the infertile wants to try again... I think.
As a new cycle is underway (I think, unless I'm being toyed with.) I begin to realize, "Hey, there's a chance I could get pregnant again."
This used to make me happy. I know it did. Okay, it still does... but not jumping up and down giddy with the idea. Because now, it is deeply and utterly ingrained in my subconscious... miscarriage. Now, I am just glad to be moving forward. I am tentatively hopeful that I could get pregnant again, and that maybe next time will be different.
See, with the first one I was foolish enough to believe that the next time would be different. Part of me thought that lightening wouldn't strike twice. Ha. Stupid me.
I'm not so foolish anymore. I am terrified. Truly. The thought of getting pregnant doesn't just scare me though, it makes me horribly sad. I feel so many things at the very idea, that I don't know what I'm feeling. I'm happy, sad, scared, longing, fearing, numb.
But, here we go again.
First off, when my new cycle officially starts, I will be starting Clomid again.
And... wait and see.
Hopefully the Clomid will at least get me to ovulate.
I will be so angry if it doesn't.
And there you have it.
Right now, I am sitting on high stress central.
Tuesday I will be going to the informational session about adoption/fostering through the county.
Thursday I have an essay due.
Friday I have two essays due.
Friday I have to submit my entries to the Literary Awards Competition on my campus. So, I need to hurry and and finish my revisions so I can do that!
Then, Friday I work. After work, I am having a movie night to unwind. We're watching Black Sheep (Not the American one, the New Zealand one.) This one has zombie killer were-sheep. I know, it spells awesome! In all seriousness though... it does.
So, if I can get through this week... I have a movie night with friends to look forward to.
If I don't make it through this week... I'll still have a movie night with friends to look forward to!
Don't worry, if this week becomes to much I have enlisted a friend to talk me down.