the infertile wants to try again... I think.
As a new cycle is underway (I think, unless I'm being toyed with.) I begin to realize, "Hey, there's a chance I could get pregnant again."
(*crickets chirping*)
This used to make me happy. I know it did. Okay, it still does... but not jumping up and down giddy with the idea. Because now, it is deeply and utterly ingrained in my subconscious... miscarriage. Now, I am just glad to be moving forward. I am tentatively hopeful that I could get pregnant again, and that maybe next time will be different.
See, with the first one I was foolish enough to believe that the next time would be different. Part of me thought that lightening wouldn't strike twice. Ha. Stupid me.
I'm not so foolish anymore. I am terrified. Truly. The thought of getting pregnant doesn't just scare me though, it makes me horribly sad. I feel so many things at the very idea, that I don't know what I'm feeling. I'm happy, sad, scared, longing, fearing, numb.
But, here we go again.
First off, when my new cycle officially starts, I will be starting Clomid again.
Then, HSG.
And... wait and see.
Hopefully the Clomid will at least get me to ovulate.
I will be so angry if it doesn't.
And there you have it.
Right now, I am sitting on high stress central.
Tuesday I will be going to the informational session about adoption/fostering through the county.
Thursday I have an essay due.
Friday I have two essays due.
Friday I have to submit my entries to the Literary Awards Competition on my campus. So, I need to hurry and and finish my revisions so I can do that!
Then, Friday I work. After work, I am having a movie night to unwind. We're watching Black Sheep (Not the American one, the New Zealand one.) This one has zombie killer were-sheep. I know, it spells awesome! In all seriousness though... it does.
So, if I can get through this week... I have a movie night with friends to look forward to.
If I don't make it through this week... I'll still have a movie night with friends to look forward to!
Don't worry, if this week becomes to much I have enlisted a friend to talk me down.
6 comments:
Good luck hon!
Oh, I soooo get it. I too feel like I am immune to any more bad things, and I'm terrified that I might be forced to realize otherwise.
Wishing you peace and comfort and massive productivity this week!
Good luck! I imagine it's hard to keep going, but I'd imagine that, at times, it's harder to NOT keep going.
OMG I think I could have written this myself. I really want to get pregnant but now I automatically assume it will end early so that makes me terrified. Hang in there! and Good Luck!
Great that you enlisted some pal help 'in-case'....You are talking about a my kind of movie.
It sure sounds too hectic for you this week...hope you are able to squeeze in a few breathers.
Thank you so much for that comment on Estrogen levels...I have noted that down and will surely ask my doc about it. Not now, coz it can all go suck some haystack, for all I care.
I can't smell another hospital or clinic again for a while. I am done for now.
All the very best.
Where do you get your six word memoirs from?
Tried too hard, Failed too hard!
The excitement of possibilities never diminished for me during the worst parts of infertility. As frustrating as that feeling is when things do not work, it's still kind of refreshing too that optimism peeks itself in the door.
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