Friday, March 30, 2012

This time last year-

It's hard to believe where we were at this time last year. We'd already had our consult with my RE where she told us she knew she could get us pregnant again, but as far as carrying to term she didn't know... she said eventually, in theory, I should be able to but that she couldn't guarantee it. That was such a hard conversation. I left feeling so hopeless. The only reason we tried one more time was because she offered to donate us the medication we would need... or as I like to say, she bribed us to give it one last try.

And it worked.

At this time last year, we were growing a ton of follicles for our IUI. By April 2nd, we had around 6 mature and several measurable (but not quite mature). Any other person, and they probably would have canceled. But not me, with my womb of doom. Thank goodness they let us go ahead, because we caught one. One beautiful perfect egg, which turned into our darling son.

This time last year was so difficult. I mean, it's easy enough to try not to think about it, but it's impossible to forget it. How could I forget getting a positive test the week of our four year anniversary of trying? How could I forget that I was already spotting, bleeding, and terrified. My response of "Oh, shit," and feeling so defeated as if we'd already lost. My progesterone was so low, and I was stuck in beta hell for so long. My cramps were painful, the bleeding too heavy, that it felt just like the others. The ones I'd lost. All the symptoms of a miscarriage, but not a miscarriage.

That heartbeat just a couple weeks later was so beautiful. It was the most wonderful thing I'd ever seen, and that little being that I saw start, still amazes me each day.

I remember the horror a few weeks later, after just seeing arm buds and the heart still beating, what happened next. That exact moment is forever burned into my mind. I remember eating enchiladas, watching Doctor Who, and feeling pressure. I remember standing up, and finding myself covered in blood. I remember shaking. Screaming. Crying. Rushing to the hospital... and finding out that he was still alive. They weren't very positive that things would stay that way, but that night, despite the horrifying amount of blood loss and clots passed, he was still with us.

I don't take my son for granted for one moment. I try not to think about the horror of what I went through. It's easy enough to ignore most of the time, now that it's over. But I can never forget what I went through, the extreme terror that I would lose him just like I lost the other ones. There were beautiful moments and there was a living nightmare battling it out. I never expected things to be so bad, or to end so wonderfully. This time last year, I just expected to get another negative and to spend the next year trying to figure out how I could move on with my life.

My son's story is an epic to me. It was filled with great highs, and terrible lows. When I look at him, I think about how we beat it. How together, we won the battle against my body. And at this time last year, I never even imagined any of this could be possible. I never imagined I could be sitting with him today, listening to him coo. I never imagined I could actually be changing diapers, cuddling him while he sleeps on my chest, or giving him baths. I just knew that one way or another, we would be moving on.

It's painful to remember what I went through last year, but like I said, it wasn't all bad. There really were some wonderful moments. Like every time I heard his heart beating, or when I felt him move, his first breath as he wailed outside my womb. My little survivor.

It's so strange to think this all started just a year ago. It feels like a lifetime.

11 comments:

blueeyedtawni said...

he is so precious! Love that smile!

stinkyweaselteats said...

a hell of a year!
I love your story, it gives me so much hope that things can and do work out. I hope that doesn't sound odd in some way I can't quite specify, because I know it was touch and go at a fair few points!

Groves said...

My heart kept shooting over cliffs, just reading through this.

Oh, little boy, your Mama has been to the Pit and back - and now, your sweet face, smiling, shining.

To say I'm glad doesn't begin to cover it.

All I know - it doesn't undo all that happened, and everyone you lost, along the way. So much, so much.

Little survivor, you and your Mama are pretty amazing. Really amazing.

Yes, a lifetime is right,

Cathy in Missouri

St Elsewhere said...

Oh you...you posted THAT pic...

I remember it all. I may have not commented consistently, but I was following through...I remember about that SCH...all of that!

So glad Nombie is here!

Dora said...

You and V are both survivors. O!M!G! That smile!! So happy for you.

Rebecca said...

So glad that V held on. I remember it too and its hard to believe its been a year already. I'm hoping that if someday you try again it won't be so difficult but we both know that it will never be easy for us.

Lissie said...

Definitely a year to remember, but also a year not to dwell on. Remember the happy, remember the sad, but really focus on the happy. And that is so much easier to do with the cute little guy to remind you of the happy!

Celia said...

It is wonderful, isn't it? Last week BOTH children were wailing in the car and instead of complaining, my husband and I were laughing because we were so happy. We probably looked insane to the other drivers.

The Steadfast Warrior said...

Beautiful post! I missed so much of the latest part of your journey that I find myself going back to catch up. reading, I'm cheering you on, feeling the ups and downs with you.

I'm so very happy you got your little man out of it all.

Shannon Ivy said...

Beautiful! I'm happy that everything worked out for V to be here!

Jessica said...

I completely felt like I was reading my own story except that I couldn't brave infertility treatment. I had completely given up getting pregnant after 5 years of trying, I have both Endometriosis and PCOS, they'd been telling me for years that I would never get pregnant. Suddenly, I was pregnant and had missed all of the early signs. A week after I found out, the bleeding began, only the hospital told me I had had a miscarriage and sent me home. I waited an agonizing weekend that included a second ER trip (where they again told me I miscarried, go home, don't worry about the copious bleeding!) when I went to the High risk ob with whom I had already scheduled. I will never forget my astonishment when the tech asked if I wanted to hear his heartbeat. Despite it all, there he was. He's three now and it still brings tears to my eyes to remember it.

Your little guy is beautiful, enjoy him. And don't worry about the nursing, I had the same issues and my family doctor told me what an elderly patient had told her, "He'll love you no matter what you feed him."