Impressions

I keep getting the impression that everyone thinks I am being irrational because my baby wasn't a "real" baby.

Everyone telling me that it could have been worse, telling me I ill have another baby, telling me it was God's plan...

My mother said it could have been worse, I could have carried it longer, been more attached... I tried to explain to her that I WAS attached to this baby, that it's never okay when a baby dies, that I waited longer for my child and suffered for it more than she'd understand, that it was my baby...

And she had told me I couldn't understand now, that when Am- died she had to grieve for her grand baby...

Am- died ten years ago this year, she was still born on her due date... this was my sister's first baby. My mother never held her, Am- never took a breath... I understand that she was a baby that could be seen. etc... but does that make my baby not matter?

Why doesn't my baby deserve to be mourned? Why doesn't my baby matter?
Why is it okay to grieve Am-, and not my baby?

Everyone seems to be acting as if *I* am irrational for mourning this baby...

but no one else is mourning my baby except A- and I.
No one else cares that this little miracle is gone.
No one is marking it's passing.
No one else is ever going to love it and hold it in their hearts...
because it wasn't a "real" baby.

It might have been an embyro, but in my heart it was a "real" baby...
I waited for it for so long.
I changed my life for it,
I took medicine,
I reorganized my priorities and labored away to make this miracle happen.
I dreamt of this baby for years, suffered through infertility, knew that it might not happen, that it may never exist, knew that if it did happen it may never happen again. And like that it was gone.

I had one week of knowing I was pregnant before the dream came crashing down...

and no one understands what I am going through except for infertility forum friends... because unfortunately infertility comes with increased miscarriage risks. For various reasons... people who suffer to get pregnant almost always suffer at least one loss... usually multiple losses.

I'm just venting here... I am so frustrated because I just keep getting the impression that people think I am being irrational.
That me mourning, grieving my child, is irrational because in their eyes they don't see my baby as a "real" baby... and it's making me sick to the stomach.
As much as I try to make them understand, they can't.
And I know that they won't unless they suffer the same thing...
and I pray to the great spirit that they never do...
because it hurts... in every sense of the word.