Happy Halloween!

I finished our costumes and tried to take some photos. I know I already showed off and described some of the work, but here's a final recap!

First, allow me to introduce to you... THE TENTH DOCTOR.

Allons-y!

This shot was just perfect, I loved it. He was chasing me around trying to poke my sensor balls and the camera with his sonic screwdriver. Ahhhh!

The costume inspirations came both from my love of Doctor Who, and the way we always jokingly refer to V as our little tenth Doctor. He plays with his hair all the time, and always has it sticking up ridiculous. Doesn't matter if I brush it, he likes to toy with that mess. He also gets the weirdest most intense facial expressions.

So I took a thrift store coat, and suit, then loosely followed patterns until I got them down to toddler size. It was a nightmare. No lie. My motto has been, "Costumes just need to look good from a distance." And I lived by it.

I bought the sonic screwdriver torch new, and the shoes... but he is totally wearing them all the time now. He really loves playing with the screwdriver. I didn't take a new picture of his cyberman bucket because while cute, it did not withstand a night of begging at the zoo. I used spray paint on hand to paint it silver, and it would have been better to have used something that adhered to plastic better. The paint was chipping off all over, so that sucked! It also got a hole in the bottom by the end of the night. Oh well, it was cute for photos while it lasted! He has a regular jack-o-lantern now and he loves that thing.

Okay, next... me! EXTERMINATE! Or rather, FEMMINATE!

I made the dress from a pattern and re-purposed the hat from one my mother found at a yard sale. Sensors are clear plastic Christmas ornaments spray painted (on the inside) and sewed on. I actually broke one at the zoo starting the car up... sad. I should have took the dress off first, I had a shirt and pants under it and did that for the drive anyway. Ugh. It was cold though and I wanted to start getting it warmed up as quickly as possible. I have spares, so I can fix it at least.

I only wore the shoes for the photo and effect, I can't wear those things anymore with my heel issues (only sneakers with insoles for me, I'm afraid.) Not as pretty as these babies though! I had the cardigan and gloves already, and got the pants because I wanted leggings. The weather here is unstable at this time of year anyway, so it worked out well! The black trim at the bottom of the dress is actually for inserting the hula hoop for a hoop skirt, which is way more Dalek-esque, but I forgot to grab it for the photos! Oops!

This is my husband as the 4th Doctor. Much simpler! A thrift store outfit, hat and wig too, then hot glued the wig to the hat all cut up for better fit... it worked! We already had the scarf since I bought it for him as a birthday present. 

All in all, everything was a pain in the ass (for sure) but soooo worth it. I doubt I could do this every year, but I at least got to do it this once... and that is awesome. I had fun, I love how everything turned out, and I made a wonderful memory.

Tests and results-

The test was still pretty positive today, at 13 days past ovulation. Every time I take a test, I expect it to come back negative. I expect the previous ones to be lies, or to have lost this little one, and that's that. Even if I did lose it, I'm sure it wouldn't just turn negative like that... that's just my history borrowing worry.

I got in for my beta today and it went better than expected; it was 260.

Let me put that into perspective:
- At 14dpo with my second pregnancy, my beta was 147.
- At 13dpo with the third pregnancy, my beta was 30.
- At 13dpo with V's pregnancy, my beta was 72. It wasn't even up to 185 until 17dpo.

So... freakishly better than expected.

I go back Friday for another beta, and will hopefully get the results back the same day.

My Lovenox has started to burn more and leave a bit of bruising. I'm still having abdominal discomfort and issues with my ovaries pulling or whatever it is they're doing in there. It's not too bad, but I'm going to try and take it easy just the same.

Sinking in-

12 days past ovulation now, and the test was still positive. There really isn't much point in continuing to check, but I need too. I'm waiting until tomorrow to call the clinic for a blood draw. I am technically 14 days out from my HCG trigger now, so they shouldn't have a problem with doing it now... but I'll just wait a day. The only thing getting a beta right now would do is get them to prescribe me Lovenox, but I already have some here at home. I've also got Crinone to hold me over. Maybe I'm just putting it off because I like being ambivalent to things right now.

