Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Knock out

After my grandmother's funeral I discovered I had a cold... or flu... who knows.

I've been knocking myself out frequently, and fighting tears.

I just start crying, and I don't even know why... at least on the surface I don't.

DH was at work, and I started bawling for no reason... then I looked to the mantle and bawled some more... the sleeping cherub sat, doing nothing really, except reminding me.
And I sat and bawled for a good 30 minutes.

Later that night I just stared bawling again, nothing in particular had happened.
I was just laying down for bed.
And I let go.

My professors are bound to think I'm making up excuses for missing class at this point.
I've only been to class maybe 3 times this month...
I mean, how many people go through this many things in a month?
I lost my baby, I lost my grandma, and then I got a fever of 101F and my nose turned into a leaky faucet.

I'm counting down the days until my doctor appt. on the 3rd.
I'm excited about trying again, because I have to do something.
But I'm also scared. I was scared before, before I lost... And now I'm even more frightened.
And, I know that I'll still be mourning, but I have to do something.
I want a baby, I had one and I will always miss him, but I want to try again.
Trying doesn't mean I'll get pregnant anyways, it just means that I will be moving forward.
I have to keep moving.

I have 2-3 months off school coming up.
I'm going to focus on:
1. Making another baby... and tending to the tree out back that we planted for the one we had.
2. Working on writing (Either more short stories, or one of my novels. I need to get around to publishing something... the stuff I published for free in the university publications does not count.)
3. Home repairs

I need to do something.
I should probably clean my house.
I haven't *really* cleaned it since I started miscarrying on the 4th.
That's a long time for nasties to accumulate.

And thanks to the ladies (Antigone and Marie) who left comments. I appreciated them.
Thank you so much.

1 comment:

janis said...

I just wanted to come here and reach back out to you. Hugs to you for your losses, each monumental regardless of how long they stayed with you. I am so sorry for the pain and heartache. And best wishes for trying, for moving on. Thinking of you.