Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Negativity-

It's 12dpo today. I tested last night and it was negative. I busted out my trusted brand of test today (my last one) and... negative. I'll test again on Thursday but given the sensitivity of the test I used, I'm calling it.

So, the first round of Clomid was a bust. It shouldn't come as a shock. I kept telling my husband it wouldn't work, but he is always so optimistic. I'm sure it hit him harder than me. I'll be honest here: I feel like if anything is going to work, it will be next year, when we move on to injections again. I still want to try oral medications first, I want to do something productive in what little time we have this year, with what little finances we have available, but at the same time I feel very negative about it. It's not that I'm completely hopeless- I still hope, even when it's unreasonable- but I'm trying to be realistic here.

I feel like I'm slowly re-entering that head space from 2010. When I did all those cycles, I managed to ovulate 7-8 times that year, and yet... nothing. I didn't get pregnant once, even with IUIs and perfect timing. I had 2 follicles almost every cycle, and still nothing. I never ovulated that much in a year before. I got pregnant a lot easier in the past, 1 out of every 2 cycles almost. So why not then? And why not now?

It's only been two months, and I'm not harping on that. Pfft. Two months is a drop of water in the ocean; I've went over a year between pregnancies. But see, it's the Clomid/Femara cycles in 2010 that keep replaying in my mind. It's the unanswered why? It's the what changed? Are we missing something?

I wonder about the ovarian diathermy, and if that was really the best decision. I helped me respond great, don't get me wrong. It did exactly what it was supposed to. And I'm still glad we did it, because I think it's part of the reason I responded so well to the inject cycle with V. But did it do something else too? There is an increased risk of diminished ovarian reserve... and while my AMH came back good, is that the whole picture here?

The cycle we conceived V. after all those oral med cycles, was with a whopping 7 follicles. Too risky for most women, but with my history we decided it was worth the risk- and it paid off. But, YE GADS, 7 FOLLICLES?! 7 follicles and I was lucky enough to get 1 baby? One perfect embryo? I always go back and forth about this; on one hand, I'm lucky I didn't end up with high order multiples, but then again maybe I'm just lucky I got one. Is it both? I don't know.

In the end, I always go back to wondering about my egg quality. I've been reassured that with my age, I should have good eggs. My FSH has always been great (maybe I should get it retested now that I'm 28), my AMH was good this year... and yet, I wonder. Women with PCOS don't usually have the best eggs, and while fertility treatments are supposed to help offset that it's no guarantee.

Maybe nothing changed. Maybe it's all just been dumb luck, and I'm worrying over nothing. I don't know.

Either way, I'm done rambling out loud now. I have a house guest coming soon, so I'm going to enjoy my BFN-consolation-moch-frappucinno in the quiet of my home while I quiet my mind.

We'll see what happens Thursday, but I fully anticipate the start of a new cycle this weekend. Maybe next month things will go better.

9 comments:

An Aspiring Mom-To-Be said...

Sorry about this cycle. I know these types of cycles are downright frustrating. Hope your frappaccino was delicious though :)

MrsSpock said...

This month was a bust for us too. I'm wondering how I will respond to meds this month, as I (gulp) just hit 35.

Melis.sa said...

I'm sorry about the cycle. I think it's hard not to wonder about all the 'what ifs' while ttc.

When I went back to the RE for this pregnancy-I was 29 and he said he wouldn't bother redoing any of my blood work since the last time I was there I was 27. Since my first cycle worked on Fem.ara it doesn't bother me. Had it not I know I would wonder if and what had changed.

Rebecca said...

Sorry that this cycle is a bust. Hopefully that the next one will bring many more follicles and that one will form a beautiful baby.

Celia said...

I'm sorry boo. We came up negative this month too, but now my period is refusing to come. Which I guess is fine since I still have so much dental work ahead. Having Peter was so hard and James was such a miracle. Who's to know the magic reason any of us get pregnant. UGH. UGH. I am half tempted to lick doorknobs til I get a raging stomach bug like last time.

jessiwallace said...

I'm sorry. :o( We had a BFN again, too. We're in round 8 now. We're using Pregnitude... have you heard of it? It's a supplement... might be worth looking into. It give me a 28-day cycle with ovulation on CD 15 during my first month of using it, which is crazy for me. I'm giving it another month to see what happens before we try Femara.

AnotherDreamer said...

Thank you for the support and understanding everyone. It's really weird to have all this backlash from TTC#1, to have the current worry overlaid heavily with all the ghosts of cycles past.

I'm sorry so many of you had BFNs too (*hugs*) Hopefully it'll be all our turns soon enough.

AnotherDreamer said...

Melissa, it's been 4 years since we tested my FSH. We did retest some things this go around, but it has been awhile since we tested a lot of the basics. Paying OOP doesn't help in that regard, the blood work at the beginning of this year was $200 alone. Ugh.

Ducky said...

Ugh...it's just the constant wondering that beats you down - is it your FSH, is it this, is it that?
(((hugs)))