I did start my Lovenox last night though. I braced myself for the familiar burn, and surprisingly felt nothing until the very end. Then it burned for a bit after. I do have a tiny red mark where I injected, but no big deal. At least it doesn't feel bruised and look terrible. May the rest of my injections go so smoothly.

I keep going between several emotions/worries.

Part of me worries this will end in another miscarriage. I mean, look at my track record. So far things are going well though: no spotting, no major pains, the lines are even nice and dark. But sometimes things are too good to be true, and I know that too.

Part of me thinks this is going to be okay. That since V worked well, we seemed to have a winning combination, that maybe we can repeat that. Since having him I know that it's possible, but that doesn't mean the same as probable. I feel like I'm being overly optimistic sometimes, like I actually think this could be a take home baby. Then I feel stupid, because I know I shouldn't get my hopes up. I know that the first trimester has always proven to be the hardest part of all this.

Mostly I just feel detached. I don't feel pregnant. It doesn't seem real. And I'm okay with staying here for awhile, in this place of disconnect. It sure beats worrying or making plans that may never come to fruit. I know it's early and that it's normal to feel disconnected, but this is stronger than that. This is where my losses come in. This is where I can't feel joy, or excitement. My hands shook when I handed my husband the test, and I said, "Looks like I'm starting my Lovenox tonight." No talk about having a baby, no talk of how he's going to be a daddy again, or I a mommy. I guess the fear just makes me go numb. My walls of self protection construct themselves quickly, efficiently, after much practice.

So I'll stay here, waiting and hoping.

11dpo

Looks like I'll be starting Lovenox tonight. I had gotten some positives on Wondfo for a couple days, but it was always way after the time limit and they're known for bad evaporation lines so I couldn't trust them. Maybe they were right.

Will call for a beta in a day or two. They won't let me come in until 14 days past trigger anyway.

Really really hoping that I don't lose this one too.

Update, sort of-

So I still a cold obviously, you know... pfft to that. But I'm starting to have some abdominal discomfort again too, whenever I sit/get up, which is unusual- with V's cycle it went away after a few days and didn't come back. But I also had complete corpus luteum and progesterone failure with him, despite having had 6-7 mature follicles. Maybe it was system overload. This time I had 3 for sure mature, and 3 14s that could have caught up by trigger (but no way to know), plus lots of itty bitties. My ovaries are probably still pretty ginormous. I'm still having tugging/pulling feelings from down there when I move certain ways, especially when I blow my nose. Even if I don't get pregnant, I assume I'm going to have large cysts afterward like I do on most injectable medication cycles. 8dpo now, so it won't be much longer. I already checked and the trigger is out of my system.

V is still pretty sick. He had started sleeping better, but last night was a total failure. Poor kid. I was really wanting to take him back to the zoo for their Halloween thing again, he really loved all the jack-o-lanterns, plus this is the absolute last weekend for their dinosaur exhibit; he really loved it. Last weekend he kept yelling, "Dino," and pointing them out, roaring... it was great. At least we went last weekend before he got sick. It's probably why he got sick anyway, ha.


Our costumes are DONE. Well, done enough... or should I say that I am done messing with then? I will post a photo once we all get dressed up. V is really opposed to me putting anything on him, even the coat! No idea why, I put coats and stuff on him all the time. It's like he knows I want it, so he doesn't- toddler retaliation at it's finest. I'll get him eventually, trick or treat is almost upon us! I think they all turned out pretty good. I just have one final thing I want to do to my hat, and if I can't make it happen... well, I'll live. I'll just be a little bummed out!

Blech-

It's been a rough few days around here. V caught a cold, so he wasn't sleeping, still isn't eating the best, and of course I caught it. It was only a matter of time considering the little guy is always sharing my water, or food, or giving me sloppy kisses on the mouth- so anytime he's sick, so am I. Really hoping we all feel better soon. And of course that it won't interfere with things this cycle. I think V is already starting to feel better, so that's something.

