Sunday, April 26, 2009

Patterns

Well, here we go again. I'm done with my dates with Clo-mood.
I still have my HSG Tuesday, but things are definitely underway.

I feel numb, a little deja vu. I think maybe because I decided I don't want to think about it at all, because I still haven't really mourned my second loss (How many weeks ago was that now? Over seven...)

This cycle seems especially laden with reminders... so I doubt it will work out.
If I do ovulate (never a gaurantee with me, even with Clo-mood) then it would be around the anniversary of my first miscarriage. And if I get pregnant... and if this baby stays with me... I will be due the week of my birthday. Which is when I concieved my last loss, coincidentally.

Of course, if I don't Ov then none of this matters anyway.

(*sigh*)

I don't mean to be such a pessimist.
I just... two years, only ovulating three times total in those two years, 6 (now 7) rounds of Clo-mood, two conceptions and subsequent miscarriages.... I'm not very optimistic.

On a more positive note though!
Adoption research continues.
I'm excited at the idea, I feel an anticipation I don't feel anymore for trying to concieve naturally. It feels good to have some hope, a little excitement... it's been so long since I've had that.

I have missed that warm anticipatory feeling in my soul.

***By the way, I got Mel's book in the mail yesterday.
****Freakin' sweet!

11 comments:

WiseGuy said...

I am happy that your adoption research is going in the positive way...All the best for Tuesday.

I found a new blog listing on your profile - The Lost Center of Gravity...I don't want access, but the name is curious...what is it basically about, if you don't mind telling?

*ICLW*

Another Dreamer said...

Some members of my creative writing group and I are messing around with the idea of having a website with videos of poetry readings (Like spoken word pieces.) It will probably fall through, but I am enjoying the idea.

WiseGuy said...

Wonderful!


All the very best!

G & H said...

Glad adoption is such a positive thoughtfor you guys right now! Read my blog to see where were at with it too! We could be adoption buddies :)

www.wondrafulbaby.blogspot.com

'Murgdan' said...

I'm happy you're getting excited about adoption. Hell, I've been watching this show...

http://hallmarkchannel.com/publish/consumer/home/shows/adoption.html

...and it's getting ME excited about adoption, and we aren't even 'there' yet.

Good for you. AND I still wish you ovulation luck.

Celia said...

I am a little scared of Clomid but I am dying to get my hands on some. I hope it works for you.

Lucy said...

Jealous you got your book already! I pre-ordered mine on Amazon, but it says it won't ship till Mon 4.27! :)

Kristin said...

I am thrilled your adoption research is going well but, since you have hit that mental roadblock, I am going to be hopeful about this cycle for you.

Is that bird pic a tattoo you have? Its very pretty.

Michelle said...

Your feelings are completely understandable. I know them very well. I am glad to here the adoption info is going well.

Penny said...

Hey, best of luck this cycle. Ya never know. You do seem to respond to clomid. Will there be any monitoring of your uterine lining thickness (since you've done a few rounds now, and have unexplained miscarriages?)

Also, totally awesome about the adoption stuff.

Bluebird said...

I understand the pessimism. . . Although, when I feel that way, I *insist* on calling it realism :) I mean, really though - how much can you go through without feeling, in a matter of fact way, that its not going to go well? Sorry, I don't mean to suggest that it won't :) I'm hoping with all my might that this is it for you!! Just sayin - I get it.