Monday, April 6, 2009

The little things

Tonight I decided to peruse the internet for loss jewelry. I just wanted something to memorialize my miscarriages, those precious babies that were so wanted, but weren't meant to be. I found a little heart pendant that had baby feet on it, and you could custom engrave it up to 5 letters. I chose the initials of each baby for the pendants, AH and SH. It wasn't until that moment that it hit me. AH and SH. Our lost children's initials are the same as our own initials. I did not do that on purpose, and I didn't even register that fact until just now. And like that I was hit with a wave of emotion. The littlest things can set them off these days.

The pendants come with birthstones on them, rather than use the expected due date's month for this, I always associate my losses with the month they left us. So, Emerald for my Sebastian, my May loss. Aquamarine for my Angela, who left too soon in March. I don't really know the etiquette on that, it's such odd territory, and we all have differing opinions. Grief has no set rules, so I go with whatever I feel is right. I suppose that's the best way to do it.

(If you know me in real life, I suppose I should give you a obligatory warning to you that sometimes you will not want to read what I write here. It can get a little TMI. I will not warn you again, if you think you can tough it, then read on.)
I feel like I'm flip flopping in every decision I make these days. I can't make up my mind about what I want to do about anything. Sometimes I just want to be, without all this trying or preventing or recovering. It's exhausting. But then other times, I want to do everything all at once. Prevent, try again, take time off, move on to adoption, breath.

I don't know if it is the grief that is driving me loopy, or the whole not doing anything. I mean, I thought a break would be good. Now I'm finding it a curse. How is this going to help me, I wonder. How is waiting two more weeks going to make a difference? I mean, my HCG went down long ago. I have to wait two more weeks, plus some, before I can start another cycle? Hmph. Then again, my basal body temperature is completely erratic. I mean, I can't make head or tails of it right now. I don't know if it's my sleep patterns, my vitamin D supplements, or who even freakin' knows. So, perhaps waiting is best, until my body figures itself out. I don't know. I'm driving circles in my mind at 113mph. I want to, I don't want to, I want to stop thinking about it, I want to plan 16 steps ahead. I know I shouldn't try, but part of me wants to. I know I should prevent, but I don't even want to think about preventing. All this thought makes me dizzy.

I hate preventing. I hate co.ndoms. I hate the feel of them, what they do, the fact that every time I get one out I am forced to remember why we're using it; to not get pregnant; because we had a miscarriage. Because I have failed. Because I must fail again this cycle. Pain, loss, agony.

Yes, dear reader; I have now learned to associate cond.oms with pregnancy loss, since this is the only time we use them. Great. Now I don't even want to have sex right now (with the stupid contraceptives measures) because, really, it's hard to enjoy it when you're thinking about agonizing pain and dead babies. I'm just saying.

All this on top of the fact that I just plain didn't like them to begin with. Fantastic.

So I have a choice here. Either don't have sex, or have it and end up not enjoying it, until April 20 (When I start the Prometrium.) Or I can throw caution to the wind and just. not. think. about. any. of. this. shit. until then. No c.o.ndoms, no trying, just us. I know two weeks is not so long; but sometimes time is just torture. I am so flip flopping in my mind right now. The odds of me actually ovulating are so low, that honestly, I am considering the whole "Throwing caution to the wind" thing.

I just don't want to think about anything, that's all. I don't want to think about trying. I don't want to think about preventing. I just want to exist for the next two weeks like we did before infertility. Just us, that pre-trainwreck experience, where we threw caution to the wind and just didn't give a damn.


Celia said...

Periods of preventing when you are TTC is the worst. So awful.

You may prefer contraceptive film. You fold it up and insert it, then it dissolves to form a spermicide. I am allergic to latex and we used the film for about two years. It can be a little fiddly to insert but is way better than condoms because you put it in beforehand and have up to two hours( I think) to do whatever. The brand is VCF, vaginal contraceptive film.

The months we were supposed to prevent I was so bummed that it was not much of an issue, if you know what I mean.

Penny said...

I vote no condoms, damned the arbitrary time limit. But then, I have no experience to back me up one way or the other.

Bluebird said...

Honestly, we just didn't have sex. (Well, once, unprotected and "against the rule," but whatever.) The whole c.ondom conversation just felt so wrong. Its just insult to injury or something, I don't know . . .

I can't wait to see pictures of your necklace :) I've been struggling lately with birthstones and etc., too, but I think I agree with you. May and March seem to make sense to me . . . I hope it brings you some comfort. I know I love wearing things that remind me of our babies :)

Jodi said...

hun honestly I think you just need to Enjoy Sex, I know the aweful TTC sex all too well and the preventative sex is worse.

Have fun hun if it happens it happens just enjoy eachother. Just the sheer joy of being with eachother for the love and nothing more. before you have any tests done get a pg test done.

have fun my love you guys deserve it.

Kristin said...

I hate htat you are in this place but I am so glad to know that I'm not the only one who associates condoms with pregnancy loss. Lots of {{{hugs}}}.

Mr. Shelby said...

When Shelby and I miscarried, part of our mourning was to get matching tattoos. Not quite jewelry, but in the same vein. I'm glad I share something with her in remembrance.

I empathize with you as you are taking your break. Our break was a double edged sword. We were exhausted doing protocols month in and month out, and completely unsettled when we were not.

Jodi said...

we also did a tattoo for the loss of our daughter.

Anonymous said...

The jewelry sounds beautiful. What a lovely way to honor your babies.

I've been looking on etsy for a simple piece of jewelry to remember my loss. So far I haven't found something that I have to have, so I guess I'll keep looking. Where did you buy your pendants?

I know I'm a little late here, but I also vote for throw caution to the wind.

Anonymous said...

It is so easy to second guess ourselves, to question every decision we make and fear that we made the wrong one. With IF and pregnancy loss there are so many "what ifs" that we torture ourselves with. I think that is why some of the breaks we've had were periods of freedom, where we didn't have to think about the next shot, appointment, blood test, two week wait, eventual BFN. I am sorry you are in this craptastic place where nothing feels like the right thing.

I hope you end up having lots and lots of sex and that you enjoy it! I second your distaste of con.doms and given the association I can understand why that makes it even harder.

I can only wish you peace and give you internet hugs.