Four days until I start testing.

Geekery ahead- Costume Updates

Welcome to my Doctor Who themed Halloween Geekfest!

I've been working on our Halloween costumes and having a ton of issues with V's. You'd think having him go at the 10th Doctor would be easy, but alas... it's not. I have to work on the suit today, and finish the coat. The coat looks alright for a costume, meaning from a distance. Up close it looks pretty rough, and the inside is awful, but it'll do! I took a coat pattern and then disassembled a thrift store trench coat for this. His suit will be a disassembled reassembled suit. He also has a cheap sonic screwdriver flashlight, so that's fun!

A's costume, as the 4th Doctor, was easier. He had the scarf (birthday present) but needed the hat, coat, and clothes. We found a wig and hat at the thrift store, but for proper fit/look I had to cut the wig up and hot glue it to the hat. We also got him a coat and some slacks, while not exact it's going to be close enough.


V's trick or treat bucket is a Cyberman head now. I was originally going to do a K9 bag, but I got lazy last minute. I bought this bucket at the thrift store, spray painted it, and then drew the face on it. I think it'll be easier for V to use anyway, since he won't need to open it. Plus he LOVES buckets right now. We bought him some for summer, and a jack'o'lantern one for play (loves jack'o'lanterns right now too), and he just carried those around the house all the time. It should be good!

My costume is coming along nicely- the Dalek dress! I made the dress from a pattern, with clearance fabric (yay), then took plastic Christmas ornaments, spray painted them on the inside, and bore holes through them and stitched them on. Not the best job, but again... it'll do! I just need to work on accessories- planning on a little fascinator or something. I'm a little miffed, I was trying to find electric tealights for the fascinator- specifically ones that give off a white light- but so far have accidentally bought orange and yellow ones... you would think those would be labeled for light color, but no. So I guess no lights for my fascinator top.

I went to the zoo for their Halloween thing last weekend and had V wear a back up costume. My mom had picked him up a tiger costume at a yard sale for only 25 cents; score! The kids at the zoo loved it, he got lots of comments. We're planning on going again next weekend, all in costume. Hopefully it won't be too cold! I bought some black pants to go under my costume, but I'll probably still need my coat. Best laid plans and all that, ha! Oh well.

V sometimes says "Trick or Treat" so we're still working on that. It's really cute when he does though. Practice for the big day, right? Halloween is my second favorite holiday, so taking him trick or treating is one of those things I've always dreamed of doing with my kids someday... I'm pretty excited. If you couldn't tell. Ha!

So that's my costume update! I need to whip his suit together this week, and downsize the tie I found, make my accessory, and that should be it. I feel like I've been working on this forever, but at least it's coming together now.

IUI

E2 on Tuesday was 1,309 so that was good. Our IUI today went well, we were running late, then had to stop and drop V off with someone, but we got the specimen dropped off, and only 10 minutes late! An hour and a half later we came back for our IUI, and no issues there. We had 39mil, which is great. About an hour after the procedure I starting getting ovulation pains, and since then my discomfort has increased- so I think the timing of the IUI was great!

Not that I believe in signs, but I would love this to work out. V was our 4th pregnancy, on our 4 year anniversary of trying, on our 4th inject cycles. This cycle is our 5th inject cycle, on our 5th month trying for a second baby, and if we got pregnant it would be our 5th pregnancy... just saying, it's kind of neat how that all lines up. Of course, there's a good chance it won't happen... I only have a 25-28% chance (depending on your sourse, some say much lower) at pregnancy this cycle... but a girl can hope.

I start progesterone in two-three days, and will probably start testing in 12. Let the wait begin!

Updates and rememberance

Okay, so our ultrasound went well. I was really worried it wouldn't, given the discomfort and especially as he zoomed in on my ovaries... they were basically just black masses of follicles. All over. Every single millimeter. The good news is that most of them aren't mature, or near mature! My biggest ones are 18.8, 17.1, and 16.7 and those are on my right, plus a ton of smaller ones. On the left I have a 13.8, 14.6, and 14.4 among the various smaller ones. Basically they exploded in a short span of time, just like last inject cycle when we conceived V.

