Monday, May 11, 2009

Ha ha

Well, my BBT is quite the prankster.

No ovulation for me. I guess it really is a good thing I did not read too much into it.

Now the dilemma. I don't want to pay for a progesterone draw, out of pocket, to prove I did not ovulate. I don't want to pay for an ultrasound out of pocket, since my ovaries no longer hurt. Which, by the way, when I asked how that would be coded, should I decide to go through with it? The nurse told me that it would depend on what they found. What the hell? If I'm going in for pelvic pain, you better damn well code it as pelvic pain bitch.

Do I sound whiney, angry, unreasonable? Why yes, I do. I hate sounding like that, being like that... but that's infertility for you. It is unreasonable, it makes me angry, it makes me feel whiney.

I do no want to dip out of my saved money to pay for these things. I don't. I would rather use that money towards home repairs, geared with a future homestudy in mind. It's an old house, it does need a little TLC.

Of course, if I don't get these things done they'll tell me we can't do another cycle. Which, were we even planning on doing another cycle in the first place? I wouldn't mind trying CloMood one more time, for shits and giggles, but at a cost of about $522 just to be allowed to try it? No, I would rather not. Not on a last ditch effort that will likely not pay off. And if we did injectables, it wouldn't be until the end of summer anyway. But right now, this week, money is really tight due to unforeseen bills and expenditures. I didn't set money aside to waste on getting poked and prodded. I wasn't expecting that I would be. I mean, I knew I'd have to get a P4 if I ovulated, and that's fine... but to pay it to show that I did not? That's not only a waste of my money, but it's depressing. Don't try to give me false hope, just accept the hopelessness of it all. I have.

I hate that the nurse doesn't believe me... even though I like to think I know my body.

I hate that I know my body, and have accepted that I have ovaries that sit as quiet as a post-menopasual woman... and that they've been this way since I was 21. Maybe even longer.

I hate that I can't do this thing that seems so simple, that I never doubted I'd be able to do... until I couldn't do it.

I hate this unwanted path, and I hate that I didn't know... I had hope of it leading somewhere better, but I didn't know that it would be a dead end all along.

10 comments:

jill said...

Just wanted to send you a *hug*. I don't have experience with losses but I can sympathize big time with malfunctioning ovaries and hopelessness. I hope things get better for you very soon.

Michelle said...

I know exactly what you are saying. This whole thing is frustrating and then dealing with money issues just make it suck all that much more! Hang in there! You are not alone.

Kristin said...

I'm so sorry. Lots of {{{hugs}}} and support coming your way.

Penny said...

seems like either way you wouldn't need additional tests. Either clomid works or it doesn't, and if you aren't pregnant then I would guess you'd still be offered the same choices: more clomid or injectibles. It's weird if the doc office actually requires blood tests out of you for a clomid cycle.

Another Dreamer said...

Penny, they usually only require it if I have ovulated, and that's just to check the quality of ovulation and to confirm it did happen. Which is why I'm really PO'ed about having to do it now, since I normally don't have to when my body fails to cooperate. But they just don't trust my temps or anything this cycle... trying to claim that they might not be reliable this time because of the miscarriage.

I don't buy it.

Tara said...

Wishing you peace. I hope things get better soon.

Celia said...

They can bite us, I hate wasting money on things like that. I think you are right to spend the money on your house. I am super impressed with your house skilz, I am pretty bad at repairs.

birdsandsquirrels said...

I totally understand about not wanting to pay out of pocket for unnecessary blood draws or ultrasounds. That sucks. My RE was not generous at all in the way of coding things so that insurance would cover it. Every single ultrasound was $149 out of pocket. I seriously was considering going back to my ob/gyn for a Femara cycle, since insurance always covered those ultrasounds no questions asked.

I'm sorry that your doc won't prescribe Femara. It's unfortunate that is has such a scary reputation thanks to one small, poorly designed study. The risk of birth defects is if you take it WHILE you are pregnant. Because of that, I took several hpts after I got AF and before starting Femara on day 5, just to be sure.

I'm sorry that this whole process sucks so much.

Mr. Shelby said...

another dreamer,
I left you an important email to the gmail account you leave in your comments on my blog. Check it out, let me know if you need me to resend it.

Mr. Shelby
mrshelby at waitingforourpod.com

janis said...

URGH!
I hate that you have to go through all this. Sending you strength and peace...
Also, those adoption comments?? SHEESH!