4 months out-

V is four months old today. I really don't know where the time is going. He started rolling over the other day, just a couple of times but it's a start. He's definitely started grabbing more. He likes his Jumparoo- it's really good for him since he likes standing, and it's got the toys/music/lights to keep him playing. He continues to fight sleep during the day; some days it's not so bad, others it's very frustrating. He blows raspberries, squeals, and laughs a lot more. It's awesome watching him grow.

I'm really excited about this coming year. I've spent so many years in uncertainty that I'm really enjoying the moment and looking forward of things to come. I can't remember the last time I've felt this way.

I keep thinking about how awesome next Christmas will be. Last Christmas was the best one in years- before that one, we'd given up all hope of a biological child. I remember that Christmas, we'd filled our "Wish" ornament with our wishes, and then we told them to each other. Our wishes were the same- that we'd get enough money for adoption, and for a house. While neither of those wishes came true, I wouldn't trade what we have now for the world. Things aren't perfect- far from it- but they're wonderful.

Don't Ignore Your Resources

When it comes to infertility, I think one of the most important things you can do is utilize your resources. Resources come in many shapes and forms, it can be a family member, a friend, social networking sites, online forums, your local library; they all hold knowledge. Now, you shouldn't be your own doctor on this journey, but I find it crucial that you be your own advocate. Know what questions to ask. Be your own advocate, even if it makes you uncomfortable, even if you're afraid of confrontation, ask questions anyway. Doctors are not gods, they don't hold all the answers as much as we want them too.

When I started out, I didn't even know how the female reproductive cycle worked. I read books like Taking Charge of Your Fertility and remedied that. I didn't know about the latest treatments available, I talked to my doctor, I read books, I asked online, I met up with women who've been through this. I felt less alone, and I felt empowered. By learning what I could, I was able to make an educated decision to leave my former reproductive doctor and search for one better suited to my needs. If I has stayed with him, I might not have my son. I was able to ask the right questions of my new doctor, to suggest treatments that I was more comfortable with, and work together with my doctor to meet our goal.

I spent those four years on a quest for knowledge. In return, I've been able to advise friends and family about what they should ask their doctors too. I've taken from others, and I've given. But my biggest piece of advice has always been this: Be your own advocate. Use the resources you have available.

Today is the start of National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW),
for more information please visit Resolve.org

• http://www.resolve.org/infertility101  (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)
• http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About NIAW)

A month down-

It's been about a month since I planned to start working on weight loss, and the first month hasn't went so well. It had a really bumpy start, but since I stopped nursing I've done much better. I've been religiously watching my calories since April 1st. I'm doing pretty well so far, I try to keep it below 1800cal/day for right now, but eventually I'd like to take it down to 1500cal/day. In the past, 1500 has been my magic number, but 1800 is working pretty good for now. So far I've lost about 4lbs, if my home scale is to be believed.

As for exercising... still not much going on there. I really need to get on that, but little man is so clingy and he fights sleep like a master. At night, he gets extremely cranky because he gets overtired, from the lack of naps, then at midnight he passes out for the night. Whew. Once the weather gets better, I really do want to start taking him for walks but right now I feel very strapped for time. The most exercise I get day to day is walking V from the living room to the kitchen, and back and forth, back and forth, all night... and if I'm very lucky, cleaning! I try to look at cleaning as multipurpose- I burn calories, and the house looks better. It's truly a win-win. Still, I would really like to get back on the treadmill.

I re-measured my waist/hip/neck to compare to last year to see where things stand. Surprisingly, my neck and waist are the same... but my hips are 2 inches bigger (from the pouch I have on my lower belly). I guessed as much, since my pants fit different there (and I have eyes that can see it) but I didn't realize it was 2 whole inches larger. It's so weird being the same weight but having a different body shape. Well, I take that back... I'm now the same weight, I'm 4lbs lighter now. Ha.

I started regular BCP to control my PCOS. I almost didn't get them because of my clotting issues, but since mine are minor and I take a low-dose aspirin a day it should be fine. BCP has always helped me a lot in the past. Besides regulating me (since I don't ovulate) it also helps with pesky PCOS symptoms. And it works wonders at preventing my cysts, and getting rid of existing ones. I really don't want to worry about cysts right now. So, here's hoping it does it's thing.

I would post a progression picture, but there really isn't much progress. I look exactly the same in each photo. Yuck. Hopefully next month I'll see some changes...