The plan? Trigger tonight, then IUI about 36 hours later (Thursday morning). Really really hoping this goes well! With the state of my ovaries I expect a lot of pain/discomfort in the coming days.

It's easy to blow past today and focus on what's going on, because the timing of this cycle fell like this, but today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. I've talked about it before, I talk about it every year, I post about it on social networking sites, and at 7pm I light my candle in memory of the children we lost, my niece that passed away, and the children of my friends and family who were gone too soon.

Pregnancy and infant loss is something that we as a society don't talk about, we skirt the issue, we avoid it and cloak it in silence thinking that silence is somehow better than acknowledging it. It's not. It's isolating and it leaves us to shoulder our grief alone. My children were loved, and lost, in the blink of an eye- while I have much to celebrate today, it doesn't erase the pain of what we went through and those that we lost. It doesn't erase the physical pain, the contractions I endured alone, the trips to the ER, or the suffocating emotional grief... those are a part of my story, and if I didn't have other women there who had been there before to guide me and hold my metaphorical hand I don't know how I would have survived it. So I broke the silence, and I talk about these things no matter how uncomfortable, because someone was once there for me. And now I can be there for someone else.

Smallish update

I got my E2 level, and it was 509. So a bit higher than they'd like already, and was told to take 150iu tonight. Done. A little worried since I already did two days of 225iu, but that's what happens when no one checks my estrogen and gets back to me. They must be having staffing issues because someone is usually in there 7 days a week, but no one was in there Friday or Sunday this week... so no one saw my E2 level until this morning. Yay me, right? A little uncomfortable with that.

Speaking of uncomfortable, my ovaries seem to be expanding at an exponential rate. I mean, I'm sore. Extremely tender in my lower abdomen. It hurts a bit to bend. It's not like the pain of ovulation last inject cycle, but I can definitely feel them growing. I hate to imagine what it'll feel like after trigger. Or what it'll feel like if we don't. Or if I ovulate on my own. You know, worries and stuff, blah blah blah.

Ultrasound tomorrow afternoon... we'll know what's up soon enough.

Pressing on-

Five days into stimming and I have one follicle on my left ovary (9mm) and like three or four on my right ovary (biggest is 13, smallest is 9). Basically we're doing the same as on previous cycles, this is pretty much where I was with V's cycle. I have yet to hear back about my estrogen (the lab still hasn't posted it online either, argh), but the RE I saw today told me that from what he saw on ultrasound I should stick to the same dose (225iu) for a few days.

This does worry me a little because within 4 days I went from 4 maturing follicles to like 6 or 7 mature with V. Huge difference. And that was after lowering my dose due to my estrogen level.

He gave me the option of coming back Tuesday or Wednesday, and I opted for Tuesday because of the 13. If it continues to grow at the typical rate of 1-2mm a day, it could be anywhere between a 17 and a 21 by Wednesday. So basically I'm worried it will get too big by Wednesday and I'll ovulate on my own before then. This has happened to me before on an inject cycle, and I really don't want to risk it again- it would ruin my chances of an IUI. Going in earlier means I risk having to come back for yet another ultrasound, but I think it's better to play it safe.

I was hoping my weight loss would make some difference in my treatment, but I didn't hold much hope for it. Good thing I didn't, eh? Ha! 50lbs less than my last injectable cycle and... well, nothing! Same old, same old. My ovaries are awful stubborn. Or should I say my PCOS is wicked evil.

Anyway, if we're lucky we'll have good news Tuesday and an IUI on Thursday. Positive thoughts welcome!

What happens on an injectable cycle?

Jessi asked on my last post what happens in an injectable cycle, and you know... that's a good question! This is my fifth injectable cycle, so I'll lay out the basics... but let me tell you, no inject cycle is the same, and how everyone reacts is different too! This is only my experience! Our response dictates how our cycle goes down, and influences how much it'll cost, and how long it'll last... while injectable FSH give us more control over things, it takes that same perceived control out of our hands.

