Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Hanging in the balance

I'm still waiting for an answer... forcing myself to stay awake just in case they call.
I feel like I am about to pass out, but I can't. I have to, NEED to, know.
Is my baby still growing?

I sat at my computer and tried to distract myself... I opened my university email.
My professor let me know I won an award for my piece of short fiction; first place in the competition no less.
My story called, "Life Force".. about a woman and her husband and their ordeal with infertility... and the proceeding loss of their son. Strange how that echoes now.

I stick around my infertility forums often enough, and I understand that suffering and loss are often interconnected in this hidden realm. Let's face it, with infertility you usually have a higher chance of miscarriage depending on what causes the said IF. Take PCOS... increased chance of loss. It's as if the suffering isn't enough... life has to give us more.

Ever since I found out I was pregnant I have been terrified of losing it. And now here I am, waiting on a phone call to tell me whether my pregnancy is still viable of not. Am I even still pregnant? Is my baby alive? My little emby?

I should be crying, and I have been off and on... but mostly I just feel disconnected. I am buoyant in this limbo, waiting to find out if I should sink, or rise. When is my phone going to ring?

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