Wednesday, May 7, 2008

People are Jerks

I have to deal with the loss of my emby, and the stupidity of the fertile jerk faces.
Why do people think that my saying, "It could be worse." would negate my pain in any way shape or form? How could losing my child be worse? This is my pain here, my baby, my first born child.
Perhaps I would hurt more if it had been older, yes... but it was still my child and how dare that make it sound as if I am being immature or something for losing it.

How dare they insinuate that my feelings are invalid... what, because it could be worse I should be happy? I should be happy that my baby died now, instead of later down the road?

Even people who have experienced loss remind me that, "It could be worse."
Apparently the whole fucking world thinks that it's okay when a baby dies.
Ya know why? Because it could have been fucking worse.

Fuck them. This was MY worst. Let them lose their fucking baby and then tell me how they feel.
They didn't have to hear the words, "I'm so sorry... unfortunately the numbers are lower." They didn't pour their heart into creating this little being, only to have it fucking ripped away from them.

How is it EVER okay for a baby to die!
Yet they devalue my fucking pain.

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

And they remind me I can have another baby... I wanted THIS baby!
I know I will have another, but this was and will always be my first baby!
My poor baby, to good for this world.

On top of it I have to wait the month out, waiting for my body to "take care" of the miscarriage. I have to wait for my body to start expelling my lining and my baby. It's trying to, I can feel the uterus contracting and it hurts! My uterus feels bruised anyways, and then this pain, and the emotional pain... I feel like I am melting into a pool of despair.

Maybe those damn fertile people don't understand this, but I waited for what felt like forever for this pregnancy. I dreamt about holding this baby, I dreamt of changing it's diapers, feeding it, holding it's body in my arms... I almost believed that this was it.
It wasn't.
My dream baby is gone.
I built this baby in my head before I even conceived it. I called it mine.
I waited and waited for THIS baby, and like that * it's gone.

Why can't I be fertile?
Why can't I have my baby?
I miss him, even though I barely knew him.


Antigone said...

I think empathy is completely lacking in most people. It's like they think we can just hit 'Reset' and start over as if nothing ever happened.

Betsy said...

I just came across and began reading your blog. I am dealing with infertility (annovultion) myself. Your posts (and I've only gotten through a handful so far, from the beginning here-2008, are so moving. Your writing is so raw and real. I can totally relate to your emotions. I am looking forward to reading on!