Saturday, May 24, 2008

Who is it

These past couple of days I have been given to spontaneous tears.

They come without warning sometime. While sometimes they are self induced.

Sometimes they have been for my grandmother.
Sometimes they have been my unborn child that I carried for 3 weeks.
Sometimes they have been for the child I may never have.
Sometimes they are for my lost dreams.
Ultimately they are all for myself.

My grandmother passed without pain. She was happy, welcoming her death.
She saw it as a means to be with grandpa again. They were together for over 60 years.
She couldn't wait. When she woke from her comma for brief periods of time I am told she smiled.
How can I be sad for her passing when I know she's happy now?
Instead I cry for my loss of her. I feel the emptiness, that vacancy in my life. This place that she held can never be fulfilled by anyone else. As I grew she filled that niche, and it will always be her place in my heart.

My baby, my lost one. I hope he felt no pain in his short existence. That he left as peacefully as he was created. I cry for him leaving, for not staying, for me not getting to hold him... but ultimately I cry for myself in the end. *I* will never hold him. *I* will never get to caress his sleeping face, tuck him in at night, feed him as my breast... I have lost. He went swiftly into the night, no suffering in life, no suffering in death. He left quickly... and he's not alone, wherever he is. I am, in heart. Yes, DH is here for me. He loves me. He's caring for me... but he's not the one I want. I want my baby.

But it's so unfair of me to cry for myself. I keep shedding tear, after tear, for *my* loss. I cried for my baby, I cried for my grandma, but then the grief came full circle and I realized what hurt me the most. Not that they had died, but that I may never see them again. Not in this life.
I would not feel their hand in my hand.
I will walk alone.
Both are lost to me, and I want them back so badly.
But grandma is happy with grandpa...
but what about my baby?
Is he with them? Is he alone...
Will I ever see him, this face I keep trying to imagine in my mind. This baby that I never got to hold....

I feel selfish feeling sorry for myself this month.
But I can't help it.

The month started with me losing my baby, and is ended with me losing my grandmother too.
What else horrible can happen before the month is over?
If one more person dies... if I lsoe anyone else...
will I survive?

1 comment:

Antigone said...

I know that feeling. I feel like I'm on the verge of breaking. No, shattering. Somehow we keep moving forward. There's no way out but through.