Wednesday, March 13, 2013

A life once lost-

Yesterday weighed on my mind in fleeting moments. Four years ago yesterday, I finally lost the second pregnancy. I can still remember it vividly, my body still aches, and my heart still mourns. It feels wrong not to mention it, and yet I don't want to dwell.

I think the largest part of it was that I didn't want to make others uncomfortable.

Whenever I mention my losses, it happens. People tell me to move on, remind me how lucky I am, or they ignore my mention, or worse- they get silent as if to say, "You're not over that yet?"

No. I'm not over that yet.
I don't think I could ever "get over it," if you want to know the truth.

Four years have passed, and that baby is still gone. How do you get over that?

In some ways that one was the hardest. I was the furthest along. Physically it was very traumatic, as I crouched on the floor wracked with contractions. Emotionally, staring down the gestational sac in person, not on the ultrasound machine, and wondering what I should do with it... was hard. Is still hard. I shouldn't have to know what a gestational sac looks like in full material form outside my body. My first experience with contractions should have been with the birth of my child, not a loss.

Many things were taken away from me that day.

I have my son now. That's true. And he makes my life amazing, and everything we went through worth enduring. But he doesn't replace the others. I've said it before, but while he helps mend my broken heart, it's not his job to take what's broken and make it whole again. No matter how we put the pieces back together, it will never be the same. There will always be fine lines, cracks, memories of what happened.

And you know what? That's okay.


Kristin said...

I remember all my losses and it still pains me when I have a close friend (or, hell, even an acquaintance) go through an oops pregnancy. You never get over. It is always part of you. {{{Hugs}}}

Ducky said...

Beautiful post. Our born babies are never a replacement, there will always be a part of us left with our angel babies. I don't know if it would be right otherwise.

Mrs Bishop said...

::HUGS:: And, no, we don't ever "get over it". My thoughts are with you today! <3

An Aspiring Mom-To-Be said...

I hate that these anniversaries never go away. Thinking of you.

Rebecca said...

I still think of each of my lost pregnancies, including the twins from 1996. It is okay to remember them.

Shelby said...

No, living children do not negate the pain and sometimes I feel like most people think it should. My first will be five years in June and it was also my hardest. Perhaps this was because I was also the farthest along, but I think the first is where we're officially stripped of our innocence. It was the day you lost the cushion of naivete. Nothing will match that.

No one should know what that looks and feels like. I always think of you as the mother of four, rather than just one. Keeping you in my thoughts...

AnotherDreamer said...

Shelby, my first was 5 years ago this May. I still can't believe that it's been 5 years... it seems like it happened such a short time ago, but it also feels like forever. And yes, the first one definitely took so much for it. Thank you for your kind words. I know you're dealing with a lot right now too, with your loss anniversary coming up and everything you have going on (*hugs*)

And thank all of you for your kind words. It means a lot.

Chickenpig said...

The pain never goes away. Sometimes I am glad for that, because the sadness that remains and the memory is all that is left, and I don't ever want to forget.