25th comes here swiftly and brings good news with it.

echoing again-

Just like with V's pregnancy,  I can't escape this pregnancy after loss brain. The day of an ultrasound? Oh, I'm okay. Peachy. Everything looks okay today.

It's the tomorrow you have to look out for.

I'm feeling pretty optimistic about things. And I hate that. I really do. Illogical, I know. I feel optimistic, then I worry and remind myself how much worse it would hurt to lose them now after allowing myself to believe they might make it. Even if just for a moment: just imagining a cute announcement, or hanging two little stockings next to ours (like we did with V while he was still on the inside). It's going to hurt if we lose them anyway, but how much worse after allowing myself to imagine them sticking around? Ugh. Stupid brain.

The next 12 days are going to take forever. This is why I wanted to wait to go in, when we would see more. When we would know more.

I can't stop worrying, or preparing for the worst... some people cope better going in believing, but not me. This is how I cope. I have to remind myself that nothing is set in stone. I don't think a lot of people get that. I have to keep myself grounded. I've been burned too many times before not to. Hopeful? That's fine. Optimistic, bordering on believing? Oh no, not cool. I know... I know...

One day at a time.

5w4d

I guess I'll update after all...

Sooooo things looked good, aside from my ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome (OHSS). I have fluid in my abdomen and my ovaries were, um, huge. I've been told to take it easy, no exercise (haven't been), cautious if we chose to have intercourse (err, haven't been), and to just be careful overall. Already there because I suspected OHSS early on. The abdominal pain was debilitating at first, went away with the trigger, only to come back with implantation. OHSS is aggravated by the HCG hormone, so bells went off for me then. I've been taking it easy since before trigger because of my ovary size. So more resting and drinking lots of Gatorade for me... and off to research it more. Recommendations/experiences are welcome in the comments!

The OHSS has probably been made worse because this is a twin pregnancy. Yes, twins. There were two gestational sacs, and two yolk sacs. It was still too early for fetal poles or heart beats, but as of right now there are two and they're measuring on track. We were pretty relieved there weren't more in there, and overall pretty happy... I just hope they both make it! I'm still very worried about another loss. I did lose the second one at 5w5d, but at that point she didn't have a yolk sac so these two are doing much better already. I'm trying to stay positive.

I didn't get a copy of the ultrasound photos, and I forgot to take a photo of the screen. Oops! Next time I go in I'll ask for a copy.

I think the Inositol helped with my egg quality. I can't prove that, of course, but I feel like it did. I used it on both V's cycle and this one and both had pretty good results. I definitely recommend it for women with PCOS though... it certainly doesn't hurt, and could help.

So that's where things stand. I go back in two weeks for another check, and we should be 7w4d then... assuming we make it that far. Let's hope! I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

For now I'm pregnant... and I guess I have both a Blackbird and a Nightingale.

Insurance headaches

So, they lied to me in February. Or rather, misinformed me. The 8% Crinone is not covered with prior-authorization, the 4% is... and it does us no good. My clinic is currently trying to get Endometrin pushed through with prior-authorization. There are a few reasons I am not a happy camper about this. I don't really feel comfortable switching to this, I've never used it, I don't know how my body will process it. Furthermore, it's twice a day instead of once a day... which means it's not the same strength as the Crinone. I had told them that if we can't get Crinone, I'd rather switch to PIO injections... but they seem really against letting me do this. Why? I don't flippin know! but you better believe I'm bringing it to my doctor on Monday... assuming everything looks good on the ultrasound.

Depending on the tier of coverage (which I can not see on the website, because Endometrin just says "not covered") it would be way more expensive than PIO injections anyway. I don't know how strong Endometrin is, but I'd rather switch to something I know will work good than risk downgrading my progesterone and risking spotting, bleeding, or a miscarriage. Not to mention, what if I pay for this vaginal supp then start bleeding from a SCH- I'd then have to turn around and pay out the ass for PIO OOP and risk not having the money.

We're still waiting to see if I'll need prior-authorization for my Lovenox (generic) because I've talked to two reps now and they've given me conflicting stories. It looks like they might have quantities limited to 28 days for a month, then require prior-authorization for more. I don't know, and I just want to throw something because I am so frustrated and just so DONE with this insurance company.

My husband's work changed because this new insurance was "cheaper" well, I tell you what, it SHOWS.

I guess we'll know Monday what's going on. With, well, everything.

Five weeks... I guess?

Well if things are still growing in there, I should be five weeks pregnant today. I've been pretty crampy off and on, but still no spotting or bleeding. Hoping that's a good sign! I've had a little nausea the last couple of nights too.

The closer we get to the ultrasound the more anxious I'm getting. I hate getting early ultrasounds, I'm always afraid to look. I mean they are amazing (when things are where they should be) but it's so overwhelming. I can't ever decide where to look first... away or at the screen. I usually just want to run out of the room and say forget it.

I have a nagging fear over Monday: I go between worrying that there won't be anything in there, to that there will be too many in there.

I don't know if I'm going to update right away. I may want to take a little time to process things, good or bad. I don't know. Please don't freak out if I don't update right away... I'm looking at you Celia, I know you've been watching like a hawk! I'll probably update when I get home, I can't seem to stay away from here, but in case I don't... please, please have patience.

