Sunday, October 3, 2010

Ungh-

Infertility is worse than a school bully- it degrades you and makes you feel like you're totally inept and worthless, incapable of the simplest tasks. Then it steals hundreds of dollars, sometimes THOUSANDS. So you're left there, humiliated in front of the world, and penniless.

In short... I wasted $500 last month. And for what? Another fucking negative test.

I've wasted more than that in the past, I have. But this month it has just really pissed me off. I'm feeling very BITTER. I'm feeling angry. I feel defeated.

I think most of it's because I would rather have put that money towards our savings. Instead, it was a total waste. The money has done nothing positive, I have nothing to show for it at all... except another negative test.

I know, I wanted to do a few more cycles so that I have no regrets. We wanted to give it our best shot. But I can't help but wonder if I'm going to end up with more regrets about pressing on. I could be $500 closer to pursuing adoption right now... instead my savings account balance is the same as it was the month before last, and it's not going anywhere, and I'm never going to see that $500 again.

I just feel pissy right now... I'll be less pissy in a few days, I'm sure. I always am. But right now... ungh.

4 comments:

Heather said...

I understand how you feel. The money aspect of infertility is definitely ridiculous. If only our bodies worked how they were supposed to. LOL! I wish infertility treatments were free or cheaper atleast...

Alenka said...

This whole thing sucks. Infertility sucks. It takes so much away and leaves bitterness and incredible amount of sadness. Hang in there please, good things happen. For some reason, some of us have to wait long time for them. I hope you have better days to come.

Melis.sa said...

((HUGS))

I've been there. It fucking sucks month after month when it's draining you in every possible way.

Shelby said...

While I very seldom comment, yours is a blog I faithfully visit frequently and I wanted to let you know that I am so sorry that this beast keeps finding its way to wreak havoc in your life and heart. The loss of money is just one more kick in the shins when you're already down. I wish insurance companies recognized IF for what it is: a disease. Sending you a virtual hug!