Life in Transition

A lot of things have happened since I last posted. A got a new job, we moved to another state, and the kids have grown so much. We had to switch everything, it was such a long process.

I am exhausted all the time, it's just a state of being. I've been struggling with my depression, as a result my medication has been increased twice now. It's better than it was though, I am managing alright most days. Miraculously, now that I don't need it, my body has begun cycling on it's own. At least I don't needs medicine to induce I suppose. It would have been nice if I could have gotten it to do this 8 years ago though.

The twins are walking and talking, interacting, collaborating, and keeping me on my toes. We are still nursing, usually twice a day. They also eat solid foods like beasts. V is turning 4 this month, and I still can't process that. We're still having a lot of issues with him; we have good days and bad days. I'm hoping that we can get him into a preschool at some point here, I think it will do him good.

All that to say, we're alive and we're okay. Life is in transition, and it's a process.

Here's to hoping everyone has a peaceful holiday. Best wishes.

A Year Old, Times Two

We already had their party, but their birthday is today. It amazes me how much children grow and change in a year. My little babies are, well, not babies anymore. They walk, they can say words, they can climb almost anything, they are vocal and will tell you what's what.

They amaze me constantly.

We are still nursing, which means I've met my goal. We'll likely keep nursing for awhile yet. I never thought it would work out this long- I had hoped, but certainly not counted, on it working out. It's been a huge relief for us all. They eat a lot of solids now in addition to nursing, and get more confident even with just their two teeth a piece.

They play a lot more with V now too. Which is great but also harrowing. He doesn't understand boundaries, and neither do they. What is too rough for them, versus him, is at a different level. It results in a lot of, "GET OFF YOUR SISTER," "DON'T TACKLE," "DON'T PUSH HER DOWN," "IT'S NOT FUNNY, SHE'S CRYING." It's trying. He means well (most of the time), so it's just something we have to work through. Much like them all tackling the cats.

And so we close and say goodbye to our baby years. While we haven't 100% ruled out the possibility of a 4th someday, I can tell you that I feel complete with how things are. Unlike with V, where I felt the incompleteness, I now feel resolved. When I pack their things away to sell, I feel sadness but very little (if any) doubt. I'm mostly relieved, to tell you the truth.

I don't know how much more I will post here. It's harder and harder to get on here, and I feel I have less and less to say. More often than not, I'm so drained I can't write more than a quick status update. I still give support and advice where I can, but I don't know how much more I can say here other than... though the path wasn't the one that I would have chosen, I've had many wonderful companions along the way, and for that I am truly grateful. Thank you.

Foward momentum

The girls will be one next week. This Christmastime Vincent will be 4, he'll have been out of my womb for as long as it took us to conceive him. Time has a way of passing by before you know it. Those dark nights, filled with tears and hollowness, gave way to exhaustion and fulfillment. I am one of the lucky ones, and I will never lose sight of that.

For years our life was stagnant, we remained stuck due to our infertility and my recurrent losses. Our choices were forced. We had to take less risks. We had to stay near my doctors, hospitals, that understood my issues. We had to cut corners, cut costs, to save and save for treatments. Stay in positions that we would rather not.

A's job chose to terminate his department, doing away with his software, and we were once again forced to make a decision. It was time, something we were pursuing anyway, but this pushed the decision for us. And he found another position, a better position. I am so thankful. We spent months panicking, but we were lucky and this new position came through. We will likely be relocating to another state for this job. Another big change. And I find that it's time. I'm ready to move on. The things that held us here, no longer do. There is so much happiness, and so much sorrow, tied into where we are. We never planned to stay here this long. I don't know where life will take us after this, but I'm ready.

The girls' party is next weekend, I'm looking forward to celebrating their first year. And my surviving it, because it has not been easy. I still struggle, but little by little I think things are getting better. My fog of depression is lifting, and I can breathe a little easier. One day at a time.

Closing in on 11 months

We are cruising along (haha). The girls are growing fast. J is getting really good at walking, while G can take a few steps here and there. They can say a few words, although J is really taking off there too. They eat a lot of solids now, and still nurse a lot during the day too. They both dance and climb everything. They are trouble. They also throw little tantrums when they don't get their way now, so that's fun!