Updates-

It looks like I'm keeping my appointment, they were pretty adamant about that. It'll actually be 5w4d, which is one day before things went south with my second pregnancy... so maybe it's just as well we're going in then.

My thyroid stimulating hormone (TSH) has already went wonky this pregnancy, so my dose of Synthroid needs increased. I should start the higher dose tomorrow, I was on 50mcg but we're upping it to 75mcg. My level was 3-5 pre-pregnancy, while on Synthroid and trying to conceive it was around 1.4, and now it's back up to 2.98. Hopefully we can get that under control without issue.

I started the prior-authorization process for my progesterone. Let's hope they approve it! Otherwise I'm switching from Crinone to Progesterone in Oil (PIO) and I'll have to pay OOP. I don't see why they wouldn't, but my insurance is insufferable so they probably will.

4w4d now and still no spotting/bleeding, just cramping and the same abdominal discomfort. I've gained some weight because I haven't been working out, and I've been eating terrible... some of my pants are tighter, which is bad because I have a few bruises from my Lovenox already, plus the abdominal discomfort. I really just want to lounge around the house in pajama pants right now.

I started getting bad anxiety about things last night. I feel a little better today. I just miss how zen I was a few days ago. I think there's just too many triggers, events coinciding. Like the birthday party last night, or the one coming up... we have one the day before my ultrasound, for a nephew, and it was his brother's party we were getting ready for as I started to lose the first one. I'm at the same stage today as I was when I lost the first and third ones. Just... a lot of reminders I guess... that this may very well be temporary.

Hang in there kid(s).

Hanging in there-

So far I haven't had any bleeding or spotting... knock on wood, positive thoughts, prayers, chants, meditations, good juju vibes. We're 17dpo, or 4w3d right now. I started losing both the first and third pregnancies around 18-19dpo. The second I made it until around 5.5wks. I'll feel better if we get past those milestones, but getting there is the hard part. In my heart I can hope, but I can't believe. I'm clinging to my hope, trying to allow myself to day dream, to think about happy announcements (something I never got), and making my own maternity clothes, to hope that this time I'll have an easier time... no bed rest, no bleeding, and no loss. And most importantly, a new baby or babies to love on sometime next year.

For the most part I'm okay. Until I think of something, like how we're going to a niece's birthday party today... we were getting ready for a nephew's birthday party when my first one started. I don't want to go through that again, I don't want to go through that again, dear god I don't want to go through that again... Or I start cramping, which is totally normal in early pregnancy, but my mind shuts down and I decide I should just drink a ton of water and rest on the couch. Overall, I'm doing okay... I chase V a little less, and I haven't been cleaning as much, but I play with him, I get online, I spend time with A, we go about business as usual. I don't feel pregnant, but it's starting to sink in that, yeah, I am. And I don't know for how long: another day, a few weeks, or nine months? It's completely out of my control. Then I stop worrying about it because it really is completely out of my control. I'm doing literally everything I can, so what's the use of worrying?

Getting past the second loss milestone is going to be the hardest part for me. I just need to make it through about another week. Sounds so simple, right? What's a week?

For me, it's like climbing Mt. Everest. Some people make it look like the easiest thing in the world, but here I am freaking out over every step of the climb. Why is that small part so hard for me? We never really got an answer for that, and that adds to the anxiety.

After that we have the milestones from V's pregnancy, while successful terrifying in it's own right.

Always another milestone. Pregnancy after loss isn't easy, everything is shadowed by the past. This being my 5th pregnancy, it can't exist in it's own happy bubble, instead it shares it's existence with all that was and all that is. While different, and unique (no doubt) I could never shake the past.

I can't even seem to settle on a nickname. Part of me wants to call it my little blackbird (from one of my favorite Beatles songs) but part of me leans towards my nightingale.

When referring to it so far, all I can seem to say is, "I hope it's a keeper."

For now, I suppose I'll leave it at that.

Second beta-

Doubling time of 44.3 hours, it went from 260 to 551. That is excellent! Not a guarantee of viability, but we are definitely off to a good start. Hoping so so so much that nothing happens.

They scheduled me for an ultrasound at 5w4d, which is too early to see much. I may call back to reschedule for a week later. While I would love to see what's going on, and the wait for the scan is going to kill me, but I'd really rather see more. Plus I would like to pay for less ultrasounds, my co-pay with them through the fertility clinic is ridiculous. I don't know. On one hand, I'm anxious. On the other, I'd really like to wait it out. Ugh. I have time to change my mind. I don't even know if we'll make it that far, so I am just going to wait and see, then think about it some more.

I'll have to start the pre-authorization process for my progesteone soon, since it could take a week or more. They told me I shouldn't need authorization for the Lovenox, but it had a clause that said for some doses you do... so who knows. I have Lovenox and Crinone to get me through a few weeks, but it's probably better to get that ball rolling and see what kind of crap my insurance is going to pull. Because, with this new insurance, I can usually count on them pulling something.

So... yeah. So far so good. Hoping hoping hoping the future holds more of the same.
Hanging in there.