And the results are...

The procedure was fairly quick, fairly painful from catheing my cervix (My poor sensitive cervix. It feels so violated.) and it was oh so informative, just as I thought it would be.

The HSG revealed:
Nothing.
Clear tubes, and a perfectly normal uterus.

So, all in all my repeat loss testing shows us that... there's nothing wrong with me causing the miscarriages, except... ummm, my PCOS I guess. Maybe my D deficiency played a part. Who knows.

What we do know is this... if I do mange to get pregnant again, here is what I was told to do...
"Hope for the best."

Why thank you Dr. Blowssunshine, I'll get right on that.

Patterns

Well, here we go again. I'm done with my dates with Clo-mood.
I still have my HSG Tuesday, but things are definitely underway.

I feel numb, a little deja vu. I think maybe because I decided I don't want to think about it at all, because I still haven't really mourned my second loss (How many weeks ago was that now? Over seven...)

This cycle seems especially laden with reminders... so I doubt it will work out.
If I do ovulate (never a gaurantee with me, even with Clo-mood) then it would be around the anniversary of my first miscarriage. And if I get pregnant... and if this baby stays with me... I will be due the week of my birthday. Which is when I concieved my last loss, coincidentally.

Of course, if I don't Ov then none of this matters anyway.

(*sigh*)

I don't mean to be such a pessimist.
I just... two years, only ovulating three times total in those two years, 6 (now 7) rounds of Clo-mood, two conceptions and subsequent miscarriages.... I'm not very optimistic.

On a more positive note though!
Adoption research continues.
I'm excited at the idea, I feel an anticipation I don't feel anymore for trying to concieve naturally. It feels good to have some hope, a little excitement... it's been so long since I've had that.

I have missed that warm anticipatory feeling in my soul.

***By the way, I got Mel's book in the mail yesterday.
****Freakin' sweet!

F.B. you fiend

F.ac.eboo.k, you fiend.

I do not begrudge other's their pregnant happiness, but right now... I can't handle it.

I am happy for my F.a.ceb.ook friend, I really am... but I'm still not back at 100% since the miscarriage. Who am I kidding, I'll never be 100% anyway... but I need to be at least 87% to be functional. I don't think I'm there yet.

Thank goodness the developers of F.B. created the Hide option.
Ahhh, relief. All happy pregnant status updates from a certain someone are now hidden from my homepage. The unintentional assault has been stopped for now.

_____________________________

I should be writing a paper right now, but I find myself itching to look at the adoption information that came in the mail today. I would very much like to read it, since it is a comprehensive overview of what our county requires... but on the other hand, this paper I need to write is worth a huge chunk of my grade. And I have until October to look over all the adoption options and requirements; the entire summer!

Damn it. See, this is what infertility does to you. Complicates your life.
Can't think: infertility. Can't focus: infertility options. Can't concentrate: infertility, maybe adoption.

It's on the mind 24/7 even if you're not trying to think about it, it's there.

I'm serious. I mean, I'll be sitting in class thinking,
"I can't have babies. Doctor's appointment such and such day. Pills, pills, pills. Infertility, damn it. Adoption, hmmmm. Oh, we're reading Margaret Atwood... hmm, I don't need to pay attention, I've already read this. Where was I? Adoption... very possible. How how how. We could deal with such and such by doing such and such... maybe this cycle will work though. Maybe baby? No, maybe miscarriage. Damn infertility."

Well, not those exact words, but you get the gist.

I know, I've already wrote this post before. But it's just so exhausting. Even when I try not to think about it, I think about it. It drives me insane.

Speaking of which.
I probably should write that damn paper.

Ungh.

Accumulating

The informational session about adoption was very helpful. Hardly anyone showed up, so we were better able to get all of our one on one questions answered.

And our current decision is this: we will start the fostering/adoption training in October if we are no closer to having a biological child. If we go the fostering/adoption route, the process should take 9months, for just adoption a year. That does no include how long we'll be waiting for a placement, and that depends on which way we go. We have several months to pound out the details.

