Saturday, May 9, 2009

Quick rant

Already I am getting asinine comments about adoption.
Why do I feel like there will be plenty more where these gems came from?
(Mind you, this is just a summary of our long conversation...)

She said, "You know, adopting that way you won't be able to get a baby."

"I may not be able to, I know. But I am hoping for an infant or toddler, or at most about six years old."

"Well, you don't want an older one. You don't want one that's ruined."

Awkward silence.

I said, "Children can't be ruined. They have situations they need to work through and deal with. They can't be ruined, they're children."

She replied, "Yeah, but if they've been sexually abused they'd have serious issues. You can't understand that. They would be ruined."

"No, they wouldn't be. They'd have issues, and we'd work through them together. You can't just write kids off because they've been through a trauma. And don't think I am not aware of possible issues, I am reading books on parenting after adoption, I'm researching. I know there will be ongoing issues that I would have to work through with my child. And I am learning how to handle them."

Her response, "Okay, okay. Well, I need to be going."

Oi. Which brings me to my next adventure:
How to inform the people, in our lives, about adoption.

I was thinking we'll either have to actually sit down with them and explain things, as far as the process of adoption and about raising adopted children.

Or, I could find something to print off for them.

Or, even better, I could type up my own little information packets...

I don't know yet, but I do know this: we need to make sure they realize what's going on, how it will affect us and the child(ren), and how they should handle things about our situation (social issues, private issues, child's specific issues, the whole caboodle.)

There are so many issues to consider with adoption. I don't even know where to begin, it's all swirling around in my brain right now. Issues of the adoption itself, how it affects others, how it affects us as a family unit, transracial adoption (I'm not particularly concerned about this though. I come from a very multicultural family. I love it. I'll explain this in another post though.) So, lots of things to consider, and plenty of time to do so. But, we do need to let people know what is acceptable, and what is not (Like saying I don't want a "ruined" child.... totally not acceptable language use.)

I still can't believe she said that.


Kristin said...

OMG...I know people say stoopid unacceptable things but that comment takes the cake.

You know, I bet Lori over at Weebles Wobblog would be willing to help you come up with a plan of action for how to tell people. She is a sweetheart.

Celia said...

God help us all. I think I would have smacked her.

Shelby said...

Oh, wow. I certainly hope this person is not a parent or ever plans on becoming one. To have that type of ignorant and heartless opinion of a child's nature (ruined??) is disgusting. I hope for your sake you do not need to deal too much with this person on a daily basis.

Dora said...

Ugh! How incredibly awful! I can only imagine the kinds of insensitive things she says to people in general.

I agree with Shelby. I hope she doesn't have or plan to have children.

Another Dreamer said...

Shelby and Dora... she has children. And grandchildren.

For privacy's sake I am not disclosing this individual's name, so that neither they nor any of my future children read this and know how this person felt. But I will say that it is someone I would have to deal with on an at least monthly basis. Unfortunately.

Anonymous said...

Yes, well as a "ruined" child I was probably not worth the effort. Yet surprisingly I managed to become a contributing member of society.

MrsSpock said...

Two things:
It breaks my heart that an adult could think a child is ruined, like an old pair of shoes that should be tossed away. I was neglected, physically abused, and terrorized by mentally ill family members. But I don't feel ruined.

And second, I commend you for recognizing her enormous error, and continuing to learn about how to help these children.

At the conference, one of the adoptive families mentioned parenting their older, Russian daughters was very difficult, especially the first couple of years, but they never regretted it. They were honest and real. They did suggest that they had to change their normal parenting style, to a therapeutic parenting style, in order to help their daughters.

Cara said...

Wow - just wow. I'm with Kristin- if anyone would have the right words and resources it would be Lori.

This would just fire her up!