It's amazing how filling out a simple questionnaire for a new doctor can be so emotionally draining. I know that it's hard, it's not the first time I've had to fill these things out, but some days they're just harder to fill out than others.
I'm going to the Maternal Fetal Medicine center in less than 12 hours for my level 2 ultrasound. They mailed me some paperwork to fill out before the appointment, which doesn't seem like a big thing. But then I get into it, and I just want to stop answering the questions. I get so tired of answering them, retelling the stories, reliving it.
Number of pregnancies: 4
Number of living children: 0
Explain: ... (*sigh*)
Then I have to tell them what my diagnoses are, what medications I'm on, what surgeries I've had... The boxes are so small, and my history is too big for them.
That's kind of how I feel about my life though, I've went through too much in 4 years. The years were too few for me to deal with this, not enough time to grieve or to process. Every year, the lists got bigger... the explanations longer. Which in some ways was good because it meant we were getting answers. But in other ways, it just made things harder.
I know I've posted about this before, but honestly I just really needed to get it out right now, because I know that despite filling out this paperwork... they're probably going to ask me a billion questions about it again tomorrow. They always do. I hate that. Why ask me to fill it out, if you're going to verbally ask me about every single detail again?
I'm so tired of having to rehash this out. I've had to retell my story so many times this pregnancy; constantly retelling it to different nurses, doctors, questionnaires. I feel like I should just print out a handy sheet and start passing it around. Before this pregnancy, I didn't have to retell it so often. I had my doctors, and they knew my history, and we knew what the plan was. Suddenly I'm having to tell my story left and right to total strangers, defend my doctors decisions to have me on certain medications, deal with people who have no idea about fertility treatments or clotting disorders... it's exhausting.