Sunday, May 3, 2009

Sorting

I think I may be coming down with a cold. Or maybe it's allergies. Heck, maybe it's sw.ine.f.lu.

I doubt it's the latter, and assume it's one of the first two choices.

I am waiting to see if I ovulate, still. It's cycle day 14, and I am terrified it just ain't gonna happen. Quick reminder, this is my seventh cycle of Clomid. Of which only two have been ovulatory. The two cycles I ovulated on Clomid before were on cycle days 16 and 15... and I'm terrified I won't even get that again. I mean, not getting pregnant this cycle? I'd be okay with that, I'd accept it. But to not even ovulate... it'd be a sore kick in the pants, to say the least.

Still researching adoption, parenting after adoption, and so forth. Just gathering knowledge, feeling like I'm drowning in if's and when's, and then's. If we do this, then we can do this when... etc...

I really don't know what to write about on that front. We're researching, and the option is sounding really awesome. Most of the time. Then there are days when I feel like I'm overwhelmed in what will be required of us. It's a lot to think about.

I'm coming to terms slowly with what it would mean to lose that genetic link, and I know that it will take more time still. I have all the time I need, and I am thinking about it daily.

Some days I can not wait for October to get here so that we can begin the training classes. Other days, I am terrified.

I mean, you always think you'll start out with a baby and work your way into potty training, big kid beds, school... but if we adopt? We may be jumping right into it all, depending on the age we're open to. Which, right now, we think the oldest would be 6. Don't think us obstinate or anything, it's just that 6 years ago I was 18. And it just seems more natural to have a child that is in the age range that seems reasonable for my age.

I would really prefer a baby or a toddler, because I don't want to miss out on that experience. But, I also realize that the baby phase only lasts a short while, while being a parent is forever. It's just that you spend so long imagining yourself pregnant, or having a baby; I mean, I always thought I would have that experience in my lifetime. I truly did, and I kept thinking it even through all these cycles of Clomid.

But, after clomid cycle after clomid cycle, after miscarriage after miscarriage... I can't see it anymore. I can't imagine it. Whether I want to or not, I am letting go of the dream of being pregnant. I don't want to let go of the dream of having a baby too, but I am slowly releasing it as well. It's a process, to say the least. It's hard to reprogram your brain and rewire your heart.

I feel like everything is so up in the air right now.
And really, it is.

I am either going to ovulate and get pregnant.
Or, ovulate, get pregnant, and miscarry.
Or, ovulate and not get pregnant, and try another cycle.
Or I am going to not ovulate... and then-
Either take a few months off and then try injectables
Or quit trying biologically... and move on to adoption solely and completely.

There are so many options right now, and no one knows what will happen.
Heck, I could die in the time I am waiting for my life to come together.
All options require time to complete.
Making a baby takes almost a year... in my case it's been two already ;) Adoption takes a year to get approved. And we have no idea how long it would take to find our forever child.

A lot can happen in all this time.

Which brings me back to waiting.
Always waiting.
(*sigh*)

Oh, tomorrow makes one year since I started miscarrying my first pregnancy.
(*sigh*)

7 comments:

shannon said...

I pray so hard for you that it works this cycle! What mg of clomid are you on? I will keep you in my prayers!

Kristin said...

I'm so sorry you are still waiting. {{{Hugs}}} and praying this cycle works.

WiseGuy said...

What a sad reminder coming up....So sorry!

Hugs.

G & H said...

till researching adoption, parenting after adoption, and so forth. Just gathering knowledge, feeling like I'm drowning in if's and when's, and then's. If we do this, then we can do this when... etc...

I really don't know what to write about on that front. We're researching, and the option is sounding really awesome. Most of the time. Then there are days when I feel like I'm overwhelmed in what will be required of us. It's a lot to think about.


We too are so overwhelmed with it all and its so hard! Just trying to remind myself constantly GOd is in control and HE makes no mistakes!

G$ said...

Hang in there hun. I am thinking good thoughts for this clom00d to work for you.
xox

Bluebird said...

So overwhelming. So exhausting. Such a process. I'm so sorry.

As wearying as it is, though, I'm proud of you for looking forward; thinking ahead; taking steps. . .

wereyoulookingforme said...

I'm here, waiting with you. Though I don't know what we're waiting for yet. :-( I am hoping this cycle works and that you ovulate, get pregnant, stay pregnant and have a healthy baby. I don't like those other options.