I am doing a little better? The shot for my dequervain worked wonderfully. My anti-depressants seem to be helping some. A will be losing his job in the coming months though, the company decided to terminate his department after all. He has several interviews this week and we are hoping something works out soon. His job has been our sole source of income, so this has been really stressful for us all. I believe that things are going to work out though. I really do.

One day at a time.

10 months out

We've survived 10 months now. It's hard to believe that they'll be a year in just two months.

G got the first tooth amongst them, we are standing strong as one between them. They are both crawling and cruising all over the place. J is a mountain climber and scales anything and everything. They are still nursing a lot, and eating a lot more solids. They continue to be two completely different children, J dancing and G drumming. J follows V, and G follows J. The girls wrestle a lot now, and it's scary yet adorable.

Things for me have been... rough. I have bad mommy thumb (De Quervain Syndrome). It's gotten increasingly painful, despite using a splint and Ibuprofen around the clock. I am scheduled to get steroid injections in my wrist, but the soonest I could get in was weeks from now. For now... dealing with it as best I can.

I also had to go back on anti-depressants. Things haven't gotten better and while normally I can weather my "funks" alright... I've been struggling a lot. It will take time for the medicine to kick in, but hopefully after it does I'll see some improvement.

April Fools late

About two weeks ago I noticed some signs that made me pause, and wonder, if I might have been ovulating. A few days ago I had some pains, originating from my right ovary, that made me wonder if I had... or if I just had another cyst, a la PCOS. The morning we were leaving for vacation, I woke up seeing red.

What. the. hell?

In the past 12+ years my body has done a lot of nothing. I can count, on one hand, the times I have knowingly ovulated on my own. But hey, now that I'm not trying, still nursing twins, a complete hormonal mess, back to my old (heavier) weight, and the very idea of another baby scares the beejesus out of me... yeah, sure, LET'S OVULATE. And time the cycle to start exactly the day you're leaving for vacation.

Thanks Body, you're so funny

I am left completely confused.

9 months

The girls will be 9 months tomorrow, and we're still surviving. We have good days, we have bad days. All the kids, except G, hate sleeping now. V frequently wakes a few hours early and tries to get in bed with us. J has been waking up at 3-5a to nurse again, after refusing to go to sleep for the past couple weeks. V has been playing with them more. They're all mobile, and frequently get into shenanigans together. J is pulling up to stand on things. I'm still nursing, and the girls are eating more solids.

A's job is still rocky, and his job search has not been going well. Everything kept going back to him not finishing his degree. So... he has enrolled back in college. God help us. He's going to be working full time, going to school, and I am going to be even more on my own. If I had the money for a helper, I would hire one, but we don't. I really want V to be ready for pre-school this year, but it doesn't look like he'll be ready. So, we'll have to see how things go. A hasn't scheduled classes yet or anything, so we'll know more after he gets through that process... right now he's just been accepted. I won't lie, I'm scared of what this will mean for our home life. As scared as I am, I know we have no option- he needs a different job, and the only way he is going to do that is to finish his degree.

Ending on a more positive note... these exhausting yet adorable kids:

8 months out

The little misses are eight months. Life is still very full, with moments of intense crazy.

J is a mover. She wants to be mobile; she even started crawling full on the other day! She still prefers squealing, screaming, and whining, to attempts at vocalization. Lots of squealing.

G is a talker. She makes all sorts of noises, babbles, and mimics us. Her latest thing is to blow kisses, she is also trying to clap. She does a sort of lunge, plummet, crawl thing, the same Vincent did before he crawled.

They both are eating some solids (purees and puffs) now, but mostly nursing. Neither have teeth yet. Vincent got his first at 8 months, and according to my baby book I didn't get one until 9 months. The girls can take after me, I am FINE with that. J likes to bite.

Speaking of teething, V is cutting one of his last "two year" molars. Poor kid.

He is.... sigh. We have things to work on. He is awesome, but we have a lot of issues with disobedience and jealousy still. We are addressing it, but it's going to take time. He knows he's been able to get away with certain things because of the babies and my limitations, but we're working harder at consistency now.

I am still struggling a lot, in general. Even eight months out I am still in survival mode, and I'm starting to wonder if it will ever get "easier." Or manageable. I wish I had more help and support.