First of all, injectable cycles begin with a typical cycle day three baseline. You go in, you get an ultrasound to make sure you have no cysts and your lining is thin. Usually you'll get an estrogen draw (E2) too. If things look good, you can start stimming that very night. You usually have to wait until the afternoon to start stimming though, because for future scans you'll be waiting for your clinic to call you back with your E2 level (which usually happens in the evening). I'll get to that though!

Injections can be scary the first time around. I had a needle phobia, which I promptly got over. No choice. The needles are small, and you inject them subcutaneously (in the fat, not muscle). When I did my first injectable cycle I iced beforehand and used a Gonal-f pen... didn't realize I had already stuck myself and pulled it out on accident! Didn't feel a thing. Some medications come premixed in pens, while some require mixing- also not a big deal. I mix my Bravelle at every injection, and it's very simple.

After your first scan they'll have you stim for a few days at whatever dose they deem fit- I believe most clinics will start a first timer out at 75iu a day, but it really varies from clinic to clinic. Since we know what dose I need (a whopping 225iu*) we start there straight from the get go. On a first cycle they'll have you come in more often, because they don't yet know what dose you'll need or how you'll respond. This is where the control comes in- unlike with oral meds, they'll be adjusting your dose daily pending your response. If your dose isn't doing enough, they'll increase it, if it's doing too much they'll dial you down. We have a ballpark idea how I'll respond, which is why we can wait 4-5 days before bringing me back in, but on my first cycle we were coming in every 2-3 days. First cycles tend to take longer, and are more expensive, because of all the uncertainty.

When you come back in, you do another ultrasound and an E2 draw. The ultrasound shows what has already happened, if there are any follicles maturing or taking the lead, or even already matured. The estrogen predicts what's going to happen, or rather it tells them what's going on behind the scenes. Your estrogen rises in response to the dose you're on- if your dose is too low, it will barely rise. If your dose is too high, it will sky rocket. My clinic likes to see it double every couple days. So at your follow up appointment they look at both sides of the issue to figure out the whole picture- this in turn decides your continuing dose. My clinic always calls in the afternoon after they've looked at my E2 level, and let me know what to do from there. If things look good, you come back in however many days seem fitting. If one is almost mature, they may have you come back sooner. If it looks like things are going slow or taking longer, but dose looks good, you may come in later. If they're upping your dose, you could come in sooner because they don't know how you'll respond to that dose...

See, this is where that perceived control comes in! It sounds like a bunch of guesswork, and in a way it is, but it's educated guesswork. They have studies and reasons for the dosage changes, and the extra monitoring is necessary so that you get enough mature follicles but not too many mature follicles- it's a very fine line to navigate!

They keep walking this tightrope however long it takes for you to get a mature follicle. How many scans you have depends on your response, and how long you stim depends on all the factors mentioned above. Some clinics like to take the slow and steady approach, which is great for a first cycle, but you do have to be careful that they aren't overcautious.

My first RE was overcautious, he refused to up my dose despite no response, and he made me stim until cycle day 28... I wasted a lot of medicine and money on scans. We pay out of pocket, I have no coverage, and at the time we made less money than now. I spent $2k on ultrasounds, and another $1k on blood work, and wasted all my donated meds (from an assistance program)... to ultimately have a complete cycle failure (trigger failed). If I had known what I do now, I would have demanded better care. That cycle was the reason I left my clinic. First cycles can be trying, but they shouldn't be like mine was. There is a difference between being cautious and being overly cautious. If your E2 isn't rising, ultrasound shows nothing, and they're refusing to raise your dose- question it. Never be afraid to question the care you're receiving, or even at times demand a change in treatment. I learned a valuable lesson from that first inject cycle, albeit an expensive one- advocate for yourself. Always. Speak up, and make your wishes known.

