Well, assuming Nombie is still alive... then I'm 20 weeks pregnant today.
A huge milestone, but obviously not the biggest one. Still, making it this far is an accomplishment. Still waiting until around 24 weeks to start buying major stuff... which I know, it's just a month away, but it feels like forever right now. So much can happen in a month.
I let myself buy some maternity clothes today. Plus size maternity doesn't have much to offer, thankfully I don't think I'll be buying much more. As frustrating as that was, it wasn't the only thing I took away from the experience. Being in there felt foreign, and the atmosphere got to me. Everyone was just so happy, so carefree. I heard women with due dates after mine, in January and February, all smiles buying clothes. And I knew that wasn't me, and it wouldn't be me. I'm still shaken from everything I've lived through and been witness too. I celebrate in other ways, I celebrate after each ultrasound that Nombie is still alive, I started window shopping baby things online, small things here and there. But honestly, as far as today is concerned? Getting my car fixed this morning made me way more giddy than buying maternity clothes.
The staff was way over attentive and too excitable; it made me uncomfortable when they asked how far along I am, what the due date is (which always makes people extra smiley since it's due 12/24), and tried to chat about it. I had trouble engaging in the conversation. I don't think I'm ever going to feel okay talking about my pregnancy with strangers (or family/friends for that matter). I can't explain why. Like I'm afraid to jinx it? Or like I'm a poser? Like it's something secret, something that shouldn't be talked about? I don't know how to explain it, I can't even put a finger on exactly what it is. I lost my other pregnancies, and this pregnancy has been so complicated, that I just really feel out of sorts about it even now.
I am very anxious for my anatomy scan on Tuesday. I don't know, the past few days I've just become very anxious. I'm worried that something will be wrong with Nombie... or that Nombie won't be with us anymore. I'm still not feeling movement, and I wish I would... I think that'd help some with the anxiety and make things more real for me. My doppler I bought isn't picking up anything anymore. I've given up on it, I still try it every few weeks... but it seems to be a lost cause. I just wish I had a way to know if Nombie was still alive. I know he was 2 weeks ago, but again... a lot can happen in a short span of time.
I got an informal invite to SIL2's baby shower at the end of the month. If things are still going well, then I'm going to go. I still feel dread about this, not just because I think it's going to be awkward (as all gatherings involving my in-laws and myself are) but also because I'm still scared about baby showers. I KNOW I'm pregnant now, but that hasn't seemed to make things easier. I still get uncomfortable with the way people talk at them, as if babies are done deals and people can get pregnant anytime they want (and when they don't want to). I can't explain it, and I know it's probably not rational, but I can't handle the happy naive talk. I've lost three pregnancies, and I still feel that.
I know my mom is hoping to have a baby shower for me in October, and yes... I even feel dread about my own. My only consolation there is that I can reel my mom in, and that my friends will be guarding me from the stupid comments and putting people in check. At SIL2's shower, I'll be alone... surrounded by people who don't understand what it's like to lose a baby (or multiple ones). I won't have a buffer or any support. It her baby, her shower, and I believe they have every right to do things as carefree as they want. I'll put on a happy face, keep my mouth shut, smile and nod; but I can't ignore the damage in my heart.
People say things that would normally be okay, except what's normal to me now is different than it was before my losses. I remember at SIL1's wedding, it was a month after our first miscarriage, MIL was standing at our table talking to SIL1's MIL. The subject? Well it was a wedding, so they were talking about babies. When was SIL1 and her new husband going to try? Hope they have a girl! On and on they talked, right beside me. MIL knew we'd just lost our first. Did she consider the proximity that she was discussing this? No. People don't typically think about this. It's just one of those things that people don't seem to really get unless they've lived it? It was bad at a wedding, now imagine at a baby shower. With strangers who don't know my history. And now I'm pregnant. And people seem to assume that because I'm pregnant, I'm no longer grieving what I've lost. They seem to assume that I'm "all better now."