Medical Shenagians

My ridiculous skin rashes are still a mystery. My doctor said that my skin looks really irritated (it's actually not bad right now), she thinks it's contact dermatitis (ezcema), but that she really can't say why I have it. She did say it usually gets better and goes away. Except mine had progressively gotten worse since 2009, with just past Christmas this year being the worst when it went all the way up my arms. She reviewed my allergy panel, asked about detergents and cleaning things, said it may just be hormonal, and ran a little blood work. I had to get my TSH rechecked so I can get a refill on my thyroid medicine, but she also ran a B12 and- here's a laugh- FSH, LH, and estradiol. Oh, my old friends, we need to stop running into each other. She said she doesn't think it's autoimmune, but I keep wondering given my losses and other issues.

She urged me to hydrate more, and to keep doing everything I'm doing. I use Hydrocortisone cream when it's bad, lather up with coconut oil, take Benadryl as needed... sometimes that helps. If I'm lucky. I use lotion every day. Petroleum jelly, Aquafor, or A&D ointment before bed as needed. I changed my dish and hand soaps, I use hypoallergic stuff mostly, I stopped using commercial cleaners, use gloves for dish washing, I haven't changed my detergent but I have a known allergy to Tide and never had a reaction to this one that I've known... still, I may change that soon to see if it helps.

It gets worse when cleaning, even just dusting, but my allergy panel came back negative for dust or pets. I joke and say, "I'm allergic to cleaning!" but seriously... I have no idea what this is. Maybe it's this old house.

***

My other recent issue was my brilliant idea to get an IUD. It seemed like a good choice, it had progesterone so I wouldn't have to worry about inducing a bleed every few months (because of the endometrial cancer risk, due to PCOS and anovulation), plus I wouldn't have to worry about an unplanned pregnancy which given my health (with recurrent loss issues), finances, and general sanity would be bad. It would have lasted 5 years and by then we could take permanent measures, or went for #4 (A has mentioned it, not joking. Crazy pants).

Well, that's when the trouble began. I got it put in and bled until the day I got it out... almost 4 months. It wasn't just that, I could still feel it. I was constantly aware of it's presence. They checked on ultrasound and it was fine, it was positioned correctly, but it was slowly driving me bat shit crazy. It hurt, I was cramping off/on, and bleeding. My OB urged me to give it 6 months for my body to adjust, but I was losing my mind. I was getting agitated, snapping more, yelling more, I wanted to scream. I wanted to rip the thing out. I had no patience with the children. My depression got INFINITELY worse. It was bad. I finally made the call to have it removed.

One of the strings had gotten up in my uterus and wrapped around the IUD, but it came out easily. I felt so much better right away. I wasn't nearly as agitated, the change in my mood was amazing. While still depressed, it has lightened and I feel more productive. I'm feeling a lot better, not quite as overwhelmed (although still very busy with the children and exhausted). I don't know what it was about the IUD that affected me like that: physically something about it, or me, or just a giant head game, but I'm glad that's over. I will never do that again.

***

So that's what's been on my medical plate. My hair has changed, my body is changing, and I need to adjust to this new normal. I'm still nursing the twins. And mostly just trying to deal with these damned rashes.

7 Months

J

G

Sometimes I forget how much I love photography. Eventually I would like to devote more time to studying my camera and practicing.

The girls turned 7 months on my birthday. I turned 30. I'm still cool with that.

A's grandma passed away a couple days later, unexpectedly. We had just saw her a few weeks ago. She had missed V's birthday party and told us she had a card and had misplaced it. They found it the day after she passed... which was bittersweet, but I am glad we have that card to set back for V.

I'm still working on some of my issues; I see my doctor next week. I'll post more about that later.

Update-

They had the meeting and A's job is safe "for now." They decided to keep his department, but for how long... we are really sick of the job uncertainty of late, I can tell you that. A will continue looking for another job, but for now things should be okay. I am still going to tread water like they're not. I just don't trust the company he works for.

I still need to get into the doctor and get myself taken care of at some point here.

The kids are a hand full. ADORABLE ENERGETIC HANDS FULL. I love them. I'm tired. The girls are both scooting backwards, going in circles, and starting to prop up onto hands/knees. They steal thing from each other a lot more. J is devouring solids, G still thinks that anything other than the b.oob is blasphemy. V likes to tell me, "NO," and "Go away!" He is 3 going on 13. His vocabulary is exploding, we have some interesting conversations (mostly about dinosaurs and alligators).

