So, A and I had the talk already. We had already decided that waiting 5 years would be too long, I really didn't want to wait that long to decide our next course of action. If we were going to try biologically again, I wanted to plan for that. If we wanted to move on to adoption, I wanted to start planning and saving for that sooner than that. So we said we'd talk about it in the next year or two, and we were like, "Okay, that's cool." Then we both had insomnia the other night, and started talking about it again. We discussed the possibility of another biological child. I said that it might be better to try again in a year or two if we wanted to go that route. I was leaning more toward two years from now, he was thinking more of trying again next year.
It surprised me how enthusiastic he was about trying again. He was really excited about the possibility of having another child, talking about how it would be a friend for V and how awesome it would be. We talked about the benefits of trying again sooner, and the drawbacks. In the back of my head, I was thinking how if things worked out easier this time, it would be nice... but what if it didn't?
Then the next night he held me tight and said, "I really hope we're able to have a baby next year." And things were more sombre.
Having V is wonderful. He is the highlight of my day. But, having more children is something I always wanted too. A and I always said we wanted two children, although I used to try and coax him into the idea of three. That was before infertility and the losses. I still want more children though, I just worry about how everything might affect V: the cost of treatments, the cost of pregnancy, my physical state, and my emotional well-being.
Before we had him, it was easy for us to risk everything. Now, it's not so simple.
The other problem here is that I feel like we've deluded ourselves into thinking it will happen. I mean, we know it could happen, V is proof of that. But the four years we struggled, not to mention the three miscarriages we went through, are proof that the odds are not in our favor. We don't really know what worked this time, when nothing worked the first three times. We don't know if it was the Thyroid medication, the Lovenox, the Progesterone, the cycle itself, or what exactly! We don't know why the SCH developed with such vengeance, but we do know I have a high chance of it happening again. The first half of my pregnancy with V was hell. The last half lulled me into a false sense of security, it was so normal.
If we're totally honest here, it was my successful pregnancy that was the fluke- not my miscarriages or failed cycles. I only carried 25% of my pregnancies to term. For most women, that statistic works the other way around. And I know that. I know it so well. But now I know that it's possible. I know I can carry a baby to term. I've done it once, but.. that by no way guarantees that I can do it again.
That's where the rational part of my brain sits. I'm afraid that it might not be possible. I'm afraid that if we wait too long, we could lose our window. I'm afraid that it could take years and years all over again.
I really want another child though. It isn't the same as our need was before.The thought of failing hurts, but it's not like it was before. The need for immediate success isn't as powerful. But it's there in my heart, the desire to do this again despite the fear and hardships.
So, we talked. And we tentatively decided that sometime next year, we'll try again. We won't do as many cycles, we won't be as wrapped up in trying, but we want to try again.