Thursday, August 9, 2012

Unexpected grief-

I was snuggling with V on the couch yesterday. He's getting so big, and with it so mobile. The snuggling doesn't happen often. I was looking at him, and marveling again (like I do everyday) at how perfect he is. From his cute little nose, his mischievous grin, to that glint he gets in his eyes when he chuckles. I thought, "My god, we are so lucky."

And just like that, I got hit with a sudden wave of grief. I just started sobbing. It's the first time I've cried tears of grief in such a long time now. He's so amazing; I can't help but wonder... what would the others have been like?

Most days I don't even think about the miscarriages, except in fleeting thoughts. I don't break down about them anymore. I don't sob hysterically for everything we lost, could still lose, or might never be. Most days, I spend wrapped in the world of V- changing him, feeding him, bathing him, playing with him, keeping him amused, cuddled, close. The rare moments when he naps, I find myself scouring the house. Then, when midnight hits us, we all tumble into bed exhausted. It feels like grief doesn't fit into our new life... but assuredly it does.

Sometimes I feel like I've been neglecting it. Like it's something I should be tending, another pet begging for attention, and getting ignored. Except, it isn't as demanding as it used to be. It asks for less and less of me. It's still there though. Most people can't see it anymore. As if my grief is a specter, living in the chambers of my heart. Hidden within me.

Who would they have been? Did I ever have a daughter, no matter how briefly? What is there left for me to hold on to?

Where else can they exist, if not in my heart.

I cried for a minute, maybe two. V grabbed my face and tried to snatch my glasses. I wiped my eyes, smiled at him, and said, "No."

He giggled.


St Elsewhere said...

Hugs, AD.

Where else can they exist, if not in my heart? Beautiful, and so true. said...

I think the grief and loss will always be there and bubble up occasionally. I don't think you can forget about the other babies you know?

Even having Caroline I still remembered on the 4th of July that first miscarriage and all the what ifs that went with that baby.


Rebecca said...

Understandable how you feel.

Ducky said...

I agree with Melissa. I think we will always occasionally have those thoughts. I hope as the years go by it just gets easier though.

loribeth said...

This is such a beautiful post.

Stinky said...

^that ^

The grieftears are few and far between now, was reflecting on that recently too, remember how potent it all was, and how it all seems more transparent now, but still potent, if you look at it properly instead of the usual day-to-day squint out the corner of the eye

Kelly said...

I find myself with those moments, too. It's so incredibly difficult.