My birthday is Friday. Still not really feeling it. We are planning on going out to lunch, then later dinner at a specific kids' play place restaurant. I went there as a kid, and for many years now I have joked about going there for my 30th birthday... I have been told that I have to go now. I'm sure V will love it, hopefully I will too.

Some day soon I will have a real post. I hope. I started a lot of posts and abandoned them in the past couple months. I would love to start blogging about other things, it's just hard right now.

Breathe in, breathe out.

We're still here, though I'm still very much in survival mode. My depression returned, and we've just hit a rough patch, and well, life can just be messy sometimes. The kids are all (currently) well. J does seem to be of a sensitive disposition, as she had a fever for almost 6 days over something (apparently) viral with no other symptoms. It started on V's birthday, and lasted through New Years, with a trip to her doctor. She also frequently boycotts sleep and has days/nights reversed, so that's rough. G is the easiest baby I've had, she falls asleep on schedule every night and sleeps until dawn. I keep joking that if all my babies were like G, I would have wanted 10. V is doing well, still high spirited, and recently turned 3 (!).

V's birthday was complicated by a sick baby, but his party went fine. The night before J kept us up all night, I had maybe 4 hours of sleep. A family member caused a lot of drama the morning of the party, which ended with us terminating the relationship after all was said and done. The party itself was great, V had so much fun seeing everyone. Later that night I was so tired I washed a pacifier and tried to give it to V, when I meant to give it to J. Then later I poured maple syrup in his milk, when I meant to pour chocolate.

I am beyond exhausted.

A found out a bit of bad news on Christmas Eve: he may lose his job in the coming months. They are talking about terminating his entire department and going a different route. He's been there for 8.5 years, and his job is our sole source of income. I have considered looking for a job, but it would be counter productive at this time- if I had a job we would need daycare for 3 children, and my milk supply would take a hit (I'm sure), which would mean buying formula for two babies. For now, A is looking and applying for jobs, while considering returning to school. He has already had a few interviews, but it's not going well because he never finished his degree. We are saving money and doing what we can. If worse comes to worse, we will evaluate our options with me working, even if that means other shifts.

We are trying to be proactive without borrowing worry right now. He may not lose it, he may keep his job until April, he might be fired tomorrow, we have no idea. I just wanted to make it through Christmas and V's birthday, and make them a good one- we'd already bought everything, so it was all taken care of at least. At least that hurdle is over.

My birthday is at the end of the month; I'll be turning 30. It feels like I should probably do something important for that, or care more, but all I can muster is a half-hearted, "Meh." Maybe I'll reflect more on that later.

My depression hit hard a few weeks before Christmas. I am considering going back on medication. I also have some other issues going on that are probably contributing to it, and I wonder if I can clear them up, how much that would help.

I have a persistent rash on my hands, I've been dealing with it since 2009 (has gotten worse every year since) but my PCP initially said it was dry skin so I never went back. It is not dry skin, or at least it's not just dry skin. It gets worse, and only seems to get better with Benadryl and Hydrocortizone cream. No amount of lotion, Coconut Oil, or Aquafor was helping. It goes from the back of my hands to the underside of my arm, to my elbows. It burns. It comes and goes. I'm thinking it's eczema, immune issues, or sensitivity to chemicals, and/or food allergies. The rash is always worse before bed. The dry skin makes it break open all over my hands/knuckles, so it feels like hundreds of little paper cuts sometimes. I have a problem of not going back and speaking up when I get blown off by a doctor. I know I have to advocate for myself, but it's hard sometimes.

The other issue is really that of my own doing. I decided to get an Mi.rena put in. I know the odds of me conceiving are low, but I wasn't willing to take chances (knowing my plate is already too full) so I got one. It would also have negated needing to take progesterone every few months for the withdraw bleed, due to my typical anovulation. Unfortunately, I have been spotting and bleeding since mid-October now, cramping off/on. It is really getting to me. I want it take out, but I also don't want to make the drive, pay the money, or go through the pain of having it removed. My OB wants me to give it six months for my body to adjust, but I honestly don't want to deal with this for three more months.

There are other stresses, but I've already bored you with enough. I am just in a funk and things have been harder for me than I'd like to admit. I'm hoping that as this year goes on, we can get things back on track. There are a lot of things I'd like to get started for the new year... a daily schedule for my own benefit, and V's, or making more things at home to save money, maybe writing again or finding more 'me' time. I don't know. I just know that I need to turn things around.