Thursday, April 16, 2009


I am so grouchy.
I don't mean to be.
I really don't, but lately, it's just there...

I am angry that I can't get pregnant.
I am angry I can't stay pregnant.
I am angry about my health insurance.
I am angry about my body.
I am angry about all my medical bills.
I am angry about my student loans.
I am angry that my mother's mental state keeps slipping.
I am angry about my family and various issues.
I am angry about my recent telephone stalkers.
I am angry about my health.
I am angry about my house.
I am angry that while I can live comfortably, I can't save up money well.
I am angry that infertility is kicking my physical, emotional, mental, and financial ass.
I am angry that my homework keeps not getting done. It's a mysterious thing.
I am angry angry angry.

I get so sick of being angry.

But, there you have it.

Today though, I thought... you know, maybe it's not so bad. Maybe...


because the tree I planted for the first miscarriage... has new blooms on it.
It was a beautiful thing; but so full of reminders.
You know, I should have a three month old right now.
I should be 13wks pregnant right now.
But I'm not.
And I never know if I am going to be.

And I'm angry about that.
I want to scream.
I want to yell at the top of my lungs.
I want this to end.


Anonymous said...

Hey, I'll yell with you! Maybe the infertility gods will hear if we all scream together.

I'm sorry all this crap is just piling up. Those flowers are beautiful though. And you deserve to have that 3 month old with you right now and to not have lost another pregnancy. It sucks, sucks, sucks.

'Murgdan' said...

Beautiful flower for a painful sucks. Be angry. That's the only way to face it sometimes.

~*~Bodhi~*~ said...

Scream. Shout. Punch something.

Trust me. It helps.

I should be 12 weeks pregnant today, other milestones after other miscarriages haven't hurt or affected me as much as this one has.

Get it out, let the anger out and then make a cuppa (or something stronger if you so desire) and go outside and look at that flower and take in all it's beautifulness....


Anonymous said...

Hey I noticed your blog from Soulcysters.
Thought I would stop by and show you some support.
I have the same feelings as well.

WiseGuy said...

The bloom is gorgeous, and what a huge reminder of what could have been there.

You have all the right to be angry. This so sucks big time, and there is no easy way out of this. I just hope that you are able to keep your head above the water.It is too much stress already.

Have you heard of Vipassana?

Kristin said...

Oh hon...I am so sorry. And, I second Bodhi's recommendation. Scream, shout, rage at the universe. It really does help.

Bluebird said...

Breathtakenly beautiful bloom. I'm sorry you ever had a reason to plant the tree, but thank you for sharing the photo with us nonetheless.

And go ahead and be angry. About all that. You have every right to be. . . I'm angry about most of those things, too.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry hun. I wish I could do something to help. Thinking of you and sending hugs your way.

The Steadfast Warrior said...

I'm so sorry for all that you're going through. Vent all you need to- anger is a perfectly acceptable emotion and often needed. (((HUGS)))

Cara said...

What a powerful post - so real and true, and valid - and tentatively hopeful.

Have you thought about submitting it to Exhale? It would really resonate with the readers.