Tonight I decided to peruse the internet for loss jewelry. I just wanted something to memorialize my miscarriages, those precious babies that were so wanted, but weren't meant to be. I found a little heart pendant that had baby feet on it, and you could custom engrave it up to 5 letters. I chose the initials of each baby for the pendants, AH and SH. It wasn't until that moment that it hit me. AH and SH. Our lost children's initials are the same as our own initials. I did not do that on purpose, and I didn't even register that fact until just now. And like that I was hit with a wave of emotion. The littlest things can set them off these days.
The pendants come with birthstones on them, rather than use the expected due date's month for this, I always associate my losses with the month they left us. So, Emerald for my Sebastian, my May loss. Aquamarine for my Angela, who left too soon in March. I don't really know the etiquette on that, it's such odd territory, and we all have differing opinions. Grief has no set rules, so I go with whatever I feel is right. I suppose that's the best way to do it.
(If you know me in real life, I suppose I should give you a obligatory warning to you that sometimes you will not want to read what I write here. It can get a little TMI. I will not warn you again, if you think you can tough it, then read on.)
I feel like I'm flip flopping in every decision I make these days. I can't make up my mind about what I want to do about anything. Sometimes I just want to be, without all this trying or preventing or recovering. It's exhausting. But then other times, I want to do everything all at once. Prevent, try again, take time off, move on to adoption, breath.
I don't know if it is the grief that is driving me loopy, or the whole not doing anything. I mean, I thought a break would be good. Now I'm finding it a curse. How is this going to help me, I wonder. How is waiting two more weeks going to make a difference? I mean, my HCG went down long ago. I have to wait two more weeks, plus some, before I can start another cycle? Hmph. Then again, my basal body temperature is completely erratic. I mean, I can't make head or tails of it right now. I don't know if it's my sleep patterns, my vitamin D supplements, or who even freakin' knows. So, perhaps waiting is best, until my body figures itself out. I don't know. I'm driving circles in my mind at 113mph. I want to, I don't want to, I want to stop thinking about it, I want to plan 16 steps ahead. I know I shouldn't try, but part of me wants to. I know I should prevent, but I don't even want to think about preventing. All this thought makes me dizzy.
I hate preventing. I hate co.ndoms. I hate the feel of them, what they do, the fact that every time I get one out I am forced to remember why we're using it; to not get pregnant; because we had a miscarriage. Because I have failed. Because I must fail again this cycle. Pain, loss, agony.
Yes, dear reader; I have now learned to associate cond.oms with pregnancy loss, since this is the only time we use them. Great. Now I don't even want to have sex right now (with the stupid contraceptives measures) because, really, it's hard to enjoy it when you're thinking about agonizing pain and dead babies. I'm just saying.
All this on top of the fact that I just plain didn't like them to begin with. Fantastic.
So I have a choice here. Either don't have sex, or have it and end up not enjoying it, until April 20 (When I start the Prometrium.) Or I can throw caution to the wind and just. not. think. about. any. of. this. shit. until then. No c.o.ndoms, no trying, just us. I know two weeks is not so long; but sometimes time is just torture. I am so flip flopping in my mind right now. The odds of me actually ovulating are so low, that honestly, I am considering the whole "Throwing caution to the wind" thing.
I just don't want to think about anything, that's all. I don't want to think about trying. I don't want to think about preventing. I just want to exist for the next two weeks like we did before infertility. Just us, that pre-trainwreck experience, where we threw caution to the wind and just didn't give a damn.