_________________________

I am on cycle day 3 already... five days until my HSG. Yikes. This cycle seems to be going slow, but at the same time it feels like it's going super fast. I can't wait for things to finally slow down.

_________________________

I was watching TLC and there was a show on called Ru.nway M.oms... they are pregnant models. The recruiting woman who goes around looking for models, she gives her card out to non-pregnant woman, telling them to give them a call if they ever get pregnant.

Wow, insensitive much? Especially because us infertiles are sneaky, and we can blend into the general public...

Maybe my infertile brain took it the wrong way... but I thought it was a bit tactless.

Come on new cycle,

the infertile wants to try again... I think.

As a new cycle is underway (I think, unless I'm being toyed with.) I begin to realize, "Hey, there's a chance I could get pregnant again."

(*crickets chirping*)

This used to make me happy. I know it did. Okay, it still does... but not jumping up and down giddy with the idea. Because now, it is deeply and utterly ingrained in my subconscious... miscarriage. Now, I am just glad to be moving forward. I am tentatively hopeful that I could get pregnant again, and that maybe next time will be different.

See, with the first one I was foolish enough to believe that the next time would be different. Part of me thought that lightening wouldn't strike twice. Ha. Stupid me.

I'm not so foolish anymore. I am terrified. Truly. The thought of getting pregnant doesn't just scare me though, it makes me horribly sad. I feel so many things at the very idea, that I don't know what I'm feeling. I'm happy, sad, scared, longing, fearing, numb.

But, here we go again.

First off, when my new cycle officially starts, I will be starting Clomid again.
Then, HSG.
And... wait and see.

Hopefully the Clomid will at least get me to ovulate.
I will be so angry if it doesn't.

And there you have it.

Right now, I am sitting on high stress central.

Tuesday I will be going to the informational session about adoption/fostering through the county.
Thursday I have an essay due.
Friday I have two essays due.
Friday I have to submit my entries to the Literary Awards Competition on my campus. So, I need to hurry and and finish my revisions so I can do that!
Then, Friday I work. After work, I am having a movie night to unwind. We're watching Black Sheep (Not the American one, the New Zealand one.) This one has zombie killer were-sheep. I know, it spells awesome! In all seriousness though... it does.

So, if I can get through this week... I have a movie night with friends to look forward to.
If I don't make it through this week... I'll still have a movie night with friends to look forward to!

Don't worry, if this week becomes to much I have enlisted a friend to talk me down.

Angry

I am so grouchy.
I don't mean to be.
I really don't, but lately, it's just there...
Anger.

I am angry that I can't get pregnant.
I am angry I can't stay pregnant.
I am angry about my health insurance.
I am angry about my body.
I am angry about all my medical bills.
I am angry about my student loans.
I am angry that my mother's mental state keeps slipping.
I am angry about my family and various issues.
I am angry about my recent telephone stalkers.
I am angry about my health.
I am angry about my house.
I am angry that while I can live comfortably, I can't save up money well.
I am angry that infertility is kicking my physical, emotional, mental, and financial ass.
I am angry that my homework keeps not getting done. It's a mysterious thing.
I am angry angry angry.

I get so sick of being angry.

But, there you have it.

Today though, I thought... you know, maybe it's not so bad. Maybe...

because the tree I planted for the first miscarriage... has new blooms on it.
It was a beautiful thing; but so full of reminders.
You know, I should have a three month old right now.
I should be 13wks pregnant right now.
But I'm not.
And I never know if I am going to be.

And I'm angry about that.
I want to scream.
I want to yell at the top of my lungs.
I want this to end.

Moving along

I started Progesterone three days ago, and my temperature has yet to start raising. It makes me wonder if it's going to take effect or not...

Of course, my basal body temperature has been completely wacky for the past few days. I don't even know how to make heads or tails of it. It's ridiculous.