Now, as you get towards the end of the cycle you may have to worry over how many follicles you have- I've seen many women cancelled because of over-stimulation. I almost was myself, and it's a real worry of mine even now. Every RE has their own cut off for over-stimulation, most don't like to trigger with more than three but some will allow more. You have to address these concerns with them, and discuss the risks involved. This is why they monitor you carefully and why you come in so often though- to minimize your risk. They take into account your age, history, what your reproductive issues are, and try their best to prevent high order multiples (HOMs) or ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome (OHSS). Injectable medications carry the risk of multiples because you have less control than with IVF, but they do what they can to bring your risk down.

Once you get the right number of follicles and estrogen, you're RE should allow you to trigger. Either you'll be instructed to have intercourse, or opt for an IUI. Without male factor infertility (MFI) an IUI only adds an extra 1-3% to your chances. I usually opt for an IUI with injects since we pay so much out of pocket for the whole cycle; I mostly add one for the peace of mind and timing insurance, as we don't have MFI.

After that, the waiting game begins.

Hope that all made sense and was helpful/informative! Remember, I'm no expert and this is just my experience... but if anyone has questions, feel free to comment or email me.


*which isn't a lot for IVF, but is a rather high dose for an inject/IUI cycle

Photo is from one of my 2009 Bravelle cycles, haven't taken any from this one yet!

And the race is on!

I discussed everything with Dr. M and she told me not to worry about it, and that she's going to work with me here. I've had just spotting since stopping my birth control pills but my lining checks out as thin, no cysts, so we are good to go!

The plan is to start stimming tonight at 225iu, and I come back on Saturday. She wanted to do Friday, but no one is going to be in our branch that day (my clinic has 4 branches in the state now). Soooooo... Saturday it is.

Hoping for a good response, but not an overwhelmingly good response.

I'm so anxious over my first injection, you'd think this was my first time. Geesh.

Other than that, my nose is still congested and I've had a headache off and on... but I'm feeling a bit better, so that counts for something. A is planning on taking some vacation time next week, so we can just relax and get through this. So that's good. It'll be nice to have some help with V while I nurse my sore ovaries, as I'm sure they will be (whether we get to trigger or not).

This week is going to be a long one though as we wait to see what's happening. I'll get through it though! I'm sure there are a few tasks around the house that need my attention. Like the ceiling fan I've been meaning to install, the canvas collage I meant to do, or the costumes that need worked on... so you may see some craft updates while I kill time! Ha.

Starting to get real-

My baseline appointment is on Monday... so 4 days from now. Time to break down my infertile-psychosis for you, because I need to lay it all out somewhere:

1) First worry? Gas prices. Yeah I'm worried how the government shutdown will affect the gas prices if this goes on for long. I already have to spend $20 on gas for one visit to the clinic- simply going there and back! Will it affect the gas prices? Maybe not. But I've seen them fluctuate a lot over smaller societal happenings, so I wouldn't bet against it. I may be a worry wort, but this has crossed my mind.

2) Second worry? When to stop my BCPs, and when/if I'll get the withdraw bleed. These pills say that some users won't get a withdraw bleed. I didn't get one with the Natizia before we began TTC again in February, although I did ovulate 14 days after stopping them. So, there is a chance I won't get a bleed, or it'll be late, or what if it comes after my scan and mid cycle, or... I don't know.  So far this pack I had one day of mid-cycle bleeding, and a couple days of spotting, which is a HUGE improvement over all the other brands! Which makes me think I might not get a bleed at the end of the pack.

I'm sure she can assess my lining if I don't get a bleed, so I don't think it'll be the end of the world- just another potential complication. I think I'm going to stop them tonight, with hopes of getting AF over the weekend, or at least being ready to go on Monday.

Okay, I think we need a brief intermission. Enjoy this photo of my dog hating the coat I made him:

3) Okay... what else... oh, my limited funds. I have enough money saved to do one cycle that mirrors my previous cycles. I already bought the Bravelle (5 boxes anyway), so those are ready to go. I have Crinone and I even have some Lovenox. However, I only have enough money for roughly 5 scans, one trigger, and one IUI. If I need more meds Dr. M mentioned she might be able to get me some samples, but there's no guarantee of that. If I need more scans, or more meds... well, we'll probably have to cancel, unless we can borrow the money or get an expedited loan (psshhh yeah right). We don't own credit cards because we don't use them, so this is one of those instances that could bite me in the butt. So, I have to go in Monday and lay all this out for Dr. M.

