Ch-ch-changes-

A's work is still in the middle of it's... whatever they have going on. They're either going to dissolve, or merge, or something. I know that one option has been taken off the table- the buyout. That option would have favored us considerably and made everything in our life considerably easier.

Our insurance is set to change, and we've found out that this new "better" insurance is much worse. Our co-pay for ER visits is going up by $100, and all other co-pays and prescriptions will be going up by $5. I can't find anything "better" about this insurance, to be honest. Some of the benefits are the same as our previous company/policy, but everything else... no. We're waiting to find out more about the specifics in our coverage (they're mailing us a booklet) but we're pretty much guaranteed that we still won't have infertility coverage, and I'm in the dark about whether I'll get coverage for Lovenox. I'm going to have to call them if A won't... because I need to know this up front.

Bottom line is this: they expect us to pay more each month for an infinitely sub-par policy.

A's boss can't understand why he's so pissed about this.

I know I should be thankful that we have coverage at all. We've lived below the poverty guidelines before, we've lived without insurance, and it's tough out there. I think the thing that pisses me off the most about this is the way A's work just keeps walking. all. over. him. They take him for granted, they aren't paying him what he's worth, and they've done this knowing that he needed this job and why he's stayed here. He stayed for the job security, for the insurance, and because (even though he has 6 years experience in the field) most other companies want a college degree for what he does- and A doesn't have that.

And let's be honest, the timing sucks. The all mighty freakin' awful timing of this. The fact that they want to shake things up after we've already spent MONTHS planning to try for a second child. I've already had blood tests and started medications, and NOW they want to throw this at us. No warning, just, "Hey, we're changing your insurance in less than a month," and, "We're also going to take more out of your paycheck while we're at it. You don't have a problem with that, right? We don't give a fuck if you do anyway. Eh."

They still haven't told us how much more we'll be paying a month. Just, "Oh, well you were paying 10% a month on the last policy, but you'll be paying 30% for this new policy." WTF does that even mean? 30% OF WHAT TOTAL?!

I'd hate to have to push TTC back until March (or next year), but I am starting to wonder if that would be better. A doesn't want to wait though- he's still going to have a job, and we'll still have insurance, and he still has baby fever. I don't like all the unknowns though. I'm a much more reserved and pessimistic (or realistic) person. He's always been puppies and rainbows, while I'm storm clouds and Armageddon. Which, at times is good because I like to think we balance each other out: I keep him grounded while he stops me from drowning in my depression. In this instance though, I worry that his optimism might be blinding him.

I don't know. Maybe it's just my "This shit's getting too real," mentality kicking in, and I've realized that I have 5.5wks left of BCP and we might actually have to enter this quagmire again. And part of me doesn't want to. Part of me would rather cherish another year free of injections and possible bed rest and blood tests, and just enjoy being healthy and taking my son to the zoo. Okay, so most of me wants that. But I really want another child too.

I just... I want another child like all my SILs got another child. Sex. Uneventful pregnancy. BAM. Baby! No bed rest. No injections. No bleeding excessively. No sobbing uncontrollably at the movies or screaming from the bathroom. Pregnancy, the dream society tells us it should be.

I want to be normal.

But that's something that as much as I try, as much as I wish it, I'll never be.