Next week I am going to an informational session about adopting and fostering through the county. I hope I can get some more answers about the process, and what is required, etc... I'm not ready to start the process just yet, but I would like to know as much as I can.
____________________
I've said it before, and I'll say it again... I hate waiting. All I've done this entire trying to concieve journey is wait, wait, wait. It's exhausting.

Karyotype results:

Normal.

You would think this would be reassuring, but it's not.
It just leaves me wondering what the hell keeps going wrong.
I mean: yay it's nothing genetically fucked with us;
but boo that this unknown issue could happen again.

So, this just leaves the HSG...
which in all likelihood will come back normal.

And then, we'll have a conversation that goes something like this:

"You have PCOS idiot; this is the root of all evil your problems!" He smiles like a dimwit, "Better luck next time."

"Why thank you doctor, I am so glad I paid all that money out my ass for your expertise. We'll see how it goes."

"Awww, now don't be so down! Hopefully next time will get you out of my hair go better!" He nods his head like he really believes this.

"Sure it will Dr. Blowssunshine." I scream nod politely. "Sure it will."

____________________________
And if the HSG shows something wrong?
To be honest... There's nothing we can do about it. My insurance I have now does not cover infertility, and I highly doubt my new insurance will either. So even if there is a uterine abnormality? I'd be jumping through hurdles to find an non-IF excuse for surgery. Or I'd be saving up money for surgery. Or, I will be solely focusing on adoption.

So while I would HATE the conversation above, I actually really hope we get to have it.

Complications

My health insurance is changing next month.

Normally, this wouldn't be to much of a worry, except that I'm supposed to wait until April 20th to start the Prometrium. And then I may have to wait almost two weeks to start a new cycle! And then my HSG would fall in May, with my new mystery insurance. Yeah, we don't even know who A-s work is going through yet. Fantastic.

So... I started the Prometrium last night. If I'm lucky I can get the HSG done before the month is over. I only started it a week early...

I hope my RE's office will be okay with that.

I'll give them a call tomorrow, but... this is just frustrating.
I am very grateful that I have health insurance; but A-s work changes every single year, always trying to find something cheaper. I hate it. And last year? They didn't even tell us until a whole week after it had changed. At least they gave us a little warning this time.

Still. Doesn't change anything.

_____________________________

I hate Easter. Don't think me evil, but I am not religious. I am not Christian to celebrate Chist resurrecting, I am not Pagan to celebrate the goddess sailing down the river on an eggshell, no. I am not religious. I am spiritualist, and I am all for Easter egg hunts, I think they're great for the kids, but... I have no children.

Going to my mother's each Easter, well, it's simply so I can see my nephews and nieces. This presents it's own issues within me. A- and I, we're the odd ones out. We were the only childless people at the apartment. While they're all talking to each other about parenting issues, school technicalities; we're just nodding, and murmuring, unh huh, mmmm, understandable... And feeling the sting from being excluded, are voices being discounted because we have no children. We can't possibly understand how trying kids can be, we don't have any. No way.

Guess who had to hide the Easter eggs? You guessed it; us. It's not like we had children to get coats or shoes on.

I'm not trying to be bitchy, or whiney, or anything.
It just always leaves me a little depleted when we leave.
That's all. Just another reminder, in a long line of reminders.

Affirmation

I went in for my annual pap today.

I have to say, it was very reaffirming of our decision to leave my ob/gyn for my RE during this journey.

I had a doctor from the practice that I had never met before. Which is good I guess, I never told my ob/gyn that I was leaving for an RE... so I feel a little awkward about that whole thing.

My records had not been updated. Apparently they switched their filing system, and since I had not been in, I fell through the cracks. Who knows.

My first clue to this mishap was when she asked,"Are your menstrual cycles normal? Do they come at the same time every month."

Umm, no lady. They stopped coming a long long time ago. Thanks for asking.

So, then I had to fill her in from everything since the first miscarriage. Great, thanks.

As she's giving me the breast exam, she says to me, "Well, don't give up."
I give a meh. Mutter something about two years, and being a little jaded.