With V I had 4 scans, stimmed at 225iu for 4 days, dropped to 175iu for 3 days, then 50iu, and triggered. My third pregnancy I had 5 scans and stimmed at 225iu for 8 days straight though. I don't know how I'm going to respond- my response last time was a lot better for some reason, and we don't really know why. That's the thing about injects, you have more control but the cost is so hard to predict! I've stimmed for as little as 7 days, or as long as 25 (yeah, first cycle I stimmed until CD freakin' 28! I'm still bitter about that wasted cycle and all the wasted meds, can you tell?!)

Why does this all have to be so complicated? I know some women can get away with paying $1,000 (or less somehow) for an inject cycle, but mine cost anywhere from $2,500 to $3,500. Heck, could be even more than that... you never know. Definitely not less though. That's a lot of leeway and uncertainty. It makes planning hard, especially when you just want to get things underway.

Ugh. Yeah, we need another intermission. How about this? A photo of V as a newborn:

4) On to the next worry: overstimulation! When Dr. M looked at my chart we briefly went over my last cycle and she looked at my E2 and follicles and said it 'gave her heart palpitations'. She looked shocked. Obviously we were at risk for high order multiples- we know that- but I really don't think we were at that high of a risk, given my history. She wants to start us back at 225iu, which I want since we can't play around too much with lower doses given our limited funds. However, if this coming cycle goes like last time I'm worried she'll cancel me.

The other thing is that I'm 50lbs less than last time. Which my infertility isn't dependent on weight, as I still didn't get regular cycles even at a healthy BMI, I was hoping it would help me respond to treatments. I just hope it doesn't make me respond too well. I just want to find the happy median, is that too much to ask? It might be.

5) Not related to TTC, so a random everyday intermission/worry, but I decided to try bangs out again. WHY DID I DO THAT?! I seriously had bangs all through high school and grew to hate them, and then it took me an ENTIRE year to grow them out. I really don't know what got into me, I just wanted to try something new so I started cutting. Bangs, for me, are something that always sounds good in theory but never in practice. I'll have to wait for it to dry to figure out how it looks, but I might need my hairstylist to rescue me from myself before this is over.

6) I haven't been feeling well, liken I have some sinus congestion and a ton of pressure. I'm really hoping it's just allergies or something stupid, because it feels like a sinus infection and that would be no good right now. I've never had good cycles when I was sick, I either didn't get pregnant or my luteal phase would be shorter than normal, it's just never a good combo. I don't want to be sick and lay all this money down, then blame myself for moving forward when I already felt it was doomed.

Yes, I am all doom and gloom. Sorry! It's ingrained. Call it pessimism, self preservation, blame it on my depression and anxiety issues... it's just how I'm wired. Which is why I'm letting it all hang out here. None of this is easy regardless of how I feel about it. It's complicated, it's a major gamble, an expensive risk, a fleeting hope... it's the reality of the situation.

My husband, A, is much more laid back. I tell him all this and he says, "There isn't anything else we can do, so why worry? It's out of our hands." Ahhh, yeah. That is true.

But I'm just gonna worry anyway, and plan for every single possible (no matter how improbable) possibility anyway, because that's how I am. I have very little control over how things go down, but at least I can prepare for them.

That's one of the things I hate the most about all this, and I always have: How very little control we really have. How everything comes down to dollars and cents, available options and what we can consent to, never what we need or what we want. And then, we don't have control over how we respond, how things turn out, whether it'll work or not. I don't like feeling helpless. I don't like having such a natural, personal decision- expanding my family- taken almost completely out of my hands.

This is the hand we were dealt though, so we better make the best of it.

I'll prepare for the worst, and continuing hoping for the best. And right now I'm hoping that Monday goes smoother than anticipated.