Little steps-

So, I stopped breastfeeding. After I finished the Reglan, my supply dropped so low that I couldn't even nurse him in the morning anymore. I made it to 1 day shy of 3 months, and I know that's the best I could do. What I was pumping really wasn't worth the time and effort it was taking, so I am at peace with this. Honestly, I spent too much time getting frustrated and crying over it, so it was a huge relief when I stopped. I still miss it, but I know it was time to let it go.

Allowing my milk to dry up sucked. It was painful, and I kept second guessing myself, but it's over now.

I'm switching from the mini-pill to a regular estrogen/progesterone pill now.* Hopefully that will help with my PCOS symptoms, goodness knows I need it. I'm still on the Metformin, but that only helps me so much. Meanwhile, the pill should prevent cysts for me at least and give me a regular cycle since I don't do that on my own.

As for the weight loss... yeah, I haven't been on the treadmill in awhile. But, since I stopped breastfeeding, I've been watching my calories. I'm in week one, otherwise known as the hunger stretch! I always find the first couple of weeks the hardest, as my body adjusts. I feel hungry all the time, but it's not a bad hunger. It's bearable, I mean I'm not starving, I'm just wishing for more. I know that once I adjust, it'll be fine. Getting there can be tough though! So no real progress to report but I'm taking it a step at a time.

I really need to get motivated on the exercise. Maybe schedule out some time for A to watch V while I work out- and then, no excuses for not getting it done. I really want to start jogging regularly again, and I do miss yoga too. The weather is starting to get nicer, so I want to start taking V for walks in his stroller too. I think he'd like that anyway.

*eta: I don't know if I'm switching now. The nurse was concerned about my clotting disorders and taking estrogen pills. I think since mine are minor clotting issues, and I'm on low-dose aspirin, it should be fine, but what do I know. So I guess we'll see what happens. I have to talk to them again Monday. I may need to consider other options there.

This time last year-

It's hard to believe where we were at this time last year. We'd already had our consult with my RE where she told us she knew she could get us pregnant again, but as far as carrying to term she didn't know... she said eventually, in theory, I should be able to but that she couldn't guarantee it. That was such a hard conversation. I left feeling so hopeless. The only reason we tried one more time was because she offered to donate us the medication we would need... or as I like to say, she bribed us to give it one last try.

And it worked.

At this time last year, we were growing a ton of follicles for our IUI. By April 2nd, we had around 6 mature and several measurable (but not quite mature). Any other person, and they probably would have canceled. But not me, with my womb of doom. Thank goodness they let us go ahead, because we caught one. One beautiful perfect egg, which turned into our darling son.

This time last year was so difficult. I mean, it's easy enough to try not to think about it, but it's impossible to forget it. How could I forget getting a positive test the week of our four year anniversary of trying? How could I forget that I was already spotting, bleeding, and terrified. My response of "Oh, shit," and feeling so defeated as if we'd already lost. My progesterone was so low, and I was stuck in beta hell for so long. My cramps were painful, the bleeding too heavy, that it felt just like the others. The ones I'd lost. All the symptoms of a miscarriage, but not a miscarriage.

That heartbeat just a couple weeks later was so beautiful. It was the most wonderful thing I'd ever seen, and that little being that I saw start, still amazes me each day.

I remember the horror a few weeks later, after just seeing arm buds and the heart still beating, what happened next. That exact moment is forever burned into my mind. I remember eating enchiladas, watching Doctor Who, and feeling pressure. I remember standing up, and finding myself covered in blood. I remember shaking. Screaming. Crying. Rushing to the hospital... and finding out that he was still alive. They weren't very positive that things would stay that way, but that night, despite the horrifying amount of blood loss and clots passed, he was still with us.

I don't take my son for granted for one moment. I try not to think about the horror of what I went through. It's easy enough to ignore most of the time, now that it's over. But I can never forget what I went through, the extreme terror that I would lose him just like I lost the other ones. There were beautiful moments and there was a living nightmare battling it out. I never expected things to be so bad, or to end so wonderfully. This time last year, I just expected to get another negative and to spend the next year trying to figure out how I could move on with my life.

My son's story is an epic to me. It was filled with great highs, and terrible lows. When I look at him, I think about how we beat it. How together, we won the battle against my body. And at this time last year, I never even imagined any of this could be possible. I never imagined I could be sitting with him today, listening to him coo. I never imagined I could actually be changing diapers, cuddling him while he sleeps on my chest, or giving him baths. I just knew that one way or another, we would be moving on.

It's painful to remember what I went through last year, but like I said, it wasn't all bad. There really were some wonderful moments. Like every time I heard his heart beating, or when I felt him move, his first breath as he wailed outside my womb. My little survivor.