She continues on her all knowing spiel. "Don't give up. You know,"
Can you guess where this is going? Really?
Yes. The woman dared to say it, "most people stop trying, and it happens."

Why thank you. Thank you for reaffirming my reason for leaving your clinic.

I've said it once, I'll say it again.
Ob/gyn's know about pregnancy, and cervical paps. They don't know shit about reproduction.
An RE's priority is diagnosis and making babies.
So... I will throw my confidence in the specialist, and not the assvicer.
Thank you very much.

The little things

Tonight I decided to peruse the internet for loss jewelry. I just wanted something to memorialize my miscarriages, those precious babies that were so wanted, but weren't meant to be. I found a little heart pendant that had baby feet on it, and you could custom engrave it up to 5 letters. I chose the initials of each baby for the pendants, AH and SH. It wasn't until that moment that it hit me. AH and SH. Our lost children's initials are the same as our own initials. I did not do that on purpose, and I didn't even register that fact until just now. And like that I was hit with a wave of emotion. The littlest things can set them off these days.

The pendants come with birthstones on them, rather than use the expected due date's month for this, I always associate my losses with the month they left us. So, Emerald for my Sebastian, my May loss. Aquamarine for my Angela, who left too soon in March. I don't really know the etiquette on that, it's such odd territory, and we all have differing opinions. Grief has no set rules, so I go with whatever I feel is right. I suppose that's the best way to do it.

(If you know me in real life, I suppose I should give you a obligatory warning to you that sometimes you will not want to read what I write here. It can get a little TMI. I will not warn you again, if you think you can tough it, then read on.)
I feel like I'm flip flopping in every decision I make these days. I can't make up my mind about what I want to do about anything. Sometimes I just want to be, without all this trying or preventing or recovering. It's exhausting. But then other times, I want to do everything all at once. Prevent, try again, take time off, move on to adoption, breath.

I don't know if it is the grief that is driving me loopy, or the whole not doing anything. I mean, I thought a break would be good. Now I'm finding it a curse. How is this going to help me, I wonder. How is waiting two more weeks going to make a difference? I mean, my HCG went down long ago. I have to wait two more weeks, plus some, before I can start another cycle? Hmph. Then again, my basal body temperature is completely erratic. I mean, I can't make head or tails of it right now. I don't know if it's my sleep patterns, my vitamin D supplements, or who even freakin' knows. So, perhaps waiting is best, until my body figures itself out. I don't know. I'm driving circles in my mind at 113mph. I want to, I don't want to, I want to stop thinking about it, I want to plan 16 steps ahead. I know I shouldn't try, but part of me wants to. I know I should prevent, but I don't even want to think about preventing. All this thought makes me dizzy.

I hate preventing. I hate co.ndoms. I hate the feel of them, what they do, the fact that every time I get one out I am forced to remember why we're using it; to not get pregnant; because we had a miscarriage. Because I have failed. Because I must fail again this cycle. Pain, loss, agony.

Yes, dear reader; I have now learned to associate cond.oms with pregnancy loss, since this is the only time we use them. Great. Now I don't even want to have sex right now (with the stupid contraceptives measures) because, really, it's hard to enjoy it when you're thinking about agonizing pain and dead babies. I'm just saying.

All this on top of the fact that I just plain didn't like them to begin with. Fantastic.

So I have a choice here. Either don't have sex, or have it and end up not enjoying it, until April 20 (When I start the Prometrium.) Or I can throw caution to the wind and just. not. think. about. any. of. this. shit. until then. No c.o.ndoms, no trying, just us. I know two weeks is not so long; but sometimes time is just torture. I am so flip flopping in my mind right now. The odds of me actually ovulating are so low, that honestly, I am considering the whole "Throwing caution to the wind" thing.

I just don't want to think about anything, that's all. I don't want to think about trying. I don't want to think about preventing. I just want to exist for the next two weeks like we did before infertility. Just us, that pre-trainwreck experience, where we threw caution to the wind and just didn't give a damn.

In Retrospect

It's annoying how sometimes you can see things in retrospect, and you look back and wonder if maybe you should have seen that train wreck coming, but you didn't.

I had never seen W.est S.ide S.tory until tonight. It didn't take me long to pick up on the R.omeo and J.uliet parallel. Once I did though, I spent the entire movie waiting for the train wreck to happen. It was impending; I felt anxious. I knew, without a doubt, what was going to happen. there would be no happy ending; and there wasn't.

I will say I actually thought the ending was more sad in the movie than in its parallel. I wonder how messed up that is. I just couldn't help but feel sorry for Maria. She lost so much, and now she had to live with all that loss. I think maybe my perspective says something about me. Right now, at this moment, my biggest fear is not remaining childless forever. It is actually losing A- and being alone forever. Of having to live with that pain, having to go through each day without him, without children, without anyone but me. Second to that is the fear of never having children in our lives, because it would always feel incomplete. While it would feel incomplete, the pain of losing him and being totally alone, forever being more than just incomplete... being mostly dead inside... I don't want to think about it.

Before those thoughts though, there was another thought... the fear, the anxiousness, the thought of an impending train wreck. I know that I should have seen infertility coming. I should have, but I didn't. I mean, there were signs. Looking back, I want to scream at those two young lovers, A- and I. I think back, and remember those early feelings and thoughts, and I am griping my seat. I feel the tension building, and I am still watching in horror. I don't know if there will be a happy ending, or a mostly happy ending. So, I clutch my seat, on edge, watching in horror.

I want to say I would shout some warning at them, but even knowing what was going to happen would not change our course in history. We would have still proceeded the same. The outcome would still be this. I would still be watching in horror.

In retrospect, nothing would change; except, I would have seen the train wreck coming. I would have been watching in horror from day one... instead of looking back from day 730 something. I suppose it's better this way. At least the first six months were happy and carefree; naive, but so happy. I sometimes wish I could go back to then, those first six months before the first derailment.

I stand in awe that people feel that way all the time, and they actually reach their destination. How many of us have naively jumped on that same train, our hearts full of laughter, only to realize miles from home that we are headed for a train wreck... I didn't know. I should have, but I am glad I didn't. At least there was some point in this journey where I felt joy, where my heart was light. We have to take what we can get I suppose.

It's becomes agonizing, so hard, to find joy the longer this journey takes. Each dip, curve, mountain we climb... the more miles we put between us and our beginnings, the harder it is to enjoy the simple things in life. I sometimes feel like I am on a train trapped in an endless tunnel. All I can see is what's in my mind; and outside that is simply darkness. Maybe I got on the wrong train, maybe I need to find a different one, one that travels through someplace sunny. But I can't. I have to stay on this train. It's the only one that makes sense in my heart. I know where it's going, and come hell or high water I will get there.

Debatement

I have a few weeks yet to figure it all out, but I am trying to decide on what we do next cycle.

My RE wants to do Cl.omid again, since it worked well last time. That's fine with me. It's much cheaper than injectables, and it worked before.

What we're debating is whether or not to throw in ultrasound monitoring... if we do monitoring I still have a trigger shot we can use (Never mixed it, so it's sitting there calling my name...)

But I didn't need it last cycle... so the ultrasounds could potentially be a waste of money. It may do no good, and then our saved injectable funds would be slightly depleted. But, it could up my chances next cycle... I just don't know what to do.

Hmmm...

Oh, I finally scheduled another pap... I kept forgetting to schedule it. Anyone else ever find that the pap falls to the wayside when undergoing fertility treatments?

Also, we decided to go ahead and start eating seafood. It's just less complicated than trying to find a balance with veggies. I feel bad, but I need to do whatever I can to try and improve things... I guess. I ate some smoked oysters earlier. It didn't come back up, so that's good. My tummy has been a little upset since then though. Wait and see I suppose...