Saturday, August 6, 2011

"half baked"-

Well, assuming Nombie is still alive... then I'm 20 weeks pregnant today.

A huge milestone, but obviously not the biggest one. Still, making it this far is an accomplishment. Still waiting until around 24 weeks to start buying major stuff... which I know, it's just a month away, but it feels like forever right now. So much can happen in a month.

I let myself buy some maternity clothes today. Plus size maternity doesn't have much to offer, thankfully I don't think I'll be buying much more. As frustrating as that was, it wasn't the only thing I took away from the experience. Being in there felt foreign, and the atmosphere got to me. Everyone was just so happy, so carefree. I heard women with due dates after mine, in January and February, all smiles buying clothes. And I knew that wasn't me, and it wouldn't be me. I'm still shaken from everything I've lived through and been witness too. I celebrate in other ways, I celebrate after each ultrasound that Nombie is still alive, I started window shopping baby things online, small things here and there. But honestly, as far as today is concerned? Getting my car fixed this morning made me way more giddy than buying maternity clothes.

The staff was way over attentive and too excitable; it made me uncomfortable when they asked how far along I am, what the due date is (which always makes people extra smiley since it's due 12/24), and tried to chat about it. I had trouble engaging in the conversation. I don't think I'm ever going to feel okay talking about my pregnancy with strangers (or family/friends for that matter). I can't explain why. Like I'm afraid to jinx it? Or like I'm a poser? Like it's something secret, something that shouldn't be talked about? I don't know how to explain it, I can't even put a finger on exactly what it is. I lost my other pregnancies, and this pregnancy has been so complicated, that I just really feel out of sorts about it even now.

I am very anxious for my anatomy scan on Tuesday. I don't know, the past few days I've just become very anxious. I'm worried that something will be wrong with Nombie... or that Nombie won't be with us anymore. I'm still not feeling movement, and I wish I would... I think that'd help some with the anxiety and make things more real for me. My doppler I bought isn't picking up anything anymore. I've given up on it, I still try it every few weeks... but it seems to be a lost cause. I just wish I had a way to know if Nombie was still alive. I know he was 2 weeks ago, but again... a lot can happen in a short span of time.

I got an informal invite to SIL2's baby shower at the end of the month. If things are still going well, then I'm going to go. I still feel dread about this, not just because I think it's going to be awkward (as all gatherings involving my in-laws and myself are) but also because I'm still scared about baby showers. I KNOW I'm pregnant now, but that hasn't seemed to make things easier. I still get uncomfortable with the way people talk at them, as if babies are done deals and people can get pregnant anytime they want (and when they don't want to). I can't explain it, and I know it's probably not rational, but I can't handle the happy naive talk. I've lost three pregnancies, and I still feel that.

I know my mom is hoping to have a baby shower for me in October, and yes... I even feel dread about my own. My only consolation there is that I can reel my mom in, and that my friends will be guarding me from the stupid comments and putting people in check. At SIL2's shower, I'll be alone... surrounded by people who don't understand what it's like to lose a baby (or multiple ones). I won't have a buffer or any support. It her baby, her shower, and I believe they have every right to do things as carefree as they want. I'll put on a happy face, keep my mouth shut, smile and nod; but I can't ignore the damage in my heart.

People say things that would normally be okay, except what's normal to me now is different than it was before my losses. I remember at SIL1's wedding, it was a month after our first miscarriage, MIL was standing at our table talking to SIL1's MIL. The subject? Well it was a wedding, so they were talking about babies. When was SIL1 and her new husband going to try? Hope they have a girl! On and on they talked, right beside me. MIL knew we'd just lost our first. Did she consider the proximity that she was discussing this? No. People don't typically think about this. It's just one of those things that people don't seem to really get unless they've lived it? It was bad at a wedding, now imagine at a baby shower. With strangers who don't know my history. And now I'm pregnant. And people seem to assume that because I'm pregnant, I'm no longer grieving what I've lost. They seem to assume that I'm "all better now."

I'm not.


Ranae said...

Can I say yet again that you've got some of the most "out-there" in-laws? And while I don't want to swap, I'd be willing to let you share mine--they're loud and boisterous, but let anyone say anything bad to me, about me, or that might hurt my feelings or make me cry, and they're like the Secret Service, bustling me off to the secret bunker! Know that I am still keeping you, Nombie, and hubby in my prayers--you're not alone and I'm praying just as hard as I can for you guys.

blueeyedtawni said...

i bet nombie is baking and doing the vacation thing sleeping and dreaming and waiting :)

true its hard to get excited when all you want is to see ,to feel , to hear the baby to be okay with knowing a heartbeat is still going.

many hugs to you and sending lots of positive thoughts to you on tuesday.

mommyodyssey said...

I just want to say that I really admire your honesty, and I totally get how you're feeling. I'm three losses in and I don't think I'll ever get to enjoy a pregnancy like a "normal" person. I'm crossing my fingers for you that the anatomy scan goes well! xoxo

Lissie said...

Crossing my fingers for tomorrow!!! I would be terrified about the shower too. I hate them now. Loved them before all this.

mommacommaphd said...

My daughter was also due on 12/24 (of 2009) and was most certainly not feeling movement at this stage. I don't know if I remember the exact time I started feeling movement, but it was probably closer to 7 months. It was a relief to feel it, but especially early on, it's very inconsistent.

Hang in there and good luck with the scan tomorrow.

iamstacey said...

It took me two months longer to feel movement than everyone else who was pregnant at the same time as me! And my hubby only felt it a few times on the outside, even once I could feel it inside. It sucked! I was ALWAYS worried. I don't think until the end I went more than two weeks at a time without rushing to the OB's office with some worry. I think it was a long pregnancy for the OB and me, both. I feel ya, it's beyond hard not knowing.

I wouldn't let my mom buy stuff 'til later on, too. Although I found out much later she went behind my back and bought stuff anyways! At least she didn't tell me.

Rebecca said...

I totally understand you waiting until week 24. One of my friends finally announced her pregnancy with just one trimester left to go. She did IVF twice with the first time resulting in a miscarriage.

As for family...well the heck with them since it seems they just don't understand what you are going through. All that matters is you, Nombie and your spouse. You are your own family.

Nombie is probably just resting a bit. Growing at his rate must be a bit taxing. Imagine if we continued to grow at that rate after puberty? We'd all be giants!

Me said...

If you aren't comfortable having a baby shower ahead of time, why don't you wait and have a welcome home party instead? Then everyone can gather to meet Nombie and celebrate his arrival.

iamstacey said...

"Me" had a great suggestion! My in-laws had a shower for me after Davie was born, and it was so fun to show her off!

AnotherDreamer said...

I'm not really into doing one after since it'll be around Christmas, and it'll be winter here; which means very cold, lots of snow... and lots of germs.

Celia said...

We did not feel movement til the nearly the third trimester. It was being plus sized, plus Peter was behind the placenta so I hardly ever felt anything.