It's so strange to think this all started just a year ago. It feels like a lifetime.

Transitions-

V is growing at such an amazing rate. Two weeks ago he discovered his toys, and just this past week he's learned how to spit. Now he plays with his ball all the time, and proceeds to get frustrated because he just can not get it in his mouth. Gotta love that he tries, ha. And the spitting... oh, sweet word. He spits all the time now. There is slobber everywhere. Parenthood... everything I thought it'd be :)

Of course, with his growth comes changes. He's officially too big for his bassinets... I haz a sad. We'll be transitioning him to his playards this weekend. Yeah, I was just not ready to put him in his nursery so we're keeping him in our room a bit longer. I know I'll have to let it go eventually, but he's not even 3 months and I'm just not there yet.

Nursing is on it's way out. As I mentioned, things just aren't going well at all. No matter what I do, I can't seem to make enough. As he eats more, the percent of breast milk he gets goes down. Right now, we're only doing about 50/50. And it really doesn't feel worth the stress it puts me through, not to mention the pain, the time consumption, him being upset with me... I know it's not really worth it. I've just been hanging on because I'm not ready to let go. I only have two days worth of Reglan, so I might stop this week. I may push it for a couple more weeks, but I think I just need to let it go already. I did my best, and that's all I can do.

I have several things I'm mentally processing, but I just don't have time to tend them. I suppose they're for another post.

Struggling with PCOS and weight-

PCOS made my struggle to become a mother an uphill battle. It's made managing my weight hell. I know my lifestyle choices haven't helped that. However, before I got pregnant I had started jogging every other day, watching my calories, I increased my Metformin to 2,000mg a day, and really took charge of my PCOS. I lost 25lbs between January and March last year, and it felt amazing.

So far this year I've managed to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight and maintain it. But that's it. Because of breast feeding I haven't been able to restrict my calories for fear of further damaging my already low supply so my weight has stagnated. I believe it's slowly creeped back up a pound or two, but I'm afraid to look at the scale.

Anyone with PCOS can understand what a big deal weight management can be for us. It takes diligent effort for most of us just to maintain our weights, let alone lose weight. Right now, I know there isn't much I can do so I'm just trying to do what I can. I'm trying to get back to jogging, but between pumping, feeding, and entertaining V I really don't have much time or energy. I know I need to, but it's just really complicated right now.

I feel like breast feeding is the biggest complication by far though. Pumping every 3 hours is time consuming, it takes up a half hour of my free time I could use for other things (like cleaning, or cooking, or jogging...), not only that but I have to wait until V is napping or otherwise satisfied so I can pump. Then when I'm done pumping, it's time to feed him or entertain him. Before I know it, it's time to pump again. This cycle repeats from the time we get up at noon, until 1am. I do try to get the housework done in the evenings when A is here, but I really hate to bombard him with the baby every night as soon as he gets home from work. So, on the rare occasions I feel up to jogging I have to time it just right and make sure A is available. It's a lot of work.

I plan to stop breast feeding in a month or two. I gave it my best shot, but ever since the Mastitis/Cellulitus incident my supply has been low. It got increasingly lower for whatever reason (LCs and OB are blaming PCOS), and right now I'm barely making half what he needs. I'm getting to the point where I feel like the negatives of this situation are outweighing any benefits. I'm frustrated. I've done Fenugreek, Goat's Rue, Mother's Love Special Blend, Reglan, power pumping... and I'm still only making about 2oz a pumping session. It really doesn't seem worth it some days. So my old goal was to breast feed until one year, but my new goal is to make it to three months... maybe four. I feel like there are just so many negatives to this situation right now though. I don't have any time, I feel like I'm always chained to the pump, I get frustrated easier because of that, I don't make nearly enough anyway, also it hurts, and I can't do what I need to for my own health. I don't want to quit, but at the same time I am beyond ready to.

Once I stop nursing I'm going to start watching my calories again, in addition to the jogging. So I have a tentative plan in place. So now, I just need to focus on jogging and I need to hold myself accountable. So, here I am starting out:

weight 227lbs

That's my largest side due to my slight humpback (Have I ever told you how much Scoliosis sucks? Because it does.) Hurrumph.

It feels weird that I'm the same weight I was pre-pregnancy, but my body is not the same shape. My clothes all fit different, and I have a pouch on my lower belly. I'm hoping exercise will help me firm that up some... we'll see.

Anyway, so this is me holding myself accountable. I better stick to this.