I'm feeling much better today.
The house is cleaner than it's been in years, it's been de-cluttered and scrubbed down. The yard is beautiful, the sun is shining, and I am okay. I sat down and re-visited our income versus spending ratio, and realized that if we would just stop buying impulsively, start buying more frugally, start using coupons and looking for deals, stop eating out so much, and just be over all more conscious about our choices- we should be fine. I am still thinking about a second job, or a new full-time position, and I will pursue this soon (working on the resume right now) but for now I am processing, planning, and keeping my eyes open.
I am feeling much better about adoption today- I think we can do this. I know we can. Somehow we can come up with the money for fees and everything else. Up until now, I have been feeling very weighed down by the overall cost of everything, and I realized that this is truly a major part of it all. It is far from the only thing, but it is the biggest thing. And I hate that.
I hate money. I grew up in poverty and I look at money differently than most people, I think. For me, it is the enemy. We never had enough, and everyone else did. I never wanted to be rich, I just wanted to be okay- to have what everyone else had. Sure, being well off would have been nice, but I was fine. We were fine. In the years after high school my husband and I lived on Ramen and canned soups, sometimes we didn't have much, we did without many things. But we didn't need much either.
Right now, we are doing better than I've ever lived in my life- I can buy new clothes from a store and not a thrift store, I can buy new shoes before the old ones soles break, I can buy movies, I can eat out, I don't worry about if the car breaks down because I know we can afford to get it fixed, I don't worry about where the next meal is coming from- we are middle class- I always dreamed of one day being middle class. That's not sarcasm- grow up in poverty, and middle class looks divine. But, as fine as that is, it holds no ground against infertility- and we'll have to live more like we did before to save the kind of money we'll need now.
It's a large chunk of money, an unfathomable amount for me after having lived the life I did- and we're going to have to pay at least part of it up front. That has been weighing heavily on me- but I stepped back the other day and started working on our budget, planning, and looking at our options. It may take years, but it's not as impossible as it feels. It will just take more time, more patience, more faith that it will happen. I will be a mother, and I can do this.
Bottom line, I feel better after deconstructing everything and putting it in a new forward motion.
We are finishing the Clomid today, and after this we will try the Femara. After that, back to birth control pills and a dead serious weight loss goal while we save for adoption.
Taking a break now seems silly- we were just on a break from November until mid March- I just want to get this over with, especially after the drilling. The benefits, if there are any, of ovarian drilling only last 3 months to a year at most. It didn't help me that much, if at all, so if I want to give the Clomid or Femara a chance I need to have at it now. I am not counting on them working, I am more seeking that knowledge that I did do everything I could- there won't be any regrets about trying longer, or trying Femara. I will have done everything in my power to have a biological child, and feel confident and at ease in that knowledge.
Also, I am just ready to be over with this chapter in my life. I have nothing left to give to this dream. I am tired of living on two week increments, on planning life one month at a time. I am tired of putting things on hold. Now, I didn't put my whole life on hold, I earned a B.A. degree while going through this and spent time with good friends, and built a strong marriage- I have enjoyed life- but over everything there has been this pressing weight of infertility dictating what I could do and when. Missing classes because of appointments, missing school because of miscarriages, missing work because of appointments or miscarriages, getting work scheduled around various availabilities rather than when I actually wanted to work... it's draining.
I don't know what to do with this blog anymore, because I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm at an odd transitional stage. I've watched blogs continue moving on with more treatments, move on to new mommy blogs, blogs move from treatments to living child free, read blogs that started with the adoption process and finish it, but honestly I don't think I've never followed a blog where someone stops treatments and starts focusing on adoption solely. Adoption blogs, yes, but not the transition in-between. Right now, I don't know where I am- finishing treatments, starting to move on to adoption, wondering if I should keep posting here or move on to a new blog, or stop blogging all together.
I guess we'll see where it goes in the coming months, and take it from there.
Oh, sister-in-law found out she's having a boy. It kind of makes it easier. Good thing I was working on a blue baby blanket already- it's a nice shell cluster pattern, and it's working out well.
It's turning out very pretty, I think.