Where do we go from here?

I lost my first baby... my miscarriage was confirmed today with my beta numbers going down.

I don't know what to do right now... but I have hope... I start fertility medication next month, so I don't have to be in limbo about that. I will be able to Ov next month... no wondering if it will ever happen.

But I will never be able to forget my miracle baby...
he wasn't supposed to exist... and so he's all the more special.

I don't actually know if it was a boy or a girl... but while I was in the hospital I kept imagining it as a boy for some reason... and thinking his name was Sebastian.... and he's gone now....
He was never meant to be....
And so he never will.

I miss you Baby.

What hurts even more is that no one will know he existed. We didn't tell everyone, only a few select people... should I tell my MIL and FIL that our first baby died? Or should I simply tell them he existed?

How does this work... I can't hold him, or hold a service for him... I can't do anything other than mourn him silently... he's gone, he's gone, he's gone...

I barely even knew he existed... but I loved him and imagined sharing my life with him just he same... and he's gone. he is gone. gone.