tick tock-

Seven days past ovulation now.

Time is really moving slow here. It probably doesn't help that it's been raining like every day for two weeks now. The sun came out for a little bit yesterday, so I guess that's something.

I woke up with a headache today, and it's dark and rainy, and I really don't feel like doing anything. I know I should though. Boo. I would rather go back to bed...

Sister-in-law posted new pics on FB... one was her and a pregnant friend. She labeled the picture that yes they did drink the same water, or something to that effect. Hmmm.

I wonder what it's like to joke about these things like they're the easiest most natural things in the world. There's a lot of things that now set me apart from the general population- I know that pregnancy doesn't always happen, doesn't always result in a living child, and quite frankly it now scares the shit out of me. I could never make jokes about it, or sit back and enjoy it like there's a guarantee somewhere. Some days, I hate what has been taken from me.

But of course, I'm sure I've wrote this post before too.

I'm not trying to be contrary or whiny, I do seriously wonder what it's like. I had one week to think that my first pregnancy would last, before it didn't. I knew that it might not, I knew that there were no guarantees... I stopped believing in those when I was 14 and my niece was still born. I knew there weren't guarantees... but I was hopeful, and in that hopefulness I let myself believe that I would have a baby that year. I can barely remember that week. I've never felt that again, and I won't ever feel that again. Some women get 9 months of feeling that, I only got a week.

And honestly, whether I get pregnant again or not, I will never get to have that again. And I know it. If I get pregnant, I will never breath easy, because perfect doubling betas mean nothing, a gestational sac doesn't always progress into a baby, high progesterone and all the best intentions and medical care can not stop the inevitable. And if I don't get pregnant, I will never have to deal with the worry again either- worrying that this is going to be the day, or this week the week, that the baby stops growing. No worry, and no hope.

hmmm.